- Brian Walden: [Interviewing Tony Blair] Mr. Blair I put it to you if you were Prime Minister, if you are Prime Minister, what would you do?
- Tony Blair: Well under a Labour govermont of course, we would spend money on education, the health service and roads. We will also charge less money for tax and that is what the Labour Party is all about
- Brian Walden: A nice decision but how will you pay for it?
- Tony Blair: Well it will be a happy society, where pensioners are paid more, benefits are higer and we will be shinny happy people holding hand and that is what the Labour Party is all about.
- Brian Walden: Mr. Blair, I must insist how will you pay for it?
- Tony Blair: Well it will be a land of Milk and Honey, where there will be trees of plenty and a garden of paradise and that is what the Labour Party is all about.
- Brian Walden: PAY FOR IT WILL YOU HOW?
- Tony Blair: Oh, well that's an interesting question Brian there is a lot of ways we can find the money.
- Brian Walden: How?
- Tony Blair: Well we can look down the sofa for a start.
- Brian Walden: Mr. Blair I put it to you that you have nothing to back up your policies?
- Tony Blair: Well it is funny you should ask that Brian, because having nothing to back up your policies thats is...
- Brian Walden: What the Labour Party is all about.
- Tony Blair: Exactly... No!
- Paul McCartney: War is Horrible/ I love Lin-da/ Black people are the same as White People/ Except they're Black/ Let's all go and live in Scotland/ Singing La-la-la-la-la-lack.
- Michael Fish: Hullooo. The weather forecast tonight is going to be Wrong.
- Prince Charles: [on the phone] Hello, Spike
- [Milligan]
- Prince Charles: ? About you calling me a "grovelling little bastard". That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me!
- Des Lynam: Welcome to "How do they do that?" where we ask the question: Women who've slept with David Mellor... How do they do that?
- John Major: My Father was in the Circus, you know.
- Alistair Burnett: [end of program] And now, back to the puppets...
- Queen Mother: Oh, you were lucky if you could get cheese in my day! You had to make do with a blanket folded sides-to-mittle!
- Prince Philip: I'll sides-to-middle her in a minute!
- Prince Philip: [Royal Variety Show] I hate the theatre! There's always some dreadful old man explaining what's happening to his family...
- Weatherman: Hello! And let's have a look at a long range forecast: By the middle of the next century, it's going to be very very wet, just about everywhere, except of the top of Ben Nevis, which will be very very clouded. Hello!
- OJ: [Scott Report] It's the biggest miscarriage of Justice since, er... er...
- John Major: The last one?
- Voice Over: And now it's time for... The Mellorphant Man!
- David Mellor: I'm not an Animal!
- [Snivel]
- David Mellor: I'm a Human Being!
- Bernard Levin: A man in his pyjamas has gone in there with him, and I think I need say no more about it than that!
- Jonathan Miller: Indeed!
- Nigel Kennedy: Osh, Bosh, Twiddle Fiddle, Dosh!
- Jeremy Paxman: Do you live in Weston-Super-Mare? Well, now you've got two reasons to be sad...
- Penguin: Bloody Norweigians...
- Noel Gallagher: Haven't you heard this song before?
- David Attenborough: Stop! We haven't passed the nine o' clock watershed.
- Lion: But we're Lions! That's what we do, we Shag and Eat, we Eat and Shag!
- Singer: Essex, Essex, Essex is crap it's a boil on the bum of the nation! Essex, Essex, Essex is crap it's an absolute abomination!
- John Gielgud: Larry. Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry.
- Laurence Olivier: Johnny. Dear, dear, dear, dear Johnny...
- Singer: We're glad not to be gay! Though being gay is really okay. Though it's clear some people fear it'll screw their career.
- Judge: But I didn't ask to be assaulted!
- Copper: Sorry, M'lud, but I'm no Angel myself.
- Intrepid Explorer: I know a guy who got a job straight after leaving school, but I've never met a nice South African!
- News reader: Somebody Famous has died. We will now see a montage of fawning celebrities who didn't have a good word for him while he was alive. And a Documentary showing him so full of life, as opposed to so full of embalming fluid. The scheduled showing of Quincy will be cancelled. Unless it was Quincy who died...
- Waiter: What about the vegetables?
- Margaret Thatcher: They'll have the same as me.
- News reader: What's the next song going to be like?
- Singer: The last one!
- Bjork: We're singing Cobblers, COBBLERS!
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