- Rose: I don't think lying is really a good idea. I once cut school and that proved very bad.
- Dorothy: Oh, Rose. We've all cut school. It couldn't have been that bad.
- Rose: Oh, yes it was. That was the day they taught EVERYTHING.
- Dorothy: The final piece of the puzzle.
- Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.
- Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.
- [after a leaky night, Rose comes out of her room carrying a bucket]
- Dorothy: Aw, Rose, did you have a leak in your room too?
- Rose: No, Dorothy. I was just milking the cow I keep in my closet. Wow, with only three hours of sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!
- [Blanche commenting on her brother's lifestyle]
- Blanche: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
- Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this "gay thing" yet, have you, Blanche?
- Blanche: Well there must be homosexuals who date women.
- Sophia: Yeah. They're called lesbians.
- Dorothy: Rose, I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties?
- Rose: You don't understand. Everyone likes me-I'm the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I'm the nice one! EVERYBODY likes me!
- Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.
- Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
- Dorothy: Better than anyone I know.
- Blanche: What was your first impression of me?
- Rose: I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was wrong. You don't wear too much makeup.
- Rose: My mother always used to say: "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."
- Rose: Well, I'm here if you want to pick my brain.
- Dorothy: Rose, honey. Maybe we should leave it alone and let it heal.
- Sophia: Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got good sense, and you know what you're doing.
- Rose: Oh, Sophia.
- Sophia: Blanche, you're a slut.
- Blanche: Oh, Sophia.
- [on being compared to Charlie's Angels]
- Blanche: I was once told I bore a striking resemblance to Cheryl Ladd... but my bosoms are perkier.
- Dorothy: Not even if you were hanging upside-down from a trapeze!
- [Discussing a bad actress who played Anne Frank in a community theater play]
- Dorothy: I mean, for the entire second act, the audience kept yelling, "She's in the attic, she's in the attic!"
- [Rose and Dorothy are attempting to move a new toilet into the bathroom]
- Rose: Oh, don't give up, Dorothy. If the ancient Egyptians could move twenty ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.
- Dorothy: Fine, Rose. Get me twenty thousand Hebrews and I'll see what I can do.
- Dorothy: We're here to pay for a funeral.
- Mr. Pfeiffer: Oh, isn't that nice, the three of you planning ahead for mother.
- Sophia: [walks a little bit closer] Hey Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?
- Blanche: You know what I hate doing most after a party?
- Rose: Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?
- Blanche: I do love the rain so. It reminds me of my first kiss.
- Dorothy: Ah, your first kiss was in the rain?
- Blanche: No, it was in the shower.
- Dorothy: [impressed with some advice from Blanche] Blanche, you'd have made a great psychologist.
- Sophia: Way to go pussycat. Give Blanche an office with a couch and a license to charge by the hour!
- Blanche: No, no, no please. I cannot bear that again. She was listening to her car radio, Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number and a dime in a door handle, then Bim Bam Boosh, won the tickets.
- Dorothy: Take a lesson Rose. That's how you tell a story.
- Rose: Now, I know no one wants to hear any of my stories right now...
- Dorothy: That's always a safe bet, Rose.
- Rose: ...but you need to hear about my cousin Ingmar. He was different. He used to do bird imitations.
- Blanche: Well, what's wrong with that?
- Rose: Well, let's just say you wouldn't want to park your car under their oak tree.
- Blanche: This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
- Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?
- Rose: This reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf.
- Dorothy: Oh, Rose, stop! Rose, why is it that every time one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is "Back in St. Olaf?" I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe we're tired of hearing "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf!"
- Rose: Gee, no, I... I'm sorry.
- Dorothy: Oh... that's okay.
- Rose: [pauses for a moment to rethink her approach] Back in that town whose name you're tired of hearing...
- Dorothy: ROSE!
- [Sophia arrives from the rest home by taxi]
- Rose: You must be tired after your cab trip.
- Sophia: Why? I RODE in the cab! I didn't push it!
- Rose: [Rose is checking Sophia into the hospital] Name?
- Sophia: Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.
- Rose: Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.
- Blanche: [referring to her brother and his lover visiting] My goodness, what would the neighbors think if they saw two men lying in my bed?
- Sophia: They'd think it's Tuesday!
- Blanche: Well, just tell him you have a lot of work at home.
- Rose: I don't want to lie.
- Blanche: When you get home, we'll make you clean out the garage.
- Rose: Oh thanks, I owe you big for this one.
