Click: The Calendar Girl Killer

Take one part "Eyes of Laura Mars" ripoff (photographer shoots models in kinky violent situations, then somebody starts killing the models) plus one part even cheesier "Psycho" imitation (transvestite killer with major mommy issues), add terrible dialogue, enormous 80s teased hair, opening/closing credits with tacky girls-'n'-guns imagery, choppy/sloppy grade-C film-making, and....Well, let's just say this might strike you as one of the stupidest/funniest films ever made, IF you're watching with friends and have had a few drinks. Otherwise, it's campy enough for dedicated bad-movie aficionados but not quite enough to be an outright camp classic. There's no violence, gore or nudity (unless bikinis count) until all ridiculous hell breaks loose in the last half hour, and even then those elements are pretty feeble. But it's all so ineptly sleazy you might not mind.

CLICK: THE CALENDAR GIRL KILLER is a late-entry instalment for those purveyors of schlock, Crown International Pictures, and it's an extremely poor film. Sloppily made, written in a hurry, with unbelievable characters and ridiculous situations. However, it's also entertaining in a so-bad-it's-good kind of way, which means that it's much better than the majority of Crown's output.

The plot is some throwback to the old PSYCHO routine with a hidden villain struggling with multiple personality syndrome. Along the way, a number of nubile young women - who end up either undressed or parading around in their underwear - are offed in not particularly gory ways.

CLICK has little that horror or slasher fans won't have seen before, but there are fun performances from the likes of Troy Donahue and in particular Ross Hagen, and it's hard to dislike those cheesy performances. In fact, with Hagen also contributing to the direction and script, it must have been a labour of love for the actor, and it shows.

Click has got to be one of, if not THE worst movie I have ever seen. You've got to be worried when the opening and closing credits are accompanied by scantily-clad tramps dancing around in the background. This film tells the pathetic story of some stupid killer killing off Calendar models, even though we don't see any of this action until the second half of the film when he stalks a small group of models at closed-set ranch out in the middle of nowhere! I heard from an online acquaintance that many of the actors were pulled from the film by the MPAA or SAG for some odd reason, which may explain why many scenes and characters don't make any sense whatsoever to the story and only appear in limited scenes, particularly the first scenes.

What also got on my nerves was the fact that none of these girls were even attractive enough to be models and not many of their faces ring a bell. The director probably met them on the street, much like a character in the film does, arghh this film is sooo bad, although particular merit goes to Friday the 13th gals Susan Jennifer Sullivan and Juliette Cummins (one of the pulled actors - had a big role) who turn in quite decent performances, especially Susan. The rest of the cast, Troy Donahue in particular, just annoyed me.

Would be the worst movie of all time if people had actually seen it! So if you're REALLY bored, watch.. actually don't watch it.. go rent the Vice Academy series where at least the campiness is entertaining! This is trash.. what the hell were they thinking?? Same applies to me that day in the video store!! (exhale)

Ross Hagen home movie has a deranged transvestite knocking off centrefold models at a photographer's isolated ranch. Next big thing (Sims) is lured to the ranch to advance her career, but her disapproving boyfriend (Cummins) follows her and ends up part of the ensuing madness.

Shot on video, Hagen has spared no expense with his pyrotechnic displays, use of blank ammunition and fake tan, while the stunts are unlimited and the cast attractive and diverse. Troy Donahue has a few pointless scenes as Hagen's pastel-coloured polo shirt wearing assistant, while Hoke Howell has a virtual cameo as a PI investigating the strange disappearances of models. Some audiences might recognise Tracy Dali and Dona Speir from other, eh, publications although their roles are strictly ancillary (Speir has a prominent role in the first two scenes then abruptly disappears without explanation). As for Hagen's performance as the offbeat snapper, he looks professional if tired, but really comes to life in the final act, nursery rhymes and all. A performance not to be missed.

There's a couple of humorous moments where Cummins learns to fight and teaches a male model to ride his motor-cycle, but it's still pretty flimsy with an awful lot of time spent with Sims (vaguely reminiscent of a young Elisabeth Shue) and Cummins arguing, then making up, then arguing again etc etc. The film ambles to 80 minutes which gives you an idea of how much action, or lack thereof, is contained in the movie. No issue with Ross Hagen wanting to show that movie-making is accessible to almost any budget, just wish he had a better concept before he embarked on this glorified home movie.

CLICK: THE CALENDAR GIRL KILLER opens with beautiful, oily women in barely-there bikinis, brandishing knives and guns while striking various poses. This is pretty much the way it goes in this movie, with more photoshoots with increasingly bigger guns.

Is that a flamethrower? Where did they find so many gorgeous women with soap bubbles between their ears? Hey! There's a chainsaw! Here come the machineguns!

Meanwhile, a killer prepares to relieve these vacuous women of their exciting lives.

This is a hilariously silly movie about the hazards of calendar modeling. The actual murders take forever to get rolling, but the rest is such absurd brilliance that it hardly matters! Nonsensical situations merge with muddle-headed dialogue to produce this cinematic wonder.

THIS MENAGERIE ALSO INCLUDES: #1- Pirate chicks with eyepatches and double-barreled pistols! #2- A watermelon! #3- Cavemen! #4- A finale pitting a Fonzie lookalike against the world's burliest nurse!

Watch immediately!...