- [the landowners meet to elect a new Alcade. Each introduces himself to the others,]
- Don Diego: Don Diego from San Fernando.
- Don Francisco: Don Francisco from San Jose.
- Don Fernando from San Diego: Don Fernando from San Diego.
- Don Jose: Don Jose from San Bernardino.
- Luis Obispo: Luis Obispo from Bakersfield.
- Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I'm Charlotte Taylor Wilson. I'm with the People's Independence Committee.
- Don Diego: Don Diego Vega. I'm with the greedy bloodsuckers.
- Esteban: What commands priests to wear such strange clothing?
- Bunny Wigglesworth: We are followers of Peter the Dressmaker. He was Christ's tailor.
- [last lines]
- Don Diego Vega: If I give my land to the people, where are we going to live?
- Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Boston!
- Don Diego Vega: Boston?
- Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Yes! It is the only civilized city. They have the best art, the best music...
- Don Diego Vega: You best music! You have to be kidding me! I was in Boston for a week, and I never heard a decent Mariachi playing in the city.
- Don Diego: [teasing Charlotte Taylor Wilson] Do you think you are helping the pipple by telling them they have an occent when they do not have an occent?
- Florinda: [regarding Esteban] Do you know he only makes love to me 12 times a year?
- Don Diego: Well, once a month is not so bad.
- Florinda: No, he makes love to me 12 times in one night and then, zip, nothing!
- Don Diego: Tell me, on that one night, does he eat anything special? Oysters? Raw eggs?
- Florinda: Garlic. A lot of garlic.
- Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You don't really believe the people are happy!
- Don Diego: All I know is the soldiers are quite happy shooting the people who say the people are not happy.
- Esteban: I have always depended on people being nicer than me, and I have never in my life been disappointed.
- [after spraining his ankle]
- Don Diego: My father would be very disappointed in me. To have come all this way and miss my destiny by... a foot.
- Florinda: [hiding in a box, where Esteban's angry sword thrust has just narrowly missed skewering her breasts] Thank goodness for small favors!
- Charlotte Taylor Wilson: How can there be two of you?
- Zorro: You always say, when the revolution came, there would be more for everyone.
- Don Fernando from San Diego: He wears clothes well. I could never get into his pants.
- Florinda: I bet I could.
- [Zorro has backed the evil soldier Garcia against a tree, and carved a 'Z' in the tree trunk above his head]
- Zorro: Does that not strike terror in your heart?
- Velasquez: No, Señor. B-but I'm new to the region!
- Zorro: You do not recognize and fear the sign, the mark... of El Zorro?
- Velasquez: [lifts up his eyepatch to look at it] I love it!
- [Diego is about to be shot]
- Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You're the bravest man I have ever met.
- Don Diego: I'm very impressed myself, too.
- Esteban: [threatening Charlotte Taylor Wilson with execution in order to lure and trap Zorro] Do you wish for a blindfold?
- Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No. The eyes of freedom will always see through the blindfolds of tyranny. And the bonds of oppression will always be broken with muscles of liberty.
- Narrator: [First lines] In the late part of the 18th century, the peasants of California were oppressed by tyrannical land owners. To protect the poor and downtrodden people, there emerged a mysterious swordsman who pledged his life in the service of justice. To the people, he was a great hero who would live forever in their hearts. To the landowners, however, he was a real pain in the ass. He was known only as... Zorro!
- Ramon Vega: There is e-somethin' wrong wid joo bowels
- [vowels]
- Ramon Vega: .
- Charlotte Taylor Wilson: My what?
- Ramon Vega: Joo bowels. Joo a's, joo e's joo i's, o's, u's.
- Zorro: You recognize that famous sign, eh?
- Old Man: Oh, yes, Señor. It is the number 2.
- Zorro: That is a not a 2! It is a Z!
- Old Man: Oh, if you say so, Señor. But in the school, that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a Two.
- Zorro: *I* say it is a *Z* - For El Zorro!
- Old Man: [kisses his boot] Zorro! Oh, thank God you're back!
- Zorro: Spread the news, that he is back! To help the helpless! To befriend the friendless! And to defeat... er, the "featless."
- Bunny Wigglesworth: [with un-painted side of face showing, speaking like a woman] Help! Help! The Alcalde has all my money!
- Bunny Wigglesworth: [turns around, with this side of face painted like Zorro, speaking very slowly and deeply] Have no fear, El Zorro is here!
- Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [Zorro about to be executed in her place] I have only one regret... that you will not live to see the glorious revolution that you have brought about...
- Zorro: [to himself] Why she don't say something like, "I'm going to love you forever"? Why she don't say that?
- Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I will love you forever!
- Don Diego: Bravo, my brother. You've really proven yourself tonight. Is there anything I can do to make you change your mind about staying?
- Bunny Wigglesworth: I'm afraid not. In two days from now, my ship sails for England. But tell Esteban that if he wants to keep in touch with me, tell him to write to 'Wiggy' of the Royal Navy based in Portsmouth. But only if he's serious.
- Ramon Vega: I say, I'd like my little soldier doll returned.
- Don Diego: You'd like what?
- Ramon Vega: Oh, come come, you remember the doll perfectly well. Blue button eyes, tall hat? We called him, Colonel Puff-Puff.
- Don Diego: Colonel Puff-Puff? I know you?
- Ramon Vega: Know me? Sink me! We we're once womb-mates.
- Don Diego: Womb-mates? Ramon? Ramon! Ramon, my brother's back! Ramon, I can't believe it. Ramon!
- Ramon Vega: Yes, I'd rather liked that, womb-mates. Yes yes, ha ha ha ha ha.
- Don Diego: After twenty years, I can't believe it! Ramon!
- Ramon Vega: Well, I was Ramon, twenty years ago, when father decided I wasn't quite masculine enough, so he shipped me off to sea in a British frigate. They say the navy makes men. Well, I'm living proof: they made me.
- Don Diego: Here, Paco, take the horse of my brother, pronto. You says you was Ramon? You no Ramon Viega no more?
- Ramon Vega: No no, I've disinherited that Latin tradition. I'm Bunny Wigglesworth, now.
- Don Diego: I can't believe it, my brother, you're so different!
- Ramon Vega: Yeah, well you're still the same, aren't you? Still tan, bland, and, uh...
- Don Diego: Romantic, huh?
- Ramon Vega: No, no, I was about to say, randy. How did you hurt your foot then? Falling off a tavern maid?
- Don Diego: No, I broke it fighting against tyrannies and injustices, for the trodden down peoples, and the little babies, and the...
- Ramon Vega: Well, I'm sure it's all quite an amusing little story, but I ought to freshen up and say 'Hi-ho' to the old gent! Tell me, is he still as loud as ever?
- Don Diego: No, for the last month he's been very... quiet...