- Michelangelo: Good evening, Your Holiness.
- The Pope: Evening, Michelangelo. I want to talk to you about this painting of yours, The Last Supper. I'm not happy about it.
- Michelangelo: Oh, dear. It took me hours.
- The Pope: Not happy at all.
- Michelangelo: Is it the jello you don't like?
- The Pope: No.
- Michelangelo: It does add a bit of colour, doesn't it. Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo.
- The Pope: What kangaroo?
- Michelangelo: No problem, I'll paint him out.
- The Pope: I never saw a kangaroo.
- Michelangelo: Uh, he's right at the back. No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple. All right?
- The Pope: That's the problem.
- Michelangelo: What is?
- The Pope: The disciples.
- Michelangelo: Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish.
- The Pope: No, it's just that there are 28 of them.
- First Bruce: They're a typical Hollywood audience. All the kids are on drugs and all the adults are on roller skates.
- Albatross vendor: Albatross... Albatross. ALBATROSS.
- [looks to someone in the crowd]
- Albatross vendor: You're not supposed to be smoking that. Albatross.
- Someone in the crowd: What flavour is it? What flavour is it?
- Albatross person: Seagull sickle... Pelican bon-bon... ALBATROSS.
- Albatross person: I will have two ice creams, please.
- Albatross vendor: I don't have any ice creams, I've just got this albatross. ALBATROSS.
- Albatross person: What flavour is it?
- Albatross vendor: ...Well it's an albatross. Isn't it? It's not any bloody flavour. ALBATROSS.
- Albatross person: It's got to be some flavour, I mean everything's got a flavour.
- Albatross vendor: All right. All right. It's bloody... albatross flavour... Bleedin' seabird bleedin' flavour. ALBATROSS.
- Albatross person: You get wafers with it?
- Albatross vendor: Of course you don't getting fucking wafers with it, you cunt. It's a fucking albatross isn't it.
- First Yorkshireman: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves.
- Fourth Yorkshireman: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.
- Mr. Smoketoomuch: Good morning!
- Travel agency secretary: Oh, good morning! Have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a blowjob?
- Argument Customer: This isn't an argument! It's just contradiction!
- Mr.Barnard: No, it isn't!
- Argument Customer: Yes it is!
- Mr.Barnard: No, no, no!
- Argument Customer: It is!
- Mr.Barnard: No, it isn't!
- Argument Customer: Yes it is! An argument is an intellectual process! It isn't just contradiction!
- Mr.Barnard: Look, if I'm to argue with you, I have to take up a contracitary position!
- Argument Customer: Yes, but it's not just saying "No it isn't!"
- Mr.Barnard: Yes, it is!
- Argument Customer: No, it isn't!
- Michelangelo: I'll tell you what you want! You want a bloody photographer! That's what *you* want!
- The Pope: [Gets off his throne and approaches Michelangelo] I'll tell you what I want! I want a Last Supper with *one* Christ, *twelve* disciples, no kangaroos, no... trampoline acts, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid!
- Michelangelo: Bloody fascist! Bloody C of E!
- The Pope: [Runs him off] I am the bloody Pope, aren't I?
- [to the crowd]
- The Pope: I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
- Hygiene squad policeman 1: First, there is the Cherry Fondue. Now, this is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.
- Mr Milton, owner of Whizzo Chocolate: Agreed!
- Announcer: Hello and welcome to the Ronald Reagan Memorial Bowl, here in the pretty L.A. suburb of Hollywood. Well, we're about to witness All-in Wrestling, brought to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum, the world's first combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing; and by the makers of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile. You never know when it'll go off.
- Flying minstrel: I've got two legs, from my hips to the ground / And when I move them, they walk around / And when I lift them, they climb the stairs / And when I shave them, they ain't got hairs.
- Barrister 1: I did my whole, "Serious offense" bit and then I waggled me wig!
- Husband: You did what?
- Barrister 1: I waggled me wig!
- [the Philosophers' Drinking Song]
- First Bruce: Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable / Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table / David Hume could outconsume Schopenhauer and Hegel / And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schlossed as Schlegel / There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raisin' of the wrist / Socrates himself was permanently pissed / And John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, on a half a pint of shandy was particularly ill / Plato, they say, could stick it away - half a pint of whiskey, every day / Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle / Hobbes was fond of his dram / And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am!" / Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed... / a lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed.
- First Barber, Second Barber, Third Barber, Fourth Barber: [singing] Sit on my face and tell me that you love me, I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too, I love to hear you oralise, when I'm between your thighs you blow me away. Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you, I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly, life can be fine if we both 69, if we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play till we're blown away.
- Arthur Nudge: Does your, eh, does your wife a goer? Eh? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Nudge, nudge, know what I mean? Say no more.
- Man with hat: I - I beg your pardon.
- Arthur Nudge: Your, eh, your wife. Does she go? Eh? Does she go? Eh, eh?
- Man with hat: Well, she sometimes has to go. Oh yes, of course.
- Arthur Nudge: I bet she does. I bet she does! Say no more, say no more. Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.
- Man with hat: I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
- Arthur Nudge: Oh! Follow me, follow me. That's good. That's very good. A nudge as good as a wink to a blind bat.
- Man with hat: Are you selling something?
- Arthur Nudge: Selling? Selling? Very good, in deed. You're wicked, you are. Eh? Wicked! Eh? Woo-woo! Wooo! Wicked! Say no more!
- Man with hat: Are you insinuating something?
- Arthur Nudge: Oh! Oh, no, no. Yes!
- Man with hat: Well?
- Arthur Nudge: Well, I mean, you're a - you're a man of the world squire. You've, eh, you've been around, you know.
- Man with hat: What do you mean?
- Arthur Nudge: Well, I mean, like, you've a - you know, you like, eh, you've done it, you know. You've, eh, *slept* - with a lady.
- Man with hat: Yes.
- Arthur Nudge: What's it like?
- The Colonel: You get off! You're not even a proper woman.
- Albatross vendor: Don't you oppress me, mate!
- The Colonel: What are you trying to do? Avoid registration or something?
- Argument customer: Is this the right room for an argument?
- Mr. Barnard: I told you once.
- Argument customer: No you haven't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I have.
- Argument customer: When?
- Mr. Barnard: Just now.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: You didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: I'm telling you, I did.
- Argument customer: You most certainly did not.
- Mr. Barnard: One moment, is this the five minute argument or the full half hour?
- Argument customer: Oh, I see. Just the five minute.
- Mr. Barnard: Just the five minute. Right. Thank you. Anyway, I did.
- Argument customer: Oh, no, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Now, let's get one thing absolutely clear. I most definitely told you.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't... .
- Lumberjack, Best Girl, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie: [singing] I'm a lumberjack, And I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day
- Lumberjack: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, Suspenders, And a bra, I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear Papa...
- Lumberjack, Best Girl, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie: [singing] I'm a lumberjack, And I'm O.K., I sleep all night, And I work all day
- Lumberjack: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers, I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars...
- The Colonel: No one enjoys a good laugh more than I do. Except, perhaps. for my wife - and some of her friends. Oh yes, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people enjoy a good laugh more than I do, but, that's beside the point. Right. Let's get on with this skit.
- Mr. Smoketoomuch: Every Thursday night there's bloody Cabaret in the bar, featuring some tiny emaciated Dago with nine inch hips and some fat bloated tart with her hair Brylcreemed down with a big ass presenting flamenco for foreigners.