- Howie: [introducing himself] Howie Gluckstein; break and enter, gross indecency, attempted murder, sexual assault with intent to rape... Do you think they'll keep me in jail for this?
- Master Sgt. Stonewall: Name?
- Mike Murphy: Murphy, Mike. It's all here, sir
- [hands over his resume]
- Mike Murphy: Masters degree in criminology, black belt in karate, Olympic medal: sharp shooting.
- Master Sgt. Stonewall: Sharp shooting?
- Mike Murphy: Yes, sir.
- Master Sgt. Stonewall: Well, Hell, fella, you're just the kinda man we need.
- Captain Magruder: [interrupting] Just a minute. What medal was it?
- Mike Murphy: Silver, sir.
- Captain Magruder: [scoffs] Silver? My grandmother has a silver.
- Mike Murphy: But I was only one point away from gold, I swear!
- Captain Magruder: That's one point too many. Come on, agitate the pavement, get outta here.
- Master Sgt. Stonewall: Captain, one point...
- Captain Magruder: Shut up. Next.
- Master Sgt. Stonewall: I wanna be a cop.
- Tanya: You? You wanna be a cop? Great. So tell me about your qualifications.
- Master Sgt. Stonewall: I love leather.
- Captain Magruder: Gorman, I don't like smartass remarks. If you ever get smart with me again, I will kick your little shellfish ass so hard you'll be farting from your mouth!
- Winston Richcliff III: Come on, we're going in there.
- Mike Budowsky: Listen, Mr. 'Dark Gable', It's a Country & Western bar, man. If you go in there, we're gonna have to surgically remove a cowboy boot from your asshole!
- Steve Gorman: You can't do this, captain. I don't care what happens to myself, but the rest of these guys worked their guts out for you.
- Master Sgt. Stonewall: Guts this, Gorman! You heard the captain, get your stuff together and get out!
- Captain Magruder: By tomorrow morning.