- Rose: You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die.
- Stan: Hello Sophia, you're looking younger every day.
- Sophia: Hi Stan, and that's a beautiful toupee you're wearing. Great, now we're both liars.
- [Rose and Dorothy confront Blanche about sleeping with Gil Kessler, Rose says to Blanche regarding the newspaper article]
- Rose: Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in a building 10 blocks away?
- Dorothy: [Holding her head] Rose, that was an article about an earthquake in GUATEMALA.
- [Sophia wants a new TV, but Dorothy plans to use the money to pave the driveway over]
- Sophia: And what will I do when every other old lady on the block is watching The Cosby Show?
- Dorothy: Well, ma, I guess you can sit on the new driveway and hope an amusing black family comes along.
- Dorothy: [Sophia is busily cooking] Ma, what are you doing? You're supposed to be resting. Remember what the doctor said?
- Sophia: Dorothy, I'm feeling anxious. And when I feel anxious, there's only one thing that calms me down.
- Dorothy: I know, Ma. Cooking a big meal.
- Sophia: No, making hot naked love in a closet. But hey, you do what you can.
- Rebecca: I'm havin' this baby in a birthin' center. They emphasize natural childbirth without any painkillers.
- Blanche: Honey, I know I told you where babies come from, but did I ever mention where they come OUT?
- Dorothy: What are you trying to say, Rose? Weddings make you HOT?
- Rose: YES!
- Blanche: The Great Herring War?
- Rose: Between the Lindstroms and the Johannsens.
- Dorothy: Oh, THAT Great Herring War.
- Rose: You know, I've been thinking...
- Blanche: Oh, that would explain the beads of sweat.
- Blanche: Dorothy, where's my heating pad?
- Dorothy: [laying on sofa under a blanket] How should I know?
- Blanche: [pulling electric cord from under blanket] If this isn't it I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.
- Blanche: Can you believe it? After four long years, my baby girl is finally coming to see me. I'm so happy, I could cry.
- Rose: But Blanche, you *are* crying!
- Dorothy: Admit it, Rose, you worked for Allied Intelligence during World War II.
- Rose: Huh?
- Dorothy: Fine. Play it cagey.
- Dorothy: Blanche, have you heard of the latest campaigns? "Join the navy, see the world... sleep with Blanche Devereaux"? "Join the army, be all you can be... sleep with Blanche Devereaux"?
- [getting angry]
- Dorothy: "The marines are looking for a few good men who have *not* slept with Blanche Devereaux"!
- Sophia: Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.
- Dorothy: I'm so sorry. What happened?
- Sophia: [sarcastically] She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.
- [agitated]
- Sophia: SHE WAS 88!
- Rose: Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.
- [the girls are watching Dorothy and Trudy arm wrestle. Trudy wins]
- Trudy: Well, that's that. How does it feel to have your butt whipped?
- Blanche: Well, sometimes I find it strangely titillating, but... oh. You were talking to her.
- Dorothy: When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who's 80, chances are she is not after his body.
- [Dorothy, becoming fed up by a clown at a kiddie party, is ready to deck him with a pie]
- Clown: Before you do that, you should know that Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer. Besides, that wouldn't be a very grown up thing to do.
- Dorothy: [defeated] No. You're right. I couldn't.
- Bobby (6 years old): Mr. Ha Ha.
- Clown: Yes Bobby?
- [Clown turns around. Bobby smashes a pie into his face]
- Bobby (6 years old): Happy Birthday, Dorothy.
- Rose: Here you are, Sophia. The perfect after-dinner treat, a nice dish of Jell-O.
- Sophia: I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.
- [Blanche asks the rest of the girls if there was ever a time when a man didn't sleep with them]
- Rose: I have a story to end all stories about when someone wouldn't sleep with me.
- Blanche: Ok Honey, but PLEASE keep it in ten words or less.
- Rose: OK. I will.
- Dorothy: Ok then Rose, let's hear it. In ten words or less, when did a man not sleep with you?
- Rose: The time I was radioactive.
- Sophia: I need the money for my old age.
- Dorothy: Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore.
- Sophia: Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.
- Rose: Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?
- Sophia: Excuse me Rose, but I haven't had sex in fifteen years and its starting to get on my nerves.
- Blanche: Girls have you ever heard of something called dirty dancing?
- Dorothy: Of course Blanche, they did it in that movie!
- Rose: What movie?
- Rose: Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.
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