- Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from?
- Fletch: We play tennis at the club.
- Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really? California Racquet Club?
- Fletch: Right.
- Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.
- Fletch: Well, I haven't been playing in a while because of these kidney pains.
- Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you had these pains, Mr. Barber?
- Fletch: No, that's "Babar".
- Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two B's?
- Fletch: One B. B-A-B-A-R.
- Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.
- Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
- Dr. Joseph Dolan: Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
- Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.
- Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?
- Fletch: No elephant books.
- Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.
- Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
- Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was dying for years.
- Fletch: Sure, but... the end was very... very sudden.
- Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks.
- Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.
- [to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel]
- Fletch: Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.
- [Fletch has just been incarcerated by the chief of police]
- Fletch: Can't keep me here, chief.
- Chief Karlin: Maybe I'm not going to keep you in here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out.
- Fletch: Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but I do believe that's a violation of my rights.
- Gail Stanwyk: I'm very flattered, but I'm also very married. You are trying to hit on me, aren't you?
- Fletch: How did you guess? I'm such a heel. I don't know what came over me.
- Gail Stanwyk: If I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who tried to pick me up, I'd be a rich woman.
- Fletch: You are a rich woman.
- Gail Stanwyk: See what I mean?
- Fletch: Do you mind if I ask you a question?
- Gail Stanwyk: Depends on the question.
- Fletch: Want some more champagne?
- Gail Stanwyk: Yes.
- Fletch: Are you still in love with Alan?
- Gail Stanwyk: No! I mean, no, you can't ask me that question. Ask me another one.
- Fletch: Why'd you let me in?
- Gail Stanwyk: Um, because I'm bored.
- Fletch: If you're so bored, why didn't you go to Utah with Alan?
- Gail Stanwyk: Well, Utah's not exactly a cure for boredom.
- [Fletch is being interrogated by Chief Karlin and is giving him attitude]
- Chief Karlin: So, what's your name?
- Fletch: Fletch.
- Chief Karlin: Full name?
- Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch.
- Chief Karlin: I see, And what do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?
- Fletch: I'm a shepherd.
- Chief Karlin: [to the arresting officers] Officers, could you excuse us for a few moments?
- Fletch: Yeah, why don't you guys go down to the gym and pump each other.
- Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?
- Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.
- Fletch: I'm John.
- Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John.
- [they laugh]
- Gail Stanwyk: John who?
- Fletch: John Cocktoastin.
- Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name.
- Fletch: Well, it's Scotch/Romanian.
- Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination.
- Fletch: Yeah, well, so were my parents.
- Fletch: Hey! I think our problems may just be solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo-wee! Oh, boy, I lost. Yeah. Sorry.
- Fletch: You know, what tipped it for me was something your wife said while we were in bed together.
- Alan Stanwyk: Oh? And what was that?
- Fletch: Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build. From the waist up, I imagine.
- [driving away from police in car with startled teenager]
- Teenager: Are you a cop?
- Fletch: As far as you know.
- Teenager: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
- Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car?
- Teenager: I sure did.
- Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
- Fletch: Well, the traffic was murder, you know. One of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Godawful mess. You should see my shoes.
- Fletch: Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.
- Frank Walker: Who?
- Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a grey area.
- Frank Walker: How grey?
- Fletch: Charcoal.
- Waiter: Excuse me, Señor. You are a member of the club?
- Fletch: No, I'm not, I'm with the Underhills.
- Waiter: They already left, Señor.
- Fletch: It's all right, they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.
- Waiter: Would you like some drinks, Señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
- Fletch: Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please.
- Fletch: In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one to me.
- Fletch: You're serious.
- Chief Karlin: Ask anybody.
- Fletch: Can I ask someone right now?
- [looks out of cell]
- Fletch: How about my mom - can I call her right now?
- Chief Karlin: [waves gun and looks around] I guess not.
- Fletch: Frank, I need to go to Utah.
- Frank Walker: Utah?
- Fletch: Yeah, Utah. It's wedged in between Wyoming and Nevada. You've seen pictures of it, right?
- [Fletch has fainted]
- Records Nurse: Oh, Doctor, are you all right?
- Fletch: Where am I?
- Records Nurse: You're in the records room.
- Fletch: The records room? Oh, then I'm fine.
- Records Nurse: Can I get you something?
- Fletch: Yeah, do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there.
- Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?
- Gail Stanwyk: Alan's in Utah.
- Fletch: I... can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.
- Gail Stanwyk: I didn't know you knew the Underhills.
- Fletch: Yeah, well, I saved his life during the war.
- Gail Stanwyk: You were in the war?
- Fletch: No, he was. I got him out.
- Receptionist: May I help you Dr...?
- Fletch: Oh, it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.
- Receptionist: Dr. who?
- Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I'm here to get to the records room.
- Receptionist: What was that name again?
- Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.
- Receptionist: Dr. who?
- Fletch: Dr. Rosen. Where's the records room?
- Fletch: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't want to have to do this. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.
- Alan Stanwyk: You'll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?
- Fletch: I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.
- Gail Stanwyck: She looks like a hooker. Look at her. Look at her! Could you love someone who looked like that?
- Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
- [Corrupt police chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint]
- Fletch: Thank god, the... police.
- Detective #1: Got a gun, creep?
- Fletch: Shamu's got one, borrow his.
- Detective #1: [searching Fletch] What have we here?
- Fletch: That's my dick.
- Chief Karlin: [shoving Fletch into a wall] Dipshit! You go back on that goddamn beach and you won't live to regret it! All right?
- Fletch: [sees a picture on the wall] Hey, you and Tommy LaSorda!
- Chief Karlin: Yeah.
- Fletch: I hate Tommy LaSorda!
- [punches glass out of the picture frame]
- Alan Stanwyk: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.
- Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
- Alan Stanwyk: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.
- Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.
- Alan Stanwyk: One thousand just to listen? I don't see how you can pass that up, Mr...?
- Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.
- Fletch's girlfriend: [Fletch is listening to a tape of him and his girlfriend having sex] You're not recording this, are you?
- Fletch: No, never, never.
- [last lines]
- Fletch: [narrating] When it came to basketball Gail was a loss, but we had our own version of one-on-one and she thought I was the bravest guy in the world. Which, of course, I am. By the way, I charged the entire vacation to Mr. Underhill's American Express Card. Want the number?
- [after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door]
- Fletch: Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.
- Gail Stanwyk: What are you doing here?
- Fletch: I ordered some lunch.
- Gail Stanwyk: You ordered it here?
- Fletch: Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be.