- Humping: I'm Humping, the butler.
- Barney: Oh, yeah? So who's fucking the maid?
- Barney: I wanted to thank you for only giving me the clap. These days it's refreshing to meet a girl with curable diseases.
- Roy Raja: My name is Roy Rahmataj.
- Barney: Hey, mind if we call you Roy Raja? Haha!
- Roy Raja: You may call me "Lion of Kashmir".
- Barney: And you may call me "The Boner of East L.A."
- Barney: Who's this? Your son?
- Adm. Storey: No, he's... uhhh
- Mrs. Storey: He is my nephew.
- Barney: Ohhh, your nephew. He looks Iranian to me. You know my sister, Maria, she married an Iranian guy. And they are hairy son of a bitches. You know they got hair on their chest, their backs, their butts. We're talking Winnie the Pooh. We're talking Chewbacca, you know the guy in Star Wars who goes AHHHH! AHHHH!
- Henrietta Phelps: Why don't we go around the room and introduce ourselve, and tell everyone why you came to the Phelps School?
- Eddie Lipschultz: Hi! My name is Eddie, Eddie Lipschultz. I'm here because my mom's new boyfriend says I can't sleep in her bedroom anymore. I figured if I came to charm school, I might be able to... , there might be chance that I'd... , I could possibly...
- Barney: [interrupting] Get laid?
- Barney: [Eddie nods] I thought so.
- Barney: [at a party Barney walks up to an older woman, holding a small white poodle. He makes sounds like a dog in pain] Awww, is that mean old lady squeezing your genitals?
- Woman with Dogs: Oh! You dreadful man!
- Barney: [at another party, Barney sees the same old lady, now holding a Shar-Pei in her arm] Hey, it's my favorite dog lady again! How you doing? You have a new dog?
- Woman with Dogs: Yes, this is a Shar-Pei; it's a Chinese dog.
- Barney: [Barney pulls on the dog's wrinkled skin] Damn, you need to iron this dog, lady. Look at this!
- Woman with Dogs: No, stop, that's just how the dog is!
- Barney: Shit, you could fit two dogs in here!
- [he continues to pull on the dog's loose skin]
- Woman with Dogs: [Slapping Barney's hand away] No! Please, stop abusing my dog, you horrible man!
- Barney: You have any Vietnamese neighbors?
- Woman with Dogs: No, I don't think so.
- Barney: Well, if any ever move in, and you go on vacation, believe me, you're going to want to take Fluffy with you! You'll come back and your dog will be missing it's hind leg, saying 'where were you?'
- Woman with Dogs: Oh! That's horrible! You terrible, horrible man!
- Barney: You go next door and talk to your neighbor, and he'll be standing there, picking his teeth, 'No! We no see Fluffy! What your dog look like? Your dog have big, juicy hind leg?'
- Woman with Dogs: Oh, you awful man! Please, go away!
- Barney: Fine! I guess this means we can't be pals no more?
- Roy Raja: [exit from the bathroom] There are two toilets in there.
- Barney: [enters the bathroom] How has crapped in the bidé?
- Roy Raja: [to Lipshultz] Shitlips my friend! We have a saying in my country: "He who does not ram the goose, strokes the goat", if you know what I mean.
- Barney: [the class at the Phelps School is introducing themselves] Hi, my name is Barney Benar. I'm here with my friend Jake because there's this girl he's trying to nail...
- Jake Bateman: [shakes his head and clears his throat] Mmm-mm!
- Barney: What? Oh. Sure he loves her, sure he wants to fuck her...
- Barney: [Jake makes the same sound, louder] Oh, whatever. I'm just with him, man.
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