Roller Blade

no, seriously, me and my friends have a list of the worst movies weve ever seen. #2 is a film called Cannibal Hookers(it sounds good but trust me its not). anyway Roller Blade ranks as #1 and i havent seen any of the sequels, but it disturbs me to learn that they exist.

I recently watched the low budget picture Roller Blade (1986) on Tubi. The storyline takes place in a futuristic, apocalyptic society where an evil dictator has taken over the land and needs a crystal to become invincible. The crystal is protected by roller blading nuns who are quick to aid a rebellion who wishes to overthrow the dictator.

This picture is directed by Donald G. Jackson (Hell comes to Frogtown) and stars Pat McClung, Suzanne Solari (Mulholland Falls), Jeff Hutchinson (Hell Comes to Frogtown), Katina Garner (Hollywood Horror House) and Michelle Bauer (Virgin High).

This picture was made on a $70,000 budget but does the best it can with what it had to work with. This is one of those movies that's genuinely so bad it's good. This movie has a ton of nudity and an absolutely gorgeous cast. The nude fights on rollerblades was awesome. Theres a legendary hot tub scene and the puppet was wild. The acting isn't good, and the dialogue is awful, but I could watch this movie 100 times.

In conclusion, Roller Blade is a disaster in just about every way...but I loved it. I would score this a 5/10 but still highly recommend it.

There are certain bad movies out there that everybody knows. People talk of "Plan Nine From Outer Space" or "Robot Monster" or more recent movies like "The Room" and "Birdemic: Shock and Terror". But this one is seemingly unknown by the majority of people and that's a shame because it's awful in such a good way.

The story, if you can call it that, takes place at some point in the future. There are no cars and the only way to get around is on roller skates. Not roller blades mind you, roller skates. The "blade" part deals with knives because people use them.

There's this doctor character with a mutant hand puppet that wants a magic crystal because something something rule the world. You know, typical bad guy stuff. But in his way are the Bod Sisters, a group of rollerskating nuns armed with knives. There's a sheriff of sorts who speaks in Elizabethan English or maybe it's supposed to be biblical, I'm not sure but it's a lot of "Yay verily" and stuff like that.

And then three of the Bod Sisters get naked in a pool and perform some ceremony in front of a glowing happy face. Why? I don't know. It's never really explained and they're never seen from again. I guess they wanted to up the sexy in this to maybe get more people to watch it?

Oh and everybody's voice is dubbed. It's like they got three or four people in the recording booth and just had them record everybody's lines.

It's a shame that this never got a DVD release because I know that I'd want a copy if for nothing else to put on my bad movie shelf. This really needs to be seen to be believed.

I saw this movie eons ago, probably shortly after it came out. And the only reason I'm here looking it up on IMDB is that I had to prove to myself that this movie really existed and wasn't a late-night hallucination from my drug-addled post-college daze. To be honest, finding out that it really DOES exist is MORE disturbing than the alternative. This was the most insanely bad movie I have ever seen, by far. I recall one of the post-apocalyptic characters wearing a re-purposed colander as a helmet. You know a film is low-budget when the costume designer was raiding the kitchen cabinet.

This movie would actually be worth seeing, or even owning, for one purpose: if your friends are ever talking about the worst movies they've ever seen, you can hear them out with a smug smile on your face and then say "You think you know bad movies? Watch this..." You'll blow 'em out of the water.

this movie is a triumph of modern cinema.

it should be shelved between fellini's "satyricon" and truffaut's "400 blows".

with such enduring characters as "Mother Speed" and "Helpless Victim," you can't help but fall in love with their plights, empathize with their struggle, and finally, come to a stunning conclusion with tears of great justice shining in your eyes.

and not only does it come with brilliant, multilayered characterization & pathos, but also contains astonishing and subtle hints of sociopolitical criticism: for example, the upside-down, spinning shopping cart? i can think of no better symbol to better criticize the gross materialism that humanity seems to have embraced!

everyone should see this movie -- no, film.

may you forever skate the paths of righteousness.