Carnage

Power-tools and tits: a classic combination of horror movie ingredients that, as far as I'm concerned, almost always guarantees a good time (I know, I know... I'm easily pleased). However, there are always exceptions to prove the rule, and, despite plenty of bare breasts and much DIY-appliance based violence, The Nail Gun Massacre bored the hell out of me.

Ineptly directed, poorly scripted and badly acted, this dreadful slasher-style effort sees a mysterious killer seeking revenge for a gang rape by using the titular tool to commit a series of murders. Looking laughable, rather than menacing, in a fetching camouflage jumpsuit and black motor-cycle helmet, our maniac somehow manages to stalk their prey unseen, before blasting them with a volley of nails. And for some inexplicable reason, the psycho also opts to talk in a strange, electronically modified Darth Vader style voice, making them seem even more absurd.

The cast recite their awful dialogue displaying zero acting ability, whilst co-directors Terry Lofton and Bill Leslie display a complete lack of skill behind the camera. Throw in some unconvincing and rather weak gore (let's face it, nails don't make a lot of mess: small puncture wounds with a trickle of blood), and what you have is an amateurish production that completely fails to capitalise on its sensational title.

"The Nail Gun Massacre" is everything it sounds like—a psychopath is roaming the backwoods of Texas with a souped-up nail gun, turning men and women into human pincushions. Could it be related to a brutal rape that occurred some six months prior? An obvious riff in title on "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" and boasting an opening rape scene unabashedly culled from "I Spit on Your Grave," "The Nail Gun Massacre" is an unabashedly derivative mid-80s riff on slasher conventions, pulled together on a shoestring budget.

As bad as it sounds, I feel that this film has gotten a lot of heat from web critics who aren't really taking it on its own terms—this is not Bergman, Tarkovsky, or Kubrick—it isn't high art. It's a film whose singular distinguishing element is that its killer's weapon of choice is a nail gun. My point being, "The Nail Gun Massacre" doesn't claim to be anything other than what it is, and most horror audiences (especially those who have a taste for these older exploitation films) should know this.

That aside, the film is not a technical masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination. The murder scenes are surprisingly better than one would expect given the shoestring budget, and never cease to be elaborate or grotesque. A pulsing synth score accompanies most of the scenes, and is admittedly a bit overbearing, while the killer hurls goofy one-liners at the victims in an inexplicable robot voice. The acting overall is bad, but passable by eighties slasher standards. Most of the men are buffoons, and the women prancing around naked. In spite of those caveats though, the film does capture the quiet backwoods of Texas rather effectively, and it is an extremely atmospheric film given all of its shortcomings. The photography of the woods captures a strange foreboding that, whether intentional or just a happy accident, is far more nuanced than anything else about the film.

All in all, "The Nail Gun Massacre" is, at least as far as eighties slashers go, not nearly as bad of a film as some may lead you to believe. It's schlocky, gratuitous, and at times badly acted, but isn't that what we love these films for? It at least has the distinguishing feature of a nail gun- obsessed killer, and it also excels at capturing the dreariness of sleepy backwoods Texas, which is more than one would necessarily expect. 5/10.

I have a special place in my heart for films such as this one, that place deep within me that embraces the horrible, terrible stupidity of low budget gore. If you share my love then, you will love Nail Gun Massacre, one of the only films made in Puerto Rico I have ever seen outside of sick pornography and made-for-TV movies. Most of the time the dialogue is barely audible, stifled by the inappropriate soundtrack or from the sound man (if there even was one) being too far from the characters. Luckily this movie does not rely on such paltry elements such as plot and writing. The plot (?) involves a rape of a local woman by construction workers and a mysterious killer seeking revenge with, you guessed it, a nail gun. As a special treat, the movie has a surprise ending of the true identity of the killer. If you can follow the events, you can probably pick out who could possibly be committing these murders from the three characters that are not busy getting nailed to the highway. Watch this movie if you don't really care about anything except the occasional crotch nailing and are willing to hit the fast forward button.

Every horror collector worth their salt will at least have heard of The Nail Gun Massacre. It's such a tempting title isn't it? I finally gave in and bought the special edition DVD. This film is one big mess from start to finish, but you already knew that. The most interesting thing in it was breasts, big huge breasts at that! One woman has breasts so big that they're all you (and the cameraman) can focus on. The biggest problem with Nail Gun Massacre is that you can't really hear what anyone is saying, making it hard to follow. Every time someone speaks there's a horrible noise that sounds like a passing train. Perhaps this was to cover the bad acting? If anything they should have removed it and let the actors do their thing, no matter how untalented they are. At least we can laugh at them then! The sound is atrocious, half the time the background noise is louder than what people are saying. You also can't hear the supposedly "funny" lines from the killer, as the voice is too distorted.

It does have it's good moments though. You can't help but laugh at such an inept film, with scenes such as a couple 'doing it' against a tree, where all you can see is the mans white ass jiggling around. The best part for me was when the killer says to the big breasted woman: "Get inside, big tits!" And there's another hilarious scene where a woman gets hysterical and says "I'm gonna die, I know I'm gonna die!" I would say the film was worth watching just for those two scenes!

For a low budget "so bad it's good" film, The Nail Gun Massacre is nothing special. There's other low budget films that are much funnier such as The Suckling and They Don't Cut The Grass Anymore (the acting is worse than Nail Gun Massacre, yet more hilarious).

Man, what would we do without ultra low budget Slasher flicks? "The Nail Gun Massacre" sounds as an obvious spoof to the great legendary "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" but no, Nail Gun tries too hard to be taken seriously. Sadly, with a budget of about $100, AWFUL acting, and poor direction you can't take it seriously. I watched this long time ago on USA NETWORK and I think I was lucky because many people say that it's pretty hard to find it nowadays.

Watch it for what it is, and you will at least watch it's complete running time.. If you're fan of cheap gore f/x and poor killing scenes you might enjoy it. But beware, the movie is very boring and there are no highlights except the opening scene.