Les diamants du Kilimanjaro

A group of adventurers travel to the 'dark continent' to try and locate a lost heiress named Diana, who disappeared years before in a plane crash, and who is now believed to be living with a savage tribe that consider her to be their goddess.

Once again, my search for sleazy, European cannibal movies has taken me deep into Jess Franco territory—a seemingly endless cinematic wilderness swarming with sub-par scriptwriting, crawling with crap camera-work, and abundant with awful acting (Franco regular Lina Romay taking the prize this time for her pitiful performance as an ailing, elderly woman). It is here, in this hellish place, that I finally stumbled upon Diamonds of Kilimanjaro, an abysmal jungle-based exploitationer so stupefyingly bad that it took me three successive evenings to finish watching it.

Tawdry and unrelentingly dull, even by Franco's standards, this wearisome piece of trash fails on almost every level: the story is a dreadfully dull derivative of Edgar Rice Burrough's Tarzan, albeit with a feminine twist; the film appears to have been filmed in the local botanical gardens, although grainy stock footage is poorly integrated into the film in a pointless effort to convince viewers that the action is really taking place in Africa; and the death scenes are virtually bloodless (Franco can usually be relied upon for some splatter, but despite initial appearances, this isn't a cannibal movie and it isn't that gory).

Where the director does succeed, however, is in his casting of sexy young Katja Bienert as jungle jail-bait Diana. Running and leaping through the undergrowth in nothing but a skimpy loin-cloth, her curvaceous bod belying the fact that she was only sixteen at the time, this nubile beauty makes quite an impression. Franco also throws in some further nudity courtesy of Mari Carmen Nieto as treacherous traveller Lita (who gives us a glimpse of her untamed regions), and Aline Mess as topless warrior woman Noba, thus narrowly avoiding getting yet another rating of 1/10 from me (although I'm sure he'll be receiving plenty more in the future—I have loads of his films yet to see).

Diamonds of Kilimandjaro (1983)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

A plane crashes in the jungles of Africa and a little girl survives. Fifteen years later her mother (Lina Romay) sends a search party out looking for her but they've also got their eyes on some priceless jewels. I enjoy these jungle adventure films but this one here dies off after a decent start. There are a few good moments but not enough to really keep the film moving as well as it should. I've heard that Franco didn't shoot all of the material here but it certainly looks like his work.

Ummm. A Jess Franco-movie from the early 80's. So what would you expect? Right: actors incapable of acting, incredibly dumb dialogue and a whole lot of joyful nudity (and downright disgusting sex scenes with totally unattractive guys and girls). Which I regard as absolutely worthwhile and entertaining - but that's just my personal opinion. The story? Story?? oh, well, it's kind of a remake of TARZAN, plus some adventure- and cannibal-stuff. But basically it's about seeing Katja Bienert nude, and it works when it comes down to that. Just realize: she was about 15 or 16 when this film was made, and she was really not very shy. Anyway: go get this one if you're able to find it, but be prepared to feel the urge to throw it in the garbage can once you've seen it. P.S.: This film has been re-issued in 1999 by the german label X-RATED CULT MOVIES, but with a different title: MONDO CANNIBALE 4. Obviously for marketing-reasons. Cause you'd better not expect to watch one of the infamous Euro-Cannibal-flics when you put this in. Franco has done better than this. Katja Bienert has, too. But the jungle has never looked more corny. So ... you get the idea. I like it.

Good old Jess Franco! The always-reliable choice of director in case you're looking for undemanding sleaze, shameless exploitation and 200% gratuitousness. Jess once again really surpassed himself with this utterly trashy piece of jungle "adventure". Let's face it, this film is basically just an excuse to have the ravishingly hot (and underage…) actress Katja Bienert parade around topless. It's actually a rather disturbing thought that an innocent 16-year-old girl had to walk around a film set naked in front of a whole crew and particularly before the gazing eyes of pervert Franco! And it wasn't even the first time, since the duo previously already made "Linda" together. Anyways, just in case you wondered: YES, "Diamonds of the Kilimanjaro" does have a plot, albeit a very imbecilic one. During the opening sequences a plane, carrying aboard a wealthy Scottish guy and a girl child, crash amidst an African tribe of vegetarian cannibals. I say vegetarian because they never at one point in the film so much even attempt to consume human flesh. The obnoxious Scot declares himself the Great White Leader and the girl grows up to become the beautiful and scarcely dressed White Goddess. Several years later an expedition reaches the middle of the jungle to get the girl back to civilization and – even more importantly - to steal some of the tribe's legendary diamonds. This could have been a compelling and action-packed adventure movie, but Jess Franco obviously couldn't be bothered. Why shoot jungle chase sequences or bloody cannibalistic rites when you can just as easily aim your camera at a hot young chick sitting naked in a tree? Most of the jungle settings simply appear to be filmed in someone's garden and there's a massive amount of clumsily edited National Geographic wildlife footage in order to fill up the gaps in continuity. The back of the DVD describes "Diamonds of the Kilimanjaro" as an ingenious, feminist and adult orientated version of Tarzan. Yeah right, they just put that sentence there because Katja Bienert's character swings from one tree to another using a a couple of times.

This film is a cheap rip off of King Solomon's Mines and "She." Those books have been done so much better in other films. But this one manages to grab all the tropes from those classics and trot them out in a cheaper version.

Do you want a native tribe protecting jewels Check Do you want a white woman as the tribe's goddess? Check Dp you want a native shaman dancing for the tribe Check Do you want stock footage of a jungle? Check Do you want women running around in skimpy loin cloths? Check.

And when it comes to continuity.... Well, I am sure the director would echo the classic line: "Continuity? Continuity? We don't need no stinking continuity".

So, for example, quick cut to a rhino chasing a jeep. Wait, we didn't get into the jeep yet. Film that. Now add the same cut of the rhino. Don't worry about the first one - no one will notice.

There is just so little to like about this movie.