- Curtis Mooney: They took your wife away in a balloon? Well you don't need the police, pal, you need a psychiatrist!
- Debbie Stone: We were up at "the top of the world" and we saw this shooting star and we decided to go look for it. But instead of finding the shooting star we saw this... this circus tent. And that's when we went inside, and that is when we saw those people in those... those pink, cotton candy cocoons. Dave, it was not a circus tent. It was something else.
- Dave Hanson: What? What?
- Mike Tobacco: It was a space ship. And there was these things, these killer clowns, and they shot popcorn at us! We barely got away!
- Curtis Mooney: Killer clowns, from outer space. Holy shit!
- [as Jo-Jo The Ice Cream Clown]
- Paul Terenzi: I'm Jo-Jo the ice cream clown, we'll give you a stick, you'll give it a lick. And it'll tickle you all the way down. Ice cream, ice cream, we brought our goodies here to you! A tasty treat for while you screw! Let's take a break! Cool off those hot lips with our frozen fruity bars! Icy-wicy, fudgy-wudgy bars. And everyone's frozen delight, the lick a stick!
- Paul Terenzi: Mike, what do you want us to do? We've got ice cream to sell tonight.
- Mike Tobacco: Paul, this is more serious than selling ice cream. There's clowns going around killing people. We're all in danger.
- Slug: [as Tricycle Klown raises his fists] What are you gonna do... knock my block off?
- [Klown knocks Slug's head into a trash can]
- Black Biker: [amid screams from bikers] Damn!
- [after just witnessing the blinding light]
- Farmer Gene Green: Did you see that little ole sky doggie zip down there Pooh?
- [last lines]
- Debbie Stone: Do you think it's over?
- Mike Tobacco: Yeah, sure.
- [several pies hit them in the face]
- Mike Tobacco: [Mike and Debbie are inside the alien's "circus tent"] God, is this place great, or what? I mean, it looks like it was decorated by "Clowns R Us"!
- Debbie Stone: [Feeling a little uneasy] I don't know...
- Mike Tobacco: Hey, didn't you ever want to run away and join the circus?
- Debbie Stone: I wanted to run *away* from the circus.
- Mike Tobacco: How come?
- Debbie Stone: When I was five years old, my mom and my dad took me to the circus for the first time. Lion tamers, acrobats, tightrope walkers... I guess they were okay. But then, this little car drove up... and stopped right in front of *me*. Out jumped this huge clown. He jumped over to me... he lifted me right up out of my seat. Everybody was laughing, even my parents. Then he threw me up on his shoulders and he... he ran me out in the center ring. And all the other clowns started dancing around me... honking their horns and squeaking their noses. Their cakey white faces, and yellow eyes and dingy teeth, were tormenting me. I was terrified. I will never forget those horrible smiling faces as long as I live. Ugh!
- Mike Tobacco: Hey, don't worry. Nothing in here is going to hurt you.
- Curtis Mooney: ...I'm supposed to read you your rights. But you're in *Mooney's* jail, and in Mooney's jail you ain't *got* no rights!
- Curtis Mooney: That's it! Screw you and your college flunkies! I've had enough of this from you and from everyone else! I know what you guys are trying to do! Break me down! Drive me out of the force! Well it's gonna take a hell of a lot more than a lame prank like this to get Curtis Mooney to throw in his badge! So fuck you! Over.
- Mike Tobacco: Look, at least take me over to Debbie's house, okay? I think she's in danger.
- Rich Terenzi: Does she have any roommates?
- Mike Tobacco: ... Yes, she's got two, she's got two beautiful roommates, with big boobs!
- Paul Terenzi: Do they like ice cream?
- Mike Tobacco: They love it!
- [after finding the big top in the woods]
- Farmer Gene Green: Look Pooh, I love the circus. Maybe we can get some free passes.
- [Watching the stars, suddenly a bright light appears and disappears]
- Mike Tobacco: Did you see that?
- Debbie Stone: Yeah I saw that! That was incredible!
- Curtis Mooney: Hey wait, I know you, you little fart, you're the friend of those hooligans the Terenzi brothers!
- Slug: [to Tricycle Klown] Mean bike you got there.
- [bikers laugh mockingly]
- Slug: [sarcastically eager] Can I take a ride... pal?
- [Klown shakes head no]
- Slug: Can I beep the horn?
- [Klown shakes head yes]
- Slug: [sarcastically joyous] Oh, thank you!
- [proceeds to smash Klown's bike, bikers laugh uproariously]
- Black Biker: [to bikers] Shoulda' let the man ride his bike.
- [more laughter]
- Slug: [sarcastically remorseful] I'm sorry, I... I seem to have broken your bike.