Alienator

Intergalactic criminal Kol (Ross Hagen) has been sentenced to death and awaits execution on a spaceship designed for just such a purpose. But tonight there's going to be a jailbreak, and Kol flees on a conveniently-placed escape pod and flies towards Earth (which apparently is nearby). There he confronts a group of "teenagers" (who look thirty) and a game warden (John Phillip Law), who help protect him from his worst nightmare... the bounty hunter and executioner android (or more properly "gynoid") the Alienator.

From the cover of the box, I was confident this was going to be an awful movie. But, as awful as it turned out to be, it was a ton of fun as well (probably at least partially because I was watching it with someone who happens to be intensely awesome). The director (Fred Olen Ray), who has specialized in making over one hundred low-grade films (most notably "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers"), does what he does best and throws together a plot that only half makes sense and gives us rudimentary special effects. Bonus: P.J. Soles appears (as "Tara"), obviously at a low point in her career.

Sure, there's plot holes. Why are there hillbilly rednecks in California (allegedly Los Angeles County if I understood the warden correctly). What's up with the space woman's tacky blouse? Why is there a subplot about the ship captain forcefully trying to win her heart when this story goes nowhere? What the heck is "Quadrant 5"? How does chicken wire create an electromagnetic field that will short-circuit an android, yet land mines do virtually nothing? Why does Kol look like a drunk, Native American football player with emphysema? And the Lund guy (Robert Clarke)... does his character even have a point? Does the game he plays with the captain have a point? Does this movie have a point? But the biggest mystery is the android (or gynoid) the Alienator, played by Teagan Clive. What is an "alienator"? Why does it look like Daryl Hannah from "Blade Runner", only much larger? Because, see, if something is a cyborg, it's part human. But if it's an android, it's all machine. This was an android, so there was no reason to make it look human. It could have looked like anything. Yet, the person who designed her made her the size of a linebacker, with David Bowie's hair and a leotard that shows me just a little too much. If you're going to make a female android, wouldn't the purpose be to have her be seductive and lure enemies in? Mission not accomplished. They say beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, but I think I found a huge exception.

If "Mystery Science Theater 3000" were still around today, this film would be on a very short list of movies that need to get harangued.

Beyond the butt-nasty Alienator (sorry, Teagan, female weight lifters are gross) the film is alright. Maybe there's not much of a story and maybe the characters aren't really very interesting. And maybe the scene with the deer is incredibly adorable for no particular reason -- what use does a killer robot have with a deer? But overall, I actually liked the movie. I won't be pimping it out to my friends or running out to my local video store to pick up the latest DVD copy (which I'm sure is just packed with amazing special features -- not). But I consider seeing this movie time well spent and look forward to similar adventures in the future.

Alienator (1990)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

With Fred Olen Ray directing and just looking at the title and what movie it's "copying" you should know what to expect. Kol (Ross Hagen) is about to be executed when he escapes his planet so the commander (Jan-Michael Vincent) sends a female alien to Earth to try and track him down. Kol ends up running into a sheriff and five drunks and soon they're caught up in this battle. There's no big secret that ALIENATOR is a pretty bad movie but I have to give credit to director Fred Olen Ray for at least knowing he's making a low-budget, bad movie. The reason I say that is that I often get the itch to watch a movie like this and more often than not you have a director thinking he's working with a $200-million dollar budget. The young director will try tricky shots, various plot twists and by the end of the movie you're asking yourself if the guy knew he was just making a piece of junk and you'll wonder why he thought he could do more with it. Mr. Ray doesn't go for that and instead it's clear that he knows what type of movie he's making and he just tries to make the best of it. This is certainly a bad film but at least there's some mild charm to be had. I thought there were a couple fairly funny moments but the highlight has to be the costume that our female killer wears. I'm not even going to attempt to try and explain it but once you see the thing you'll know what I mean. I also have to tip my hat to the outfit worn by P.J. Soles (HALLOWEEN, CARRIE) because it too is quite catchy and you can tell some imagination went into it. The special effects are obviously silly but it appears they're having a fun time with them. Yes, the performances are also bad but again credit has to go to Ray. Instead of trying to get the actors to do Shakespeare, he instead has some over-the-top moments that at least fits the performances. The violence/gore/nudity level is shockingly low, which is one negative thing as a bit more of any probably would have helped things. ALIENATOR is a bad film, yes, but when you compare it to other rips of THE TERMINATOR you'll see that it could have been much, much worse.

Kol, space prisoner on space death row, manages to hijack a space shuttle and escape to the woods of America where he, along with some new found friend try to escape from the 'Alienator" a female cyborg killing machine. Made one year after the best movie of Fred Olen Ray's career, "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers", this one can't help but feel like a bit of a letdown. Just as low-budget as that earlier film, but not nearly as fun as I had with it. None of the actors really stood out at me. The film is alright for the undiscriminating viewer during a rainy Saturday afternoon, but that's pretty much all it's good for.

My Grade: D+

Where i saw it: Showtime Thriller

My review was written in November 1989 after watching the film on Prism video cassette.

"Alienator" is a tongue-in-cheek sci-fi thriller geared toward home video fans with a soft spot for the old stars and old-fashioned serials.

Film dovetails closely with previous pics by Fred Olen Ray, particularly "Star Slammer", in a tale of rebel leader Ross Hagen, who escapes execution on a remote prison planet and travels to Earth. Muscle lady Teagan Clive (as the title "Alienator" character) is sent to destroy him and his Earthling youngsters, Jesse Dabson and Dawn Wildsmith, who have befriended Hagen.

The appearance of genre vets like Robert Clarke and Robert Quarry is a plus, but "Alienator" suffers from a weak script. Leads Jan-Michael Vincent and John Phillip Law have little to do; Wildsmith is cast against type in an uncharacteristically wimpy role, and P. J. Soles is stuck in a rather goofy costume as an outer space technician.

Not enough is made of Teagan Clive, the Alienator. She's strange and awesome looking in a revealing heavy metal outfit but had a much better role in the Italian horror film "Obsesion: A Taste for Fear".

Tech credits are adequate.

Well, I had to be generous and give this a 2. This was mainly due to the gratuitous holes cut in that lady's shirt where her breasts are. I found that mildly amusing. Other than that, this movie does nothing more than provide a few good laughs with a friend. Funny if you're willing to throw "mystery science theatre" comments at it with someone, but it ain't no better than a 2. And a 2 pretty much sucks.