- Charlie Gargas: At the end, I had my father in a nursing home. I gave him the best doctors in Illinois. He was a little senile... not much. I never spent much time with him. I was too busy. Finally, when I got around to seeing him, he didn't recognize me. Till the day he died, he didn't know who the hell I was.
- David Basner: Here I thought you were the perfect son, Charlie.
- Charlie Gargas: No. They told me there was only one of those guys. Listen, you take care of what you've got to take care of. I'll take care of Woolridge.
- David Basner: Look, I've done the job, all right? Take my stuff, do whatever you want to do with it. But for the fifth time now, I'm not going anywhere with anybody. And don't you *ever* fucking touch me again!
- Andrew Woolridge: My daughter speaks very highly of you. Says you're a great lay.
- David Basner: [David's gun accidentally goes off] She told you that?
- Andrew Woolridge: My baby girl tells me everything.
- David Basner: That's some conversation for a father to be having with his daughter.
- Andrew Woolridge: I raised her to be a corporate executive. I raised her to be a man.
- David Basner: So did my father, but I never tell him anything.
- Max Basner: Your best friend is your dick.
- David Basner: And where did I learn that? Your best friend is *your* dick.
- Max Basner: That's great. The four of us will go out for lunch someday.
- Donna Mildred Martin: The only advice my mom ever gave me was, "Don't live in the same city as your parents."
- David Basner: What crappy advice. I can't get my parents to move.
- David Basner: [in a grocery store, bringing a selection of magazines] I got you X-Rated action on every page: "Eros", "The New Macho", "Hot and Sexy Mature Women".
- Max Basner: You know, that's something we always had in common
- David Basner: Who?
- Max Basner: My father, you, me. We could always talk a girl into bed.
- David Basner: I'm glad you still can, Dad. You need asparagus?
- Max Basner: I can't. I can't do it anymore.
- Max Basner: I lost my lines. They fired me.
- David Basner: [David gets out of his Jeep and walks around angrily for a few moments, then gets back in the car] What are you gonna do?
- Max Basner: I know you hate me. But you have to help me.
- David Basner: You're going to be fine.
- Max Basner: I'll be fine as long as you don't do the operation.
- David Basner: Ah, come on, I could've been a great doctor.
- Max Basner: You could've been a great anything.
- David Basner: I am protecting my balls, just as, at one time or another, I'm sure you have protected your own
- Cheryl Ann Wayne: Are you suggesting that I come on too strong?
- David Basner: No. No, well, not for a sumo wrestler.
- David Basner: Mom, why don't you put on your shoes and come out of the cage? How many guys have said that to their mothers?
- David Basner: [to Andrew Woolridge] Sir, I was just wondering. By eating your entire meal with the salad fork, does that include the soup?
- Cheryl Ann Wayne: We'd make a good team.
- David Basner: You know, I sense that. But I don't know why.
- Cheryl Ann Wayne: Because you see something in me you really like. You see you.
- Max Basner: Why don't you get out now, so I can get some sleep - or else I'm going to be grumpy in the morning and I won't enjoy the operation.
- David Basner: Doris, did you miss me? Of course, you did. Huh! Ooo! Ah! Oo Oo! Ah! Oh, thanks for the quickie. Doris, you wear me out.
- [first lines]
- David Basner: You've done this before, haven't you?
- Shelley the Stewardess: No!
- David Basner: Obviously, you have.
- Shelley the Stewardess: Oh, I have to go back to work.
- David Basner: No. No, you don't. You don't have to go to work.
- Shelley the Stewardess: Yes, I do. I have to go. It's time.
- David Basner: No. No, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait, wait. Just - just give me, like, 10 minutes more? Fifteen? Fifteen? Twenty minutes more? Come on. I want to show you something. Come on. Come on. Now, what is this thing? How does this work? Am I supposed to twist this or something?
- David Basner: Really? From Davenport, Iowa? That's one of the quad cities, isn't it? I hear that's twice as good as the Twin Cities.
- Charlie Gargas: David, I know that you've received at least two other offers from agencies. You turn them down or else I'm gong throw you right out your new window.
- David Basner: Oh, Charlie, there' not boing to make me a partner. Why would I go with anybody else?
- Charlie Gargas: Partner? Boyle, Gargas, Lionel and Basner?
