Danger - Keine Zeit zum Sterben

Awful dialog, a plot that makes no sense, speeded-up car chases, gratuitous explosions, paper-cutout characters (not substantial enough to be cardboard). A German-Indonesian co-production in which the actors speak whatever language suited them, and then all the voices were badly dubbed at the end.

Nothing about this film appears credible; you may find it unintentionally hilarious, or you may just wonder why they (and you) bothered.

This action film concerning the transport of a laser gun talks itself to death. Crew and cast both show signs that they were caught in the Indonesian heat: the stunts and special effects are bad; whether a good guy or a bad guy, everybody's acting is bad ; there is no decent story; Ashley's directing is hopeless. The film is beaming something conceited like "what you can do in Hollywood, we can do at least as good", but of course the makers were wrong, they simply lacked the talent. They should have used the laser beam to obliterate this film.

I was travelling in Indonesia in 1984 and got picked up as an extra for a day, filming some of the chases between the two jeeps near Bogor. I've only seen a rough copied version of the film from German TV, but I don't think my scenes made it. I was 19, got paid US$15 plus lunch, and it was great fun! I had to wear a checked shirt and had my hair blackened and plastered down. I had thought I would be one of many extras, but when I turned up outside the backpackers that morning I was the only one. They then checked I could drive, and I was told to drive the jeep at about 70kph up a hill outside Bogor. That turned out to be very fast, so we had to do it again. I often wondered what happened to the film, and then one day found it accidentally browsing this site.

I'm a big fan of b-movies and can forgive a lot of mistakes when the movie is othwerwise unique, funny, memorable, bizarre, or an obvious labor of love. Sadly this movie has almost none of those qualities. Instead it presents a series of unengaging conversations (the English dubbing doesn't even help to entertain) that lead up to an uneventful drive through the Indonesian jungle. Unlike so many other jungle treks this journey provides almost nothing useful in regards to exciting action, interesting dialog or memorable character development. Instead of being a unique and noteworthy product of it's time, "No Time to Die" offers none of the elements that made it's contemporaries (among others "Lady Terminator" and "The Devil's Sword") so successful. It lacks the brutal action of Lady Terminator or the over the top energy of "The Devil's Sword". The only noteworthy scenes are a surprisingly good motorcycle stunt in the first 10 minutes of the movie and a rather well shot scene where the heroes must drive over a perilously decayed bridge. Unless you are a truly dedicated fan of 1980's Indonesian movies I would strongly suggest you pass on this one.

This is probably the most boring, predictable, cliché-ridden action pic of all time. Let's tick off the familiar details:

* Smart-ass hero who has a quip for every occasion, unfortunately coming across as a total jerk to the audience.

* Blonde babe who starts off being a strong independent woman not needing a bloke, but finally is saved and falls in love with The Jerk.

* A loving brother of The Jerk who teams up with him for a mission, but is sadly killed (usually accompanied by a shrill NNNNNOOOOO!!).

* A huge weapon owned by the bad guys (say, a laser) which looks like it was assembled on Blue Peter with sellotape and used toilet rolls. This is A THREAT TO THE FREE WORLD AND MUST BE STOPPED.

* You'd think with THE FREE WORLD on offer, the bad guys would hire people who could shoot straight. Sadly, even at point blank range, they fail to even scratch The Jerk and The Blonde. Are we surprised?

* Explosions which resemble the aftermath of a particularly spicy vindaloo than huge bombs being detonated. They usually set a couple of stuntmen alight, who put themselves out by jumping into a convenient lake. DO YOU SEE?!

* So-called 'hilarious' buddy talk between The Jerk and his mates that reads like it was written by a 18 year old college dropout while sitting on the toilet (example: after the above stuntman emerges from the lake, The Jerk comments "Well, guess his ass is toast!!" Ho ho).

* A lead villain who spends more time in bed with his collection of exotic ladies and styling his hair than getting involved in the dirty work of stopping our heroes. With such casual laziness. It's amazing that he's in the position he is.

* A compulsory nude scene with one of the above exotic ladies showing off her butt and boobies when getting out of bed. What about The Blonde? Don't be silly.. she's FAR too refined to exploit herself like that. Might have helped her acting career though..

* A MASSIVE final action climax with guns a-blazing, bullets a-flying and fists a-swinging.. is not in this film. A suffocation, a kiss, and that's yer lot. Yep, the best cliché of this genre is the one this movie strenuously avoids. Shame that..

Basically, its not very good. Now pass me the award for 'understatement of the year'. While I practise my acceptance speech, I'll inform you that I give it 2/10. That's it. Now, get lost.