Hardcore

This tepid sex comedy (i never knew it was a comedy) from the U.K. is pretty mundane. The movie made it's rounds on late night cable TV as Fiona. The only thing that I remembered being remotely interesting about this movie was the nice scene with Fiona and some blonde stewardess. Boy, they sure did seem to have a nice time on the boat (inside and out). "Pass the sun tan lotion love." Not worth trying to find. But if it ever comes across the idiot box, watch the first forty minutes and decide if you want to watch the rest. Mildly recommended.

HARDCORE is one of these strange pieces of cinema that try and combine the worlds of drama and pornography. In my experience any film that tries to do this only succeeds in failing on both counts, and this is a textbook example of this happening.

Fiona Richmond was, I am told, a big sex symbol of the 70s. I was still in nappies at this time, so fortunately did not feel the need to look upon Ms Richmond in any sexual way whatsoever. Have times changed so much that this was the epitomy of male desire? It must have been, as the acting that this woman gives us is beyond description. It is so unbelievably bad that whereas the film does advertise itself as a comedy, much of the laughter I am sure is unintentional. The film charts her life from as far back as 17, and to see this uniform-clad woman squealing with delight as her schoolmaster seduces her is probably the funniest piece of celluloid ever made! Ms Richmond obviously insisted that she was still fresh-faced enough to play a school-girl, and it demonstrates her popularity by the fact that no-one dared argue! All her lines are delivered in a tired monotone, and her sex scenes stay as erotic as they are likely (was there a shortage of male actors available too? - the sight of Adam BATMAN West's rear end filling my screen was the point in which I almost turned it off!!). There are too many mistakes in this film to mention, but some are so laughably obvious that you begin to wonder if they are indeed all part of a big director's joke. The one that stays in my mind is the act of placing a red carpet down a staircase. Butlers please note - rolling it down from the top of the stairs then expecting your guest to walk up is not going to work! However, one interesting piece of information I have learnt is that the great Malcolm McDowell (A CLOCKWORK ORANGE) appears in the film, although he is uncredited. If anyone knows whereabouts he is featured, I would love to hear from them! Although I don't need anyone telling me why he wished to remain uncredited! This script is such that I can only imagine the writers got hold of "The Spotters Guide to Sexual Innuendo" and bled that sucker dry!!!

Much as I would have liked to, I did get to the end of this film without switching off, and I must confess I enjoyed it (although not for the reasons intended!). As a nostalgic laugh to what the 70s gave us this film is worth a look. Any other reason - forget it!!

Many of the comments on this film seem to be that Fiona Richmond couldn't act, or she was wrong to play a schoolgirl etc. The point was that she KNEW all this. The character of Fiona was one that Julia Harrison (her real name) had created herself. She was fully aware of her limitations as an actress, and was in a conspiracy with her audience over this. She also wrote for Men Only magazine about 'road-testing' various men each month, and we, her readers, knew that she was actually sat in an office making it all up. This was part of her appeal, and of the whole joke. Perhaps you had to have been around at the time to get it.

The idea that anyone could have rated this movie a 10 is so far beyond credibility that I have to assume it was a joke. It was boring beyond belief and about as erotic as Barney or the Care Bears. Fiona Richmond's "acting" is so bad that one wonders how anyone thought she was qualified to play herself! It was a pathetic display, barely good for a laugh, and just sad to see such reputable performers as Graham Crowden and Victor Spinetti reduced to this level, even for a paycheck. Trust me, and skip it.