- Igor: You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him... the things he'd say to me.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What did he say?
- Igor: "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?"
- [Froederick and Igor are exhuming a dead criminal]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What a filthy job.
- Igor: Could be worse.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: How?
- Igor: Could be raining.
- [it starts to pour]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
- Igor: What hump?
- Igor: Dr. Frankenstein...
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: "Fronkensteen."
- Igor: You're putting me on.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, it's pronounced "Fronkensteen."
- Igor: Do you also say "Froaderick"?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No... "Frederick."
- Igor: Well, why isn't it "Froaderick Fronkensteen"?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: It isn't; it's "Frederick Fronkensteen."
- Igor: I see.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You must be Igor.
- [He pronounces it ee-gor]
- Igor: No, it's pronounced "eye-gor."
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: But they told me it was "ee-gor."
- Igor: Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [Reading from his grandfathers' notebook] "As the minuteness of the parts formed a great hinderance to my speed, I resolved therefore to make a being of a gigantic stature."
- [pause]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Of course. That would simplify everything.
- Inga: In other vords: his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Exactly.
- Inga: He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That goes without saying.
- Inga: Voof.
- Igor: He's going to be very popular.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [to Igor] Now that brain that you gave me. Was it Hans Delbrück's?
- Igor: [pauses] No.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Ah! Very good. Would you mind telling me whose brain I DID put in?
- Igor: Then you won't be angry?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I will NOT be angry.
- Igor: Abby someone.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [pauses] Abby someone. Abby who?
- Igor: Abby... Normal.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [pauses] Abby Normal?
- Igor: I'm almost sure that was the name.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [chuckles] Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA?
- [grabs Igor and starts throttling him]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Is that what you're telling me?
- Inga: Werewolf!
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Werewolf?
- Igor: There.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What?
- Igor: There, wolf. There, castle.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Why are you talking that way?
- Igor: I thought you wanted to.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, I don't want to.
- Igor: [shrugs] Suit yourself. I'm easy.
- [last lines]
- Inga: You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [growls suggestively]
- Inga: [gasping] Oh my goodness, I don't believe...
- [emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts]
- Inga: [singing] Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you!
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door.
- Inga: Yes, Doctor.
- Igor: Nice working with ya.
- [Dr. Frederick Frankenstein goes into the room with The Monster. The Monster wakes up]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What's the matter with you people? I was joking! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? HA-HA-HA-HA. Jesus Christ, get me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! Mommy!
- Elizabeth: [to The Monster] Honey, did you see I put another hamper in the bathroom? This one's for your shirts, the other's just for socks and poo-poo undies.
- [after sex with The Monster]
- Elizabeth: Oh. Where you going?... Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Oh... I think I love him.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Well, dear, are you ready?
- Inga: Yes, Doctor.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Elevate me.
- Inga: Now? Right here?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Yes, yes, raise the platform.
- Inga: Oh. Ze platform. