Hell Squad

"Hell squad hell squad we're the best, don't ever put us to the test. We're a helluva of a fighting machine, we are tough and goddamn mean. The hell squad girls gotta lot of sass, if you mess with us we'll kick your ass." Uh, sure anytime.

You can actually start anywhere in the movie and start watching. I picked this point where they where matching and all had matching short-shorts with some type of beret and chanting the above ditty. After a few weeks each one is commando trained and an expert in their field, according to the recruiter.

The filmmakers had a great time making this thing. The only thing that it lacks was a group shower scene. Lots of Hollywood bunny "actors" from small town Idaho and New Jersey (probably). After trekking out with jeeps they kill a group of Arab soldiers, who can't fight, then they go back to the hotel and take another group bath. On and on it just never ends. Don't think we'll get a blue ray anytime soon.

I honestly wish I could say that I invited the juicy catchphrase of my review's subject line myself, but alas, I blatantly stole it from the back of the cover of the original Belgian VHS-release. Roughly translated the brief plot description on the box of the old video cassette that I own says: "This battalion of incredibly hot girls is on a top-secret and ultra-dangerous mission that will bring them BEHIND enemy lines and BETWEEN enemy sheets!". As a sucker for 80s trash/exploitation I simply had to see this film. Now, I personally think that the clichéd expression "so-bad-it's-good" is very much overused, but it is definitely the most apt description of Kenneth Hartford's "Hell Squad". The son of an American ambassador in the Middle-East is kidnapped by terrorists and they demand nuclear weapons in exchange for his release. Instead of looking for any kind of alternatives, the ambassador's personal assistant travels to Las Vegas all by himself and recruits a bunch of buxom strip dancers for a secret mission. Without knowing what purpose they'll serve, the girls follow an intense 10-day military training and then they are subsequently dropped in the desert. This really could have worked very efficiently as a sexploitation-spoof (or even a porn movie, perhaps) but the problem is that this film, and its entire cast and crew alike, take itself so damn seriously! Besides, the glorious description about the sheet and all isn't even true. The action sequences in "Hell Squad" are as follows: the women storm into a random enemy camp or underground lair, blow away all the evil Arabs and subsequently return to their luxurious hotel room where they all sit and relax in the jacuzzi together. Yes, apparently hotels in the Middle-East standard offer gigantic hot tubs in each room. You guessed it; a truly bad but unique film-experience!

Here's another so-bad-it's-good movie that's basically SHOWGIRLS meets THE DIRTY DOZEN. The son of a powerful diplomat is kidnapped by Middle Eastern terrorists, so what does the government do to get him back? They train a group of Vegas showgirls to be commandos to get him back! The filmmakers hope to gloss over the film's many faults (incredibly bad dialogue, boom mics in frame, wildly inconsistent photography, and a story that goes completely off the rails at the end) by filling the movie with scantily clad ladies in their finest 80s wear doing commando stuff. FUN FACT! The movie takes some truly bizarre turns in the final act because the screenwriter withheld the last part of the script from producer/director Kenneth Herts for lack of payment, so instead of paying him, Herts made up his own ending, which makes zero sense in the most hilarious sort of way.

Let's cut to the chase...."Hell Squad" is a horrible film and anyone who sees brilliance in it isn't to be trusted! The acting is horrible (beyond amateurish) and the writing and direction aren't much better. Now considering it was released by Cannon Films, this makes it easier to understand how it was released in the first place. The studio was responsible for an awful lot of crap in the 1980s....and they didn't try to be anything else other than a schlock studio...but it was, briefly, a very popular studio despite their low budgets and low production values. Clearly even for Cannon, "Hell Squad" is terrible!

The son of some American dignitary has been kidnapped by turban-wearing baddies. So, the embassy does exactly what you'd expect...they hire a group of showgirls to rescue him instead of giving these terrorists the plans to the new ultra-neutron bomb!! After a very brief training camp, these busty do-gooders spring into action....as, after all, who needs Special Forces or the Navy Seals?!

The film is simply terrible and I think the only appealing thing about it are the very gratuitous shots of nude and semi-nude woman. Surprisingly, the producers were actually able to get some amazingly pretty ladies for the film. But to me, watching the film STILL isn't worth it! Overall, a silly and craptastic movie....not among the very worst I've seen...but awfully close!

Movies like this give me a headache. Nine bubbly and not-so-bright Vegas show-girls are hired to train for 10 (count em), 10 days to become highly skilled, psuedo-military commandos and execute a top-secret operation in order to rescue an American Ambassador's whiney son. Their training consisted of a four obstacle obstacle course, rifle training with no, repeat, NO instruction on how to use the weapon, and one girl punching a board. Nothing else is even shown to be done, unless you count the "squad" of girls marching around the middle of the desert, chanting their patented cadence, or lounging in the officer's pool as training. Never before has someone's utter lack of desire to make a decent film ever been more showcased than in this movie. It is apparent the thought that T&A would carry this entire film was the motivation behind every scene of this movie. Every scene where the "hell squad" went into action was immediately followed by a scene of all the girls either naked or in their bathing suits. It is this genre of women exploitation which tries to hide behind the mask of "girls kick ass" that makes me shudder at the day they began selling movie cameras to anyone who walked in off the street. The world is in dire need of a written law to prevent any non-film maker from making a film. I swear to you, from the first 20 minutes on to the end of the movie, my jaw hung open in terror as I watched every film making sin take place before my eyes. This movie gave me a headache.

I own many original copies of a great number of the movies shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and this movie topples every one of them over. Still, it doesn't make it the worst movie I've ever seen, but it sits in a class of films that are harmful to open skin. Handle movie with care.

Scott's judgment: Set your dumbness filter on high while watching this movie