- Tony: Hey look at this nose. I fractured this nose three times and I can still smell.
- Samantha Micelli: Yeah! I broke my finger twice and I can still dial.
- Mona Robinson: I once fractured my pelvis.
- Tony: Yeah, and she can still walk.
- Mona Robinson: [when Frankie Fitzgerald tries to out bid her daughter to purchase Tony as part of a neighbourhood auction] Angela, I know what's good for you... Buy him!
- Samantha Micelli: Now dad remember. Smile, be polite, and whatever you do don't tell the pig joke.
- Tony: That one is the real ice breaker.
- Angela: Well, we got on a plane you know swish, swoosh.
- Tony: Yeah, well, it sounds like something happened in between the swish and the swoosh.
- Angela: Well, we went to Las Vegas, and we got married but I thought we got the marriage annulled the next day?
- Angela's first Husband: No. These are just the papers that divided up the garbage collection. Angela, we're still married.
- Mona Robinson: [bursts into laughter] And to think all of this time that you were married to Michael you were a bigamist.