Alien Warrior

imagine if you took the Christ myth, mixed it with a healthy dose of porn, against a backdrop of bad sci-fi blackxploitation(brotha from another planet like) throw in a dash of after school special, and lots of really bad kung fu fighting. oh and some decent break dancing. with an awesome casio keyboard soundtrack.

and some how they make this even worse than you could imagine. there are at least 4 rape scenes, at least one great car explosion, a buff black guy running around in his undies with an Uzi.

add alcohol and this is the perfect movie.

i mean lots and lots and lots of alcohol

Man, this has to be one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. If i was going to rate it as a serious movie I'd give it the lowest score possible, but if you pretend that it's a comedy/parody its a clear 10! Hahaha, I can't remember the last time I laughed so much because a movie was BAD! Go see it now!

I was in this movie back in the 80's as a teenager. It still haunts me today 25 years later. I was one of those black pimps the alien saved! Yes, it is true! Today, my life is full of alien thoughts of going back to the dark alley streets and saving the prostitutes and change the world one pimp at a time! Yes, I was......

What a load of crap! Just like this movie: crap! I did see it in the 80's and remember it somewhat. Not long ago I thought about the worst movies I've seen and this has to be at the top. If you want to laugh, cry, and celebrate all during a movie, don't see this. Watch The Last Airbender. No, avoid that one too!

First off, the alien saves a little black boy as well as a Mexican, despite what the IMDb plot summary suggests. This film is the fulfillment of the purest of male fantsies, interracial rape. The main character in this film is a George Michaelesque dope, who doesn't understand primal human urges like drug abuse and murder. In fact, every time he uses violence to solve a problem he has an internal conflict that physically hinders him. What a square. In any case, my favorite scene is when he writes the gang members a letter stating if they want the 500 bucks they get from the Reading Center for protection they must meet with him. At the meeting he is surrounded by countless Chicano gangsters, but he keeps a cool head. In slow motion, he punches the wooden post of a stop sign that shatters upon contact. Then, still in slow motion, points at the leader of the gang and says, "Noooooooooooooooooooo, mooooooooooooore!" The gang members comply. Cool, right? The beauty of this film shows through in these simple solutions to social problems like prostitution and gang violence.

This film almost gave me a nervous breakdown. When I was recovering from appendicitis a few years ago, I had just started teaching in secondary (high) school. The whole teaching business was all a bit nervewracking for a beginner, but to mentally prepare myself for going back into the classroom I decided to watch some rather awful films. The Flintstones was one of the films that I chose, and then I put "King Of The Streets" (the UK title of 'Alien Warrior') on. Just before it finished I found myself almost in tears at the sheer waste of it all...my life, the film stock, the £2 I had paid for it a couple of weeks ago in the Blockbuster ex rental section, the time it must have taken to print the sleeve art, the effort of the editors and musicians involved in the soundtrack (as negligable as their efforts were)...the list goes on.

I love bad films. Let me make this perfectly clear - I LOVE watching crappy films from Blockbusters. Me and my mate Dan used to sit and watch many, many cheapjack horrors and laugh at them. But this was a different type of crappy film. I don't think that anything has come close to this, not even Tobe Hooper's "Death Trap" (which is probably my second worst film in the world). The whole making a car from abandoned parts section nearly killed me; the repetition of music at any available opportunity, regardless of on-screen events; the whole.... AAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! I can't even carry on with this 'critical' dissection, as my gag reflex has started. The futility of that film, even now, three years after I watched it for the first and last time, still renders me speechless (but I am still able to type). The whole "making a car from odd parts" section had me contemplating horrible things.

I implore you, if you are interested in watching this film, just gaze at the cover of the video and imagine the worst possible version of the story synopsis on the back. I can almost guarantee that it won't be even half as bad as this film actually is. Don't, under any circumstances, contemplate actually watching it for any reason whatsoever. Not if you are a Christian and you want to see a Christ allegory; not if you are a bad movie afictionado and you want to experience the true nadir of trash; not even if you want your life to seem longer (and believe me, every second that this film runs seems like at least a minute). Make no mistake about it, this film is unholy. It is the antichrist in video form. As Bo Cattlett in Get Shorty said: "I've seen better film on teeth".