- David Basner: Like John, Paul, George and Ringo.
- Max Basner: What have you got? A blonde on the other pillow? A redhead with tight jeans with the name across the ass? When I was a kid we didn't *need* any names, just an ass!
- Shelley the Stewardess: Tell me, are you *involved* with anybody?
- David Basner: Yes. No. Well - does self-involved count?
- Max Basner: I'm better off without her. She was some bundle of fun, that one. My sides still hurt from laughing.
- Lorraine Basner: You have no idea what it was like since you moved away, David. I mean, there was nobody to talk to! He'd come home and there was still nobody to talk to. I'd check his club chair, to see if he was sitting in it. That's how I knew if he was home. I mean, I didn't leave because of the yelling. I left because of the *silence*.
- David's Secretary: She said she was your mother. I wouldn't know. I've been working for you three years, I didn't even know you had parents.
- David Basner: You know what my scenario was for this whole thing? I was gonna move away. I was gonna get rich and move into a luxurious mansion and my parents would come visit me once. And they were gonna say, "Oh, what a nice mansion. We love you, David." And I was gonna say, "I love you too Mom and Dad." And then they were gonna go away and die. Does this make me an asshole?
- Donna Mildred Martin: The whole point of this acting exercise is uninhibited body motion, uninhibited speech, sound. Open it up. Open it up! Michael over here is making very, very good amoeba noises. Thank you, Michael. Zachary, Nancy, what are you two doing?
- Zachary: Making baby amoebas.
- Donna Mildred Martin: I would prefer a little asexual reproduction, if you don't mind. Thank you.
- Donna Mildred Martin: He's an old flame, an old high-school flame. Look closely, girls, this is what you want to avoid later in life.
- Nat Vogel: Drop by a little later, I have some girlie pictures I wanna show you.
- Max Basner: Well, if they're as bad as last week, keep 'em to yourself.
- David Basner: Childish, immature, and selfish? That's right. I am. Do you know how much money I make thinking this way?
- Donna Mildred Martin: It is economically unsound to grow up.
- Andrew Woolridge: Do you know how to do the Heimlich maneuver?
- Head Waiter: Why, certainly, sir.
- Andrew Woolridge: I'll have the trout.
- David Basner: Excuse me, do you happen to have the time?
- Cheryl Ann Wayne: Yes, it is, let's see, 7:30.
- David Basner: Oh my God, we'd better hurry. Before you know it the Renaissance will be here and we'll be busy painting.
- Cheryl Ann Wayne: What are you talking about?
- David Basner: That's a line from a movie. Forget it. It didn't work. It's a Woody Allen movie. Does that carry any wait?
- Cheryl Ann Wayne: No, it doesn't. But it wasn't a disaster.
- Max Basner: It just so happens that this is a great sales gimmick. It's also a helluva way to meet women.
- David Basner: He's private. He's cautious, He's conservative. He's, you know, a man of few words.
- Charlie Gargas: Or, maybe he's dumb, paranoid and totally off his rocker. Nobody knows for sure.
- Cheryl Ann Wayne: Basner, I'm a big girl. I chose to come here. Now I choosing to go. So, you can handle it any way you want.
- Andrew Woolridge: I want to hear about him.
- Cheryl Ann Wayne: He's with one of three top agencies in the Midwest. They are particularly strong with TV spots. Basner is the new Creative Director. He's good - but a little impulsive. He tends to give up everything for a pretty face.
- David Basner: And I wear bikini briefs.
- [Woolridge looks down on Basner's crotch]
- Cheryl Ann Wayne: Basner, let's talk. There's one thing that makes it difficult for a woman in the corporate world and that's a label that she slept her way to the top. I don't have to do that. I have an MBA from the Wharton School of Business and all the other credentials. You and I will get along just fine if you remember to stay on your side of the line. And if you try to cross it, I'm fully capable of kicking you in the balls.
- David Basner: I'll have a white wine spritzer, please.
- Andrew Woolridge: I said we're having drinks.
- David Basner: I'll have a Stoli on the rocks, please.
- Andrew Woolridge: Do you know anything about horses?
- David Basner: A little, but, my father has a passion for horses.
- Andrew Woolridge: Oh, breeding?
- David Basner: Well, betting.
- Andrew Woolridge: I guess a lot of people would tell you that kind of honesty is admirable. But I won't.