Les diamants du Kilimanjaro

A group of adventurers travel to the 'dark continent' to try and locate a lost heiress named Diana, who disappeared years before in a plane crash, and who is now believed to be living with a savage tribe that consider her to be their goddess.

Once again, my search for sleazy, European cannibal movies has taken me deep into Jess Franco territory—a seemingly endless cinematic wilderness swarming with sub-par scriptwriting, crawling with crap camera-work, and abundant with awful acting (Franco regular Lina Romay taking the prize this time for her pitiful performance as an ailing, elderly woman). It is here, in this hellish place, that I finally stumbled upon Diamonds of Kilimanjaro, an abysmal jungle-based exploitationer so stupefyingly bad that it took me three successive evenings to finish watching it.

Tawdry and unrelentingly dull, even by Franco's standards, this wearisome piece of trash fails on almost every level: the story is a dreadfully dull derivative of Edgar Rice Burrough's Tarzan, albeit with a feminine twist; the film appears to have been filmed in the local botanical gardens, although grainy stock footage is poorly integrated into the film in a pointless effort to convince viewers that the action is really taking place in Africa; and the death scenes are virtually bloodless (Franco can usually be relied upon for some splatter, but despite initial appearances, this isn't a cannibal movie and it isn't that gory).

Where the director does succeed, however, is in his casting of sexy young Katja Bienert as jungle jail-bait Diana. Running and leaping through the undergrowth in nothing but a skimpy loin-cloth, her curvaceous bod belying the fact that she was only sixteen at the time, this nubile beauty makes quite an impression. Franco also throws in some further nudity courtesy of Mari Carmen Nieto as treacherous traveller Lita (who gives us a glimpse of her untamed regions), and Aline Mess as topless warrior woman Noba, thus narrowly avoiding getting yet another rating of 1/10 from me (although I'm sure he'll be receiving plenty more in the future—I have loads of his films yet to see).

Jesus Franco made many bad films, and some of the worst were the ones he did with the ultra-cheapskate French outfit Eurocine. This is probably the best of the a bad lot, but it IS a chance to see Franco regular Katja Beinert in a role that might actually be legal by US standards (some of his earlier films with her probably pushed even the much more liberal Continental European age-of-consent laws to the limit). I doubt this movie will appeal too much to the "barely legal" crowd though as Bienert seems to have sprung from the womb with a body that would put any 25-year-old woman to shame, and all she really does is wander around in nothing but a ridiculously low-riding loincloth for most of the film.

Biernert plays a female version of Tarzan who is adopted by a tribe of Africans along with her godfather after their plane crashes in the deep jungle. This tribe is so pathetic that they not only worship a teenage white girl as a goddess, but also make her drunken Scottish stereotype of a godfather their "Big White Chief". The one rebellious tribes-member meanwhile is about the same age as Beinert and looks like Lisa Bonet circa 1987. The "plot" begins when some mercenaries looking for the titular diamonds stumble across the barely-legal white jungle girl. They return with some of her relatives who are planning to kill her to get their hands on the inheritance of her sickly, dying mother (Lina Romay, in a highly unusual role given that it was the height of her hardcore porn career). It would have made a lot more sense to pay the mercenaries to just keep quiet, rather than to follow them into the jungle to kill the girl, but, oh well.

There is much less violence than the earlier Franco/Eurocine cannibal films. The only real sex scenes come courtesy of the luscious mistress (Maria Nieto) of one of Bienert's greedy relatives, who gets so turned on after being nearly eaten by stock footage of a crocodile while skinny-dipping that she drags one of the mercenaries (Anthony Mayans) into the weeds for some afternoon delight while Biernert's character curiously watches them. Mayans, playing the most out-of-shape mercenary in cinema history, later also takes a roll in the hay with the jungle girl but off-screen (probably a good thing as there are already WAY too many shots of his flabby ass in this movie).

This is not good by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a pretty harmless movie (aside from a couple sex scenes and National Geographic-style nudity, it could have gotten a PG rating in America). It has serviceable plot, occasional drama, and a setting that you can sometimes believe is NOT just a European zoo. And it's "Citizen Kane" compared to the other Franco film ("Golden Temple Amazons")it's paired up with in Shriek Show's new "Jungle Girls" box set.

Jess Franco makes exploitation films, and he has made tons of them. Franco is responsible for some of the most shocking films in cinema history, and god bless him for it. Unfortunately, The Diamonds of Kilominjaro is a truly awful movie that is not up to his usual standards.

Exploitation films should be judged on story, sex, and gore. What else is there? This film fails on most of those benchmarks. The plot is paper thin, placing a nubile young girl in the jungle among cannibals. We really don't get information on why she and her father were there in the first place. As expected, her father is the "Big White Chief" and she becomes a goddess, sitting in trees, naked. Add fortune hunters and precious stones, and you have your basic rescue the girl for greedy intentions plot line. The characters are stock, not adding an ounce of believability to the proceedings.

Gore? None, or at least very little. This film is often mentioned in the same vein as the classic Italian cannibal movies. Those seeking that type of gore need to run the other way. Save for one cheap be-heading, this movie features surprisingly little blood and guts.

As best I can tell the only reason this movie exists is so Katja Bienert, Aliene Mess, and Mari Carmen Neieto could run around naked. Actually "Lita" (Mari Carmen Neieto) does the full frontal heavy lifting, while the two jungle ladies are bare chested throughout. Yes, there are love scenes....probably the most sterile Franco has ever supervised. The women are beautiful, but nothing here to really make this movie an erotic classic either.

This movie just reeks of low budget buffoonery. The sets are laughable. The acting is horrid, and the editing is confusing. There is no real story to hold this together, and not enough of a budget (or effort) to shock or titillate. I think Franco fans have come to expect more out of the master of exploitation.

Another no budget-shot which is full of the nudity of some quite plain women as well as a not-existing plot and a set decoration that seems to be taken from the botanic garden of a zoo. In other words: Ruggero Deodato´s film looks like the "Citizen Kane" of the cannibal movies, because any acting, storyline, suspense, dramatic, or even cannibalism... are totally missing in Franco´s flick! There´s some animal documentary footage brought on, but the style doesn´t fit to the rest of the film what causes some real laughable impressions! And former German sex starlet Katja Bienert is only ridiculous in the role of Tarzan-like girl Liana, her scream sounds like a drunk gorilla! Don´t be fooled, folks! Even Franco can do it better! Only for those a must-see who think they should have seen all of this director - a lot of work in view of the 176 films Franco shot!!

Diamonds of Kilimandjaro (1983)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

A plane crashes in the jungles of Africa and a little girl survives. Fifteen years later her mother (Lina Romay) sends a search party out looking for her but they've also got their eyes on some priceless jewels. I enjoy these jungle adventure films but this one here dies off after a decent start. There are a few good moments but not enough to really keep the film moving as well as it should. I've heard that Franco didn't shoot all of the material here but it certainly looks like his work.