- Derek: I'm a Derek and Dereks don't run!
- Frank: Just remember, we're only authorized to use violence when protecting the planet.
- Barry: And the moon.
- Frank: Yeah, and the moon.
- Derek: Suck my spinning steel, shithead!
- Derek: What are you dirty hooers doing on my planet?
- [last lines]
- Derek: I'm coming to get you bastards.
- [laughs in a mad way]
- [after drop-kicking an alien's head out of a window]
- Ozzy: The old magic is still there.
- Barry: Why can't aliens be friendly?
- Derek: There's no glowing fingers on these bastards, we've got a bunch of Extra-Terrestrial psychopaths on our hands, like a visit from a planet full of Charlie Mansons, they've started on something small, its my guess they'll go onto something bigger next time, Christchurch, Wellington...
- Barry: Auckland?
- Derek: Yeah, well, that wouldn't be so bad.
- Lord Crumb: [drinking bowl of alien vomit] Aren't I lucky, I got a chunky bit!
- Alien Leader's Voice: I expect you're wondering what you're doing soaking in Reg's eleven secret herbs and spices. Tomorrow we're having *you* for lunch!
- [after chainsawing through an alien's head, falling inside and exiting between its legs]
- Derek: I'm born again!
- Frank: Well, I guess we'll have to issue a gun to Ozzy
- Barry: Yeah, but don't forget about his personality disorder
- Barry: I knew it was a mistake to issue weapons. We're a government department not a paramilitary unit!
- Derek: Yeah, the Astro Investigation and Defence Service!
- Ozzy: Wish we'd change that name!
- Derek: Stay where you are then, and I'll give you an eye witness description of this, intergalactic wanker!
- Lord Crumb: The sad news is that we will be heading for Nalic Nod with six of our co-workers in a state of permanent death. They died today, murdered by some real assholes.
- Barry: What are we gonna do if we're spotted, Frank?
- Frank: Well... I guess we shoot the bastards.
- Derek: Stick all the bits of brain in a plastic bag, Barry. We'll need them for analysis.
- Barry: No bloody way mate. You can come down here and do that yourself!
- Ozzy: The bastards have landed!
- Derek: Well this sure has buggered your plans for conquering the world, eh? Hehe... my friend, the astro-bastard, time for talkies. By the time my colleagues get here I want to have you babbling in some extra-terrestrial language!
- Frank: This isn't gonna be another false alarm like the Manor Street invasion over there, is it?
- Derek: Well, how do you explain the disappearance of an entire township, Frank? Oh! The Kiwi Jonestown, of course, that's it! Drinking beer laced with cyanide from little polystyrene cups.
- Ozzy: Gee, they come to bits easy!
- Derek: [about an alien, also played by Peter Jackson] There's something wrong with this guy, like he's got a couple screws loose or something.
- Derek: The headshot's the only true stopper.
- Barry: I think Derek's turned his toes up, guys.
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