Criminally Insane

Vile, crude, disgusting, hideous, degrading, nonsensical: "Criminally Insane" (AKA "Crazy Fat Ethel". Seriously.) is a movie that just has it all. It's a bewildering exercise in bad taste, merely watching it makes you feel like you desperately need to take a shower. Furthermore, it has the unique ability to make everything some people hate about Z-grade schlock into a merit. Just take the film stock this movie is shot on, for example. It looks like someone was embalmed in it, but that's exactly how you want it to look. Forget about the pretty colors and high definition, this right here is what it's all about. The actors also add a lot to the general uncomfortable atmosphere: Priscilla Alden is great as the deadpan lead, but the bit characters are actually just as good. The spineless Sarah Jessica Parker-faced sister who just for the hell of it is also a prostitute, her abusive make-up wearing boyfriend/pimp, the random drunk dude (a sadly brief cameo), the shock therapist, the oddball police inspector, you don't want any of these people living next door. Oh, and then there's the dialogue. This script is so full of gems that it's hard to keep up, can humor get any darker than this? I don't know how "Criminally Insane" was ever intended, but the finished product is incredibly awesome. Dig it up if you can, it's totally worth it.

CRIMINALLY INSANE is a real treat for cult horror fans. Don't get me wrong, it is no classic and plays like a low rent H.G. Lewis film (yes, you read that right) but there is just something inherently appealing about this film.

The story is incredibly simple (Ethel kills nearly everyone she encounters) with few surprises (the end is a shocker though) but the film is infused with some great moments of black humor. The star of the film is, of course, Priscilla Alden as the criminally insane Ethel. I will stand my ground when I say the film's success rests firmly on her shoulders. Scenes of her repeatedly stabbing her grandmother while yelling, "I want that key! I want that key!" or her taking out a grocery store delivery boy are played perfectly. Despite Millard's claim that the got professional actors from Los Angeles, this is strictly amateur hour (sharp eyed viewers will catch a clean shaved George "Buck" Flower in there though). Strangely, all of this works to the film's benefit, creating some incredibly surreal moments.

The film is filled with plenty of these "what the hell" moments. For instance, Ethel's sister Rosalie and her abusive boyfriend John move in. During a bedroom romp, John explains to Rosalie that he beats her because "baby, sometime you need to be beaten." How does she react to this misogynist viewpoint? Why by embracing him and giving him a kiss! The film is incredibly cheap and Millard makes no bones about it. In fact, he is oddly proud of what appears on screen for his $30,000 ("the biggest budget I have ever had," he claims). Watching this type of "do it yourself" cinema reminds me of the aforementioned H.G. Lewis, the cult films from Something Weird or Frank Henenlotter's debut BASKET CASE. It may not be pretty but it is definitely entertaining.

CRIMINALLY INSANE (aka: CRAZY FAT ETHEL) stars the inimitable Priscilla Alden as Ethel Janowski, a rather rotund woman who is released from a mental hospital. Ethel is advised to drop a few pounds, which results in her consuming mass quantities of food, like whole packages of bacon and a loaf of bread with her dozen eggs for breakfast.

Ethel's nagging grandmother attempts to get her to "watch her figure". Ethel ponders this, while eating boxes of vanilla wafers. When granny locks up the food, Ethel takes offense, and takes out her frustration on granny with a big knife.

So begins Ethel's spiral into the abyss of hunger-driven, homicidal frenzy. As the bodies pile up, Ethel's madness explodes exponentially, while she eats and eats and eats.

The cheap, non-produced, barely-directed appearance of the film adds to its effectiveness. Ms. Alden plays her role with utter seriousness and conviction, making Ethel seem like more than the stereotypical lunatic. Even when she's polishing off a stack of sweet rolls or devouring an entire gallon of chocolate ice cream!

EXTRA POINTS FOR: The character named John (Robert Copple), one of the most heinous jerks in schlock movie history! Bravo!

P.S.- Watch for George "Buck" Flower as the halfhearted police detective...

Criminally Insane is a surprisingly entertaining film, especially for one that's only 60 minutes long and shot entirely in someone's grandma's house. I originally thought it looked like a home movie, until I saw the director's follow-up film "DEATH NURSE," at which point my opinion of the first film changed entirely. I was then impressed with the luster and sparkle of CRIMINALLY INSANE. The characters are really interesting, especially Ethel's hooker sister and her abusive pimp boyfriend who dreams of being in the movies. Most interesting, of course, is Ethel herself. Priscilla Alden, displaying something almost remotely resembling true moviestar charisma. She is a hoot to watch as she hacks her grandma to death out of frustration at finding the refridgerator empty. At only 60 minutes the plot moves along swiftly, with odd subplots rearing their head, including Ethel's incompetant attempts to dispose of the bodies. Very, very, very interesting. Very overlooked. Anyone who doesn't like this movie is a jerk.

This movie is funny for all the wrong reasons - the horrible acting, the lamentable special effects, the bizarre music, and the $.57 budget. However, if you're in the mood for something a little, uh, offbeat and darkly comic, watch this. I have honestly never seen anything funnier than "Criminally Insane" and I would recommend it for anybody who likes the weird, cheap, and hysterical.