Apocalypse Warriors

If you're a Corinne Wahl fan, you'll have to see this movie at least once just so that you can witness the famous scene where she puts on her most serious and angry face, points a pistol at five dusty desperados dressed in Civil war uniforms and says "I'd love to blow you guys right here." Corinne tries so hard to be non-sexual, it's hysterical. The response by the desperados is equally amusing: The #1 bad guy acts frightened, scrambles to his feet and shouts "Keep your pants on, little missy!"

There is little to redeem this movie. I've seen better high school productions. The costuming was created using black spray paint and sporting equipment (football shoulder pads, helmets, hockey sticks, ski masks, etc). The whole movie was filmed in a dusty quarry somewhere east of LA. None of the actors in this movie are famous ... because they can't act.

See this movie if you want to see Corinne Wahl shooting guns, driving wildly in a rusty Mustang and running around in dusty black leather and leotards. Disappointingly, there is no skin in this movie and the only love scene consists of 30 seconds of kissing.

Rating Breakdown: Story - 1.00 :: Direction - 1.00 :: Pacing - 0.75 :: Performances - 0.75 :: Entertainment - 1.00 TOTAL - 4.5/10

Ah, the Eighties-a decade when dystopian sci-fi films meant wastelands, explosions, and shoulder pads so large they could double as aircraft hangars. And in this grand tradition of bargain-bin Mad Max knock-offs comes Equalizer 2000, a film that asks: "What if a gun was the main character?"

The plot, if you can call it that, follows Slade, a soldier for the evil Corporation (because all futuristic dystopias have one), who turns against his employers after his friend is murdered. He wanders through the desert, meeting various factions of people who all look like they got lost on their way to a Road Warrior convention, and then, with the help of an old friend of his father's, he builds the ultimate weapon-the Equalizer 2000. It is less of a gun and more of an artillery installation strapped to one man, and it exists solely to resolve the film's many, many conflicts in the loudest way possible.

Character development is nonexistent. Slade is not a hero, nor is he an anti-hero-he is simply a man attached to a machine gun. Richard Norton, an actual martial artist, is bafflingly underused until the final act, while Robert Patrick, in one of his earliest roles, injects some much-needed charisma into an otherwise cardboard cast. But the real stars here are the explosions-glorious, real, and reckless, a tribute to a time when stuntmen risked life and limb for your entertainment.

It is not good. It is not intelligent. But it is honest in its mission: big gun, big bangs, big fun. Would I watch it again? Not for a long time. But if you want a perfect slice of Eighties schlock for a lazy afternoon, it is ready and waiting.

Here's an entirely undistinguished post apocalyptic yarn from the normally reliable Cirio H Santiago.

Dashing martial arts star Richard Norton has very little to do here other than run around with a souped up gun, alternatively shooting and blowing things up. Yes, if you like gun fire and explosions then this may well be blissful viewing but for those requisite of a bit more substance to their viewing this will prove a decidedly tedious watch.

Not wishing to stray from the main point of my review, but one thing that never ceases to irritate me about some of the reviews on IMDb is the swift tendency by many reviewers to label every single low budget flick as 'The greatest B-movie ever!'. OK, so I admit that tastes vary and it's very much a subjective issue but really – before awarding any such lofty accolade, do so with at least some perspective and knowledge of the genre to which the relevant film belongs. The film in question for instance is anything but a classic in any way, shape or form.

In fact the only reason I can think to watch this other than for Norton completists is to a) see the always superb Robert Patrick in an early role and b) to see the very beautiful (and buxom!) Corinne Wahl as the films heroine.

For a far more enjoyable Mad Max/Road Warrior inspired outing try instead some of the Italian entries in the genre which are infinitely more memorable and indeed so much more fun than this.

You might not think at first that a jungle country like the Philippines would get involved with making post-apocalypse movies, but it actually did happen a number of times in the 1980s. Many of them were made by the prolific B-movie filmmaker Cirio H. Santiago, and while "Equalizer 2000" is not one of his worst, it is perhaps one of his most forgettable. Despite hiring martial arts movie star Richard Norton, Santiago pretty much wastes him. Norton hardly gets to do anything resembling true martial arts, and for the most part he comes across as bland and unemotional. The bland feeling extends to the gun battles and car chases as well. Though there seems to be an excuse for action every few minutes, there is no zip or excitement to be found; it just seems to be going through the motions instead. As I indicated earlier, there's nothing to make this post-apocalypse movie stand out from the pack from the countless others that were made in the 1980s all over the world. If you want to see a GOOD post-apocalypse actioner made by Santiago, track down a copy of "Wheels of Fire" instead.

Prolific low-budget director Cirio H. Santiago made a career of directing low-budget genre pictures in the Philippines for US distributors and here brings to us his version of "The Road Warrior." Musclebound stuntman/actor/martial artist Richard Norton ("Twinkle Twinkle Lucky Stars" "Gymkata") plays Slade, our hero who uses his giant machine gun, the Equalizer 2000, to defeat a nasty gang of wasteland bikers. Compared to most of the Italian Mad Max ripoffs, this one actually bothered to film a few car chase action sequences that aren't too bad, but most of the movie is a bunch of dudes in ratty clothes fighting, arguing, and shooting each other up in what looks like an abandoned quarry. One interesting casting note, this is the first film appearance of Robert Patrick, four years before his star making role as the T-1000 in "Terminator 2: Judgement Day." Overall, "Equalizer 2000" is nothing to go out of your way to watch, but if you're desperate for a warriors of the wasteland action flick and have seen all of the good non-Mad Max ones (i.e. "Cherry 2000" "A Boy and His Dog" "Doomsday" "Six String Samurai" and the list pretty much stops there), Cirio H. Santiago's "Equalizer 2000" or "Wheels of Fire" may scratch your itch.