Sacrée sorcière

Louise Miller (Robyn Lively) is not very popular at her high school. Then she learns that she is descended from the witches of Salem and has inherited their powers.

First, what is up with that little brother (Joshua John Miller)? He is a terrifying mutant and it is hard to tell exactly what he is going for with those faces and voices. Oh my. And then there is the Rob Lowe joke, which is even funnier now (2015) than it was then (1989), given Lowe's departure from fame and triumphant return.

Somehow, despite losing millions of dollars at the box office, this has gone on to be a cult classic (allegedly) and there is a musical adaptation. Who is in this cult? But the musical makes sense, as there are a number of song and dance numbers that could be easily adapted. The film is not completely horrible, just somehow a bit off.

YouTube is guilty of bringing me to this movie thanks to the Top That rapping that's been doing the rounds on my suggested videos (and I'm not sure what that says about me and my and my algorithms).

I wasn't really prepared for the bizarre collage of 80'sness that was going to unfold.

The small psychic lady from Poltergeist, sudden moments of turning into a music video with really really bad lyrics, look at my many different, very much of its time, fashion outfits montages and sexual harassment that would lead to several court cases in today's world. (Although I will argue this film is a good case that the, 'female gaze', and objectification of men was indeed around in decades gone).

Everything about this film had me engrossed because it just would not be made today and it's so lame 80's it's hilarious throughout but also fascinatingly cool in a retro way.

I didn't really pay much attention to the story as I was to engrossed in the camp and comedic to care, but the plots is so basic you'll know how the entire movie will roll, at about the four minute mark.

The whole thing is a slice of nostalgia, even for those who weren't around in the 80's.

Want to step into the head of what a late 1980's 13 year old girl dreams being 16 is like, then watch this. Fan of camp, cult or pop culture, watch this. Want to see the guys actual tongue slide in out of the girls mouth in the kiss scene, errrr you can watch this as well. Like a bit of 420, smoke that then watch this.

Teen Witch (1989) was one of those "white elephant" movies that I always found perversely entertaining. I'm like a moth drawn to an open flame whenever this movie is on T.V. I don't know why I like movies like these, but for some strange reason I do. The movie is an exercise in bad acting, gaudy clothes and inane situations. Personally I wouldn't have a movie like this in my collection but whenever it's on I'm there.

A teenage girl (Robin Lively) is about to have her sweet sixteen birthday. One day whilst having bad luck in general, she comes across a palm reader's abode. Seeking calm from the approaching storm she seeks refuge inside. The palm reader is a diminutive woman who reluctantly read the young lady's palm. She's learns from her reading that she's a descendant in the long line of witches just like herself. After learning that she'll be a witch with great powers after her 16th birthday, the woman takes her under her wing. Can she master her powers and make her dreams come true?

Overall the movie isn't all that great. In fact you'll feel kind of silly watching this teenage tripe. The movie has no real message and the supernatural angle is quite lame. When I saw this the first time I hoped something bad would happen to Robin Lively, but it never came to fruition. Oh well, if you really dig 80's movies, this one's for you. Others need not to apply.

Fair.

I can't help it--I love this movie. It's so adorably cliché and predictable that I get a kick out of it every time that I see it. The soundtrack is great 80's pop, and the songs keep playing in my head long after the movie's over. What teen girl hasn't wished she could "magically" put the "snobby cheerleader" in her place and walk away with the popular guy? Louise gets that chance when she inherits her powers on her 16th birthday and uses them to make herself "the most popular girl." Yes, it's a bit silly in spots, but it has fun dance numbers and great 80's hairstyles and clothes. If you love the 80's, you will enjoy this movie!

With Teen Witch, you can get your friends together who want to get a dose of the 80s - an elephant-size heroin injection of the 80s, complete with Madonna-ripoff soundtrack and single-pig-tail and spandex - and get quite a good many laughs at its expense. Or sometimes with it, but very rarely. It's a film with the intent to put forth the old and very tired cliché: a girl who can't fit in will do stuff to make herself fit in really big, only to discover, color us shocked, that it's really best to just be yourself, maybe, if you're good enough as is. That's the most of a moral I could get out of it anyway. Oh, and if you're a high school girl, the quarterback is always a Tom Cruise clone, I guess, only a little more buff and less creepy.

But man-o-man, get ready for cheese here. And sometimes some weird surprises in the cast. Such as Shelly Berman (who some might recall as Larry David's father on Curb Your Enthusiasm) in a bad hairpiece as the most incomprehensibly bad and nosy teacher ever who gets his just desserts (or too much thereof) with a mojo-doll mock-up of himself by Louise Miller. Or Marcia Wallace basically doing a start-up version of her Mrs. Krabappel character on the Simpsons only as a drama teacher. Or even Dick Sergeant as the father of the household. Best of all is little old Zelda Rubinstein, the perennial little old lady in movies, who is perfect as the mentor witch to Robin Lively's Louise, giving sage advice and sometimes just doing silly things like making cute guys out of frogs. Yeah, one of those old-lady witches.

So, what to expect? Lots of random musical segments, usually complimented by a boombox or stereo nearby, with songs like "I LIKE BOYS!" in a girl's locker room, or with the really shockingly dated and howlingly funny white-guy rapping on the street that becomes a rap-off with Louise's possessed best friend. Oh, and lots of montages, and cruel jokes, and a very stereotypical mean-little brother of Louise's who may in fact be playing it too gay for a kid of pre-pubescent age. And a final prom scene that reeks of silliness and oddly timed romance. And did I mention the 1980's? Be warned, this is so unabashedly of its time and era and locked-in-John-Hughes mode of thought that you'll wonder if it's still the 21st century by the time it ends. Guilty pleasure.