Firehead

I purchased Firehead because I like bad movies and, well it's called Firehead, isn't it? It's terrible. Inexcusably bad. But you probably already guessed that or, heaven forbid, watched it and knew.

It concerns a Russian super-soldier with telekinetic abilities who defects to the US ("I'm going to find a free country") and eventually turns on his American handler as well. Christopher Plummer plays his former boss, Vaughn, who is part of a shadowy secret group that wishes to rule the world. I'd explain more of the plot, but it's a fun combination of dumb and nonsensical, so I won't. It doesn't matter anyway. Suffice to say that Vaughn decides it's a good idea to enlist a chemist to track down a rampaging super-powered defector blowing up factories. But fear not! He has assigned an assassin to tag along and take out this raging Russian. An assassin who frequently gets surprised by people sneaking up on her, sure, but an assassin no less. It goes pretty steadily downhill from there.

The only reason this movie gets even two stars out of me is wholly because of the performances of Martin Landau and Christopher Plummer, who manage to prove they can float on top of sewage. I suspect they owed somebody favors. Big, big favors. They're good enough, in fact, to be part of the problem. They'd raise the bar back up off the ground, and I'd foolishly start expecting good things only to be hit upside the head again with, for instance, a government-trained professional gunman shooting down a very narrow hallway at our protagonists walking side by side and missing. That sort of thing.

Such a vast, uncountable amount of bullets are fired at our two (sometimes three) protagonists that I started to be concerned with the quantities of wasted metal that would go unrecycled when said bullets inevitably missed. This movie features perhaps the worst gunfights I've seen in a movie. If you kinda run and then maybe duck and then sort of look the other way when someone's unloading their clip at you, even if you're completely out in the open, you'll be just fine in the world of Firehead.

If you come to Firehead hoping for a good movie, then seriously, what's wrong with you? It's called Firehead. If you're hoping for a hilarious bad movie, then you're headed in the right direction. It's not one of the best of the worst or anything--there are some slow moments, but it seriously shines in spots. It has awful, awful gunfights. Constantly. It has probably the worst little girl actress I've encountered delivering some inspired lines. In also has an ending so dumb, tangential and inexplicable that I was amazed. And it has enough little unexpected bad moments, one of which involves a squeaky toy, to keep you interested.

2/10 for quality. 6/10 as bad movies go.

Soooo boring. Unoriginal and poorly acted. Script is horrible. The RiffTrax version is funny and that's this movie's only saving grace. So sad to see the immortal Jack Lemon's son debase himself with this garbage.

A research scientist (Chris Lemmon) joins a government assassin to track down a Russian cyborg. But is the laser-shooting cyborg the real enemy, or is someone in the government pulling the strings for their own nefarious purposes?

The 80s and 90s were full of cheesy, schlock-filled action movies. Given the cast and the presence of actual production standards, it's shocking to me that Firehead is one of the worst of the bunch. There are a couple of big issues I have with Firehead. First, and most importantly, the plot is a joke. In fact, there really isn't much of a plot - more like a vague story idea attempting to hold various poorly choreographed action set-pieces together. And what little story there is in Firehead is entirely predictable. I promise this isn't a spoiler, but watching the movie, you realize about 0.000253 seconds into the thing that the real bad guy isn't the Russian. Who could it be? Maybe over-acting, what's-he-doing-in-this-piece-of-garbage Christopher Plummer? It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.

My second big issue with Firehead is the acting. More specifically, my problem is with Chris Lemmon. When he's not trying to channel his father, he has one mode of acting - comedic surprise to every situation. Regardless of how mundane, ordinary, or predictable the situation, Lemmon's attempted comedic overreaction gets old real quick. It's a one note performance.

Speaking of acting, why oh why is Martin Landau in this turkey? Was he that hard up or did he just owe someone a favor? Even with his very limited screen time, he easily outshines the rest of the cast.

One last thing, previously, I mentioned poorly choreographed set-pieces. Let me cite just one example of what I"m talking about. Two bad guys and two good guys are firing guns at each other. All are in a narrow hallway, separated by no more than 10 feet. Does anyone get hit? Of course not. After about three or four of these scenes, it got to be quite funny. Not funny enough to save the movie or anything, but it does create one of the few "memorable" moments in what is otherwise a completely forgettable experience.

2/10

As far as the production itself: 2 stars, only for the presence of the classy Plummer (at least you can watch him and reflect on all the good movies he's been in) and ever-intense Landau (whose acting job here does him no favors.) Elsewise, this truly is an awful picture, thus made for Rifftrax. The mocking 'Trax team--I suspect when they were young, they made life miserable for a lot of unpopular kids who will no doubt come back as zombies to execute vengeance---have plenty to ridicule in this amateur spy shoot-em-up. Some of the riffs aren't their best level, but there are still plenty that hit the mark. The grade-school acting, plot, and dialogue give them a lot to work with. An amusing watch.

This movie is one of those films where you are watching and you feel as if you missed something. This movie just feels off, especially at the start where it just seems like Ivan, the one known as Firehead has been featured in another film. Unfortunately, he has not been, but I guess you could say that is a good thing too as this film was just a very weak action film made on a shoestring budget. How that got Plummer and Landau is beyond me, but I am guessing their salaries made up most of the budget because the shootouts are boring and there is not all that much destruction going on within the film.

The story as I said plays like a sequel as we see Ivan walk away from his Russian duties showing off his eye laser powers. He apparently does telekinesis, but the synopsis here incorrectly refers to him as a Russian cyborg. Well, in USA he begins blowing up stuff and soon Chris Lemon is whining and trying to find him while being paired with a lady we later learn is a top assassin, yet she displays absolutely no skill whatsoever. They all must go against this secret society of rectangle people who are planning to stoke the fires of war, but do not worry, there was not enough in the budget to depict that.

The acting is about what you would expect as Chris Lemon overacts in every scene while the guy playing Ivan mimics a Russian accent with a lot of gusto and little girl shrieks all her lines loudly and obnoxiously. Meanwhile, Plummer takes his role serious while Landau is most likely regretting being in the movie. The action is boring, Ivan's powers are not used much at all making them seem almost pointless to what is going on and no nudity to speak of. All this adds up to a very bland action film.

So, this is a pretty bad film. Watched a film called Samurai Cop and it was bad too, but it was an awesomely bad film, while this one is just a dull bad which is way worse! That film still managed to entertain, while this one made me wonder when it was going to be over! Once again, I am not sure why they had the Russian dude have powers if they were going to be used the minimal number of times and he does nothing in the final scenes, and the film is titled after him, not Lemon's character!