A Polish Vampire in Burbank

I was astounded to read somewhere that Mark Pirro did his film using super-8 mm film equipment! Wow! A true champion of the ultra-low-budget filmmaker! Of course, it also means the film is pretty grainy but if you're going straight to video, so what!

Unlike the other rancid cheese from the same (I hesitate to call them this) filmmakers, Queerwolf, A Polish Vampire in Burbank is worth watching for the "Judo for Jesus" sequence.

While I do love camp vampire movies, this flick is too lowbrow for camp. If you are looking for quality camp in a vampire flick, stick with Innocent Blood or Buffy, The Vampire Killer. But when you already have a sixpack in you and a have your cardboard silhouette of Joel and the robots situated in front of the TV screen and feel hungry for some truly stinky cheese, then A Polish Vampire in Burbank with its Judo for Jesus and The Vampire Hookers (absolutely dreadful, but the song during the credits is hilarious) is for you.

Some friends & I found "Polish Vampire" on the video shelves one night over ten years ago, and it's tribute to simplistic humor and silly sound effects inspired us to create a series of films ourselves - which, should any of us ever decide to run for congress, you'll no doubt see. I found a copy of "Polish Vampire" on E-Bay, got some of the old gang together and we laughed at the same jokes and silly sounds of Dupah's stomach growling. We abstained this time from making more films, but all decided that "Polish Vampire" is, like, comedy for the ageless, for sure.

A young polish vampire is taken out by his slut sister to finally penetrate a victim with his small fangs in California. A nonstop barrage of groan worthy puns, silly sight gags, and stupid little sound effects pummel the victim..umm..i mean viewer into submission. This film is simply awful, and at not even an hour and a half is STILL way too long. I found myself bored to tears. Even '80's ultra-nerd Eddie Deezen can't save this foolish film from crashing and burning. Falling to the trash heap of cinematic history. Some people may find this turd funny. I never wish to meet said people.

My Grade: D-

DVD Extras: Director's commentary; Mark Pirro bio; TV spots; 3 minutes of deleted scenes; 29 minute documentary; Teaser and full Trailer

It is appalling that such a cheap movie got a rating of 6.0. The budget for the movie couldn't have been more than $150 (and the producers more than likely took the cast out for dinner with the surplus). The sad thing is, if I saw it in the movie store, I'd probably rent it again, just to have a good time. Look for this one to be some sort of demented underground cult classic in the near future.