Alien Warrior

"Alien Warrior" or "King of the Street" is one hell of a bizarre film, that is very tedious, strange and feels like it is never going to end. Which is weird, because there is plenty of action; shoot-outs galore, pimp-walking, pimp-talking, pimp-stomping and pimp-slapping! This madness would be best described as the concoction you would get if you crossed "Jesus Christ Superstar" with "Taxi Driver", and with a strong dosage of "E.T. the Extra-terrestrial". It's extremely cheap and was filmed on the mean streets of Skid Row, LA, which was so bad at the time that they allegedly had to hire security to protect the cast and crew while filming. It wasn't worth it, because this is a right turkey of a film. The concept is strange, I'll give it that, but it is also unbelievably stupid, irritating and goes absolutely nowhere. As expected, the acting is quite bad and so is just about everything else. But the dull and repetitive script is what kills it completely.

An alien from a race that is not much different to humans is sent down to Earth to do away with the Great Evil that has plagued the planet, not unlike the exploits of Jesus Christ (He even looks a bit like the typical depiction of Christ). When he lands on Earth (in LA's skid row, of all places) he stops a woman being gang-raped by a gang of Latinos, and from there, he implores people to take him to "Great Evil". The rest of the film sees a lot of the aforementioned 'pimping' as gold-toothed, fur-coated, cane-toting gangster pimps fight one another on the streets, and our Alien Warrior finds refuge in an old library and starts to bully gang-bangers into learning how to read... Yes, you read that correctly. Welcome to the madness that is "Alien Warrior".

This film almost gave me a nervous breakdown. When I was recovering from appendicitis a few years ago, I had just started teaching in secondary (high) school. The whole teaching business was all a bit nervewracking for a beginner, but to mentally prepare myself for going back into the classroom I decided to watch some rather awful films. The Flintstones was one of the films that I chose, and then I put "King Of The Streets" (the UK title of 'Alien Warrior') on. Just before it finished I found myself almost in tears at the sheer waste of it all...my life, the film stock, the £2 I had paid for it a couple of weeks ago in the Blockbuster ex rental section, the time it must have taken to print the sleeve art, the effort of the editors and musicians involved in the soundtrack (as negligable as their efforts were)...the list goes on.

I love bad films. Let me make this perfectly clear - I LOVE watching crappy films from Blockbusters. Me and my mate Dan used to sit and watch many, many cheapjack horrors and laugh at them. But this was a different type of crappy film. I don't think that anything has come close to this, not even Tobe Hooper's "Death Trap" (which is probably my second worst film in the world). The whole making a car from abandoned parts section nearly killed me; the repetition of music at any available opportunity, regardless of on-screen events; the whole.... AAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! I can't even carry on with this 'critical' dissection, as my gag reflex has started. The futility of that film, even now, three years after I watched it for the first and last time, still renders me speechless (but I am still able to type). The whole "making a car from odd parts" section had me contemplating horrible things.

I implore you, if you are interested in watching this film, just gaze at the cover of the video and imagine the worst possible version of the story synopsis on the back. I can almost guarantee that it won't be even half as bad as this film actually is. Don't, under any circumstances, contemplate actually watching it for any reason whatsoever. Not if you are a Christian and you want to see a Christ allegory; not if you are a bad movie afictionado and you want to experience the true nadir of trash; not even if you want your life to seem longer (and believe me, every second that this film runs seems like at least a minute). Make no mistake about it, this film is unholy. It is the antichrist in video form. As Bo Cattlett in Get Shorty said: "I've seen better film on teeth".

First off, the alien saves a little black boy as well as a Mexican, despite what the IMDb plot summary suggests. This film is the fulfillment of the purest of male fantsies, interracial rape. The main character in this film is a George Michaelesque dope, who doesn't understand primal human urges like drug abuse and murder. In fact, every time he uses violence to solve a problem he has an internal conflict that physically hinders him. What a square. In any case, my favorite scene is when he writes the gang members a letter stating if they want the 500 bucks they get from the Reading Center for protection they must meet with him. At the meeting he is surrounded by countless Chicano gangsters, but he keeps a cool head. In slow motion, he punches the wooden post of a stop sign that shatters upon contact. Then, still in slow motion, points at the leader of the gang and says, "Noooooooooooooooooooo, mooooooooooooore!" The gang members comply. Cool, right? The beauty of this film shows through in these simple solutions to social problems like prostitution and gang violence.

Alien Warrior (or King of The Streets) is one of those 80s gems you stumble across by mistake, then watch awestruck, marveling at how wonderfully silly and over the top it gets.

A rather hunky alien arrives on earth (LA to be exact) and stumbles into a world of drug dealers, gangs, and corrupt cops. He falls in love with the flaxen haired, beautiful teacher who only wants to help inner-city kids read more. He also manages to anger a coke-snorting drug kingpin who vows to destroy him.

I fell in love with this film at first viewing... sure it's hokey, silly and low-budget. But you can tell the filmmakers had their heart in the right place, and damn if the thing doesn't work! I only pray it'll be on DVD soon.

It's got a hot soundtrack, break-dancing, violence, nudity.... all with a positive, wholesome message! See it.

Man, this has to be one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. If i was going to rate it as a serious movie I'd give it the lowest score possible, but if you pretend that it's a comedy/parody its a clear 10! Hahaha, I can't remember the last time I laughed so much because a movie was BAD! Go see it now!