Space Mutiny: La Guerre du futur

Run, don't walk! Use those pneumatic catapults that launch jumpsuited terrorists through the air to escape this drivel. This movie shows just how limiting a small budget and a lack of imagination is. Footage lifted from Battlestar Galactica is edited into something that resembles a story. Can't really tell. There's a large slab of beef walking around that's supposed to be our hero. Santa Claus commands this barge with the help from Sting. His daughter looks like Sheri Lewis gone bad and they fight the evil Calgon! Watch this one on MST and watch for the dead girl who comes back to life and resumes her post on the bridge.

I must agree with that quote. This movie royally sucked. The plot and acting are terrible. The special effects are somewhat good, but they are ripped off from Battle star Galactica. The MST version of course rocked. That's where I got that quote which was just hilarious. I will say one good thing about this movie: It was awfully nice of them to give that dead woman a second chance.

Anyway, this movie was terrible and deserves to be on the bottom 100. Never watch it without Mike, Tom Servo and Crow.

OK, folks! Don't worry, I won't be giving away anything important, although I don't think I could spoil this movie if I tried. So off we go...

As what sounds like Kintaro's arrangement of 'O Fortuna' wafts our way, we are subjected to the film's opening credits. They look like they were produced by a Commodore 64 and they freeze up more than once because there are too darned many moving objects on the screen.

Welcome to Battlestar Galactica-- I mean, the Southern Sun! This ship is home to an entire civilization, despite the fact that 90% of it appears to be a brewery. In charge of this magnificent flying basement is Captain Santa Claus, assisted by his Billy-Idol-wannabe sidekick. I've seen this movie at least a dozen times and still am not really sure what the plot is, but it has something to do with a greasy-haired guy named Kalgan trying to disrupt the transportation of a bunch of magical -- and (of course) extremely horny -- women. Santa puts our seemingly brain-damaged hero Ryder in charge of defeating Kalgan. Meanwhile Captain Santa's daughter Leah, who somehow doesn't seem much younger than the Captain himself, gets pretty chummy with Ryder. In the words of Crow T. Robot: "If you pretend you know what's going on, it's actually kind of exciting."

Watch and enjoy the following: Vacu-formed unitards, ridiculously small weapons, Santa's incredibly fake beard, tinfoil muu-muus, Kalgan's giggling fits, Ryder's bizarre reaction shots, a woman who punches in at work despite the fact that she was just murdered, Leah's sensual Dance of the Hoola Hoop, the most '80s bar scene EVER, women who reeeeeally like Van DeGraf Generators, countless shots of computer screens (graphics by Kenner), Ryder's attempt to say 'auxiliary', and numerous molasses-fast chase scenes involving golf carts... or floor waxers or something.

This movie is not campy; it's just that everything is wrong in all the right ways. Acting, sets, lighting, costumes, dialogue... they're all just plain goofy. These folks tried to make an exciting space-drama -- and maybe it would've been if they had dared to take ANYTHING up a notch -- but every aspect of it just says, "space movie" and nothing more.

If this movie was just plain bad, you might have to feel sad for the people that made it, thinking it would work. However, it makes such a leap into the ridiculous that you just have to laugh. A must-see for fans of so-bad-it's-good movies. And whether you love or hate sci-fi, this is a very funny movie.

I give it a 4 -- it may not affect you the way it's supposed to, but it's great entertainment.

Flint IronStag, Bulk VanderHuge, Thick McRunFast...

How bad does a movie have to be when it can't even afford special FX, so it has to borrow visuals from a TV series like "Battlestar: Galactica"?

As bad as "Space Mutiny".

Blast HardCheese, Punch RockGroin, Buck PlankChest...

And this one is really bad. Scratch that: really really really REALLY bad. Bad like a room full of dirty socks. Bad like listening to Yanni music for the rest of your life. Bad like a prison haircut. Bad like that tux you wore to the prom.

Stump JunkMan, Dirk HardPec, Rip SteakFace...

The story might have worked (members of expedition to new planet revolt against captain, crew), but they blew it from the moment they used old Commodore graphics for the starting credits and an old Casio keyboard for the theme music.

Slate SlabRock, Crud BoneMeal, Brick HardMeat...

The cast helps nothing by containing the likes of such once-respected actors as Cameron Mitchell, James Ryan and John Phillip Law (yes, he was respected once) in the cast. The sight of Mitchell in his bushy white beard makes it look like he should be handing out toys to the cast and inviting them to sit on his lap.

Rip SlagCheek, Punch SideIron, Gristle McThornBody...

Has anyone seen Cisse Cameron in anything other than this movie? No? Probably a good thing, especially after watching her "seduction" scene with that bald guy and trying to dance seductively with a hula hoop. It's like watching your grandma in a strip club. Ewww....

Slate FistCrunch, Buff HardBack, Blast ThickNeck...

But the worst offenses are committed by "hero" Reb Brown, all beefed-up and steroid-enhanced as a space jock who screams, shouts, whines and will make no one forget Sam Jones when he played "Flash Gordon" so many years back.

Crunch ButtSteak, Slab SquatThrust, Lump BeefBroth...

And has anyone ever seen a spaceship with brick walls, warehouse windows and cement floors? Me neither. Jeez, even the old Roger Corman sci-fi flicks had better set design than this.

Touch Rustrod, Brief Blastbody, Big McLargeHuge...

And as if you haven't guessed, the only (and I mean ONLY) way you'll ever get any enjoyment out of this mess is by watching the MST3K version with Mike and the Robots throwing every last bit of pretension this flick had over one of its innumerable rails to the floor far below.

Smoke ManMuscle, Feet PunchBeef...

Two stars for "Space Mutiny", ten stars for the MST3K version (plus five special stars for all the superlatives for Brown).

...Bob Johnson?

Ah, Space Mutiny, definitely one of the best Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes, it's one of my favorites personally. I think the reason why this is such a great episode is due to the fact that this film is just so unbelievably bad, you know? I mean these are the kind of movies that you just look at and question constantly how it got green lighted since it's just such an awful film. I'm not just saying bad, I'm saying that there must have been about 5 million things wrong with this movie. There are tons and tons of continuity problems, a woman who dies in one scene, then the next scene she is a noticeable extra that's alive and well. The "hero" of the film has extremely horrible acting qualities, not to mention that he screams like a girl. The "sexy lady" of the story looks like she's in her late fifties and again, her acting is lousy. The "villain" won't stop with this ridiculous laughter. The story itself is just a bad one.

The people in space on the Southern Sun are supposedly happy and looking for a new world to create something new and peaceful. But some apparently have grown impatient, like Calgon(yeah, that's the villain's name, sad, isn't it?) and his "wise" followers. But the leader of the Southern Sun, who looks a lot like Santa Claus, wishes peace, so he assigns Dave Ryder to save the day. Along with Santa's daughter, Lea, she and Dave pretty much have to out maneuver Calgon, just for God's sake, who couldn't? I mean the man's body guard looks like a lobster.

Space Mutiny is just in general a very bad film. I mean Mystery Science Theater 3000 sometimes gets some movies that are not so bad, but Space Mutiny is one of those films that is all around just a bad mistake. I'm not sure if they people who made this movie really looked at it in the editing room and really thought that this was an excellent or decent movie. The acting, the editing, the continuity, THE COSTUMES, the sets, the actors, everything about this movie was just plain bad. The sounds and script was just so laughable. Space Mutiny is not even good enough to be a cult film, the only thing that this film was good for was just the fact that it made one of the best Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes. But I have to admit that Calgon did blow me away, lol.

1/10