- Dr. Oliver Ludwig: There are over 20 bodily fluids present in the human body and I am proud to say I have tasted all of them.
- Dr. Oliver Ludwig: The human being emits, oozes, secretes, excretes, salivates, urinates, menstruates, lactates. He evacuates, expectorates and ejaculates.
- Floyd Kurtzman: You left out regurgitates.
- P.A. Announcer: Your attention, please. Dr. Prang will not be performing the operation today. He went meshuggah.
- Dr. Walter Rist: ...I thought that you were uh, musically inclined. Do you ever sing? You know or play any, uh, any instrument?
- Angelo: Fuckin' guitar.
- Dr. Walter Rist: Is that a, a special kind of guitar?
- Angelo: No, it's regular.
- P.A. Announcer: Your attention, please. Due to a mix-up in urology no apple juice will be served this morning.
- Dr. Charles Litto: [introducing himself] Charles Litto. Chicago. Anesthesiologist. Because I like to pass gas.
- Doctor in Office: Let me see if I have this straight. You were shaving. You slipped. You cut your nose off. You then dropped your razor and you cut your toe off. The doctor made a mistake and he sewed your toe onto your face. And your nose onto your foot. And you're complaint is that every time you sneeze you blow your shoe off?
- Floyd Kurtzman: But don't worry! There will be no pressure. It'll be just like any other operation you've never done.
- Dr. Joseph Prang: I've been talking to your fellow interns. They think you're quite an asshole.
- [pause]
- Dr. Joseph Prang: I like that.
- Dr. Stephanie Brody: [quoting Simon] 'A romance at this point would be ludicrous and counterproductive to our studies.'
- Dr. Simon August: I guess that... might have sounded a little... stuffy, Stephie.
- Dr. Stephanie Brody: Slightly, Simon.
- P.A. Announcer: Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper. Please report to the diabetes ward at once.
- Angelo: [dressed as Angela] My father didn't take me out a lot, you know? There was the track and there was Vegas, but like a fuckin' museum or a fuckin' concert? Fuckin' forget it then.
- Dr. Walter Rist: Were you ever sad that you were denied those things?
- Angelo: You grow up fuckin' insensitive, you know?
- Dr. Oliver Ludwig: [angry tone] Now. you listen here. You may have made a fool out of some of my colleagues, but you are going to have to get up early in the morning to put one over on me, Doctor Oliver Wendell Ludwig. Now, you look at this face and what do you see?
- Dr. Simon August: I see alcohol poisoning and precises in the tertiary stages.
- Dr. Oliver Ludwig: [more enraged] Get out. Get out of here now!
- Dr. Joseph Prang: Nice, doctor. While I'm down here trying to save this man's life, you're up there making FART jokes.
- Dr. Joseph Prang: [instructing the interns] She has a very strange pain in her nose. We'll have to examine her.
- [turns to patient]
- Dr. Joseph Prang: All right, you want to spread your nostrils for me?
- Dr. Simon August: [looking at random surgical instrument just handed to him by Dr. Kurtzman] What's this?
- Floyd Kurtzman: I don't know!
- Dr. Simon August: Then take it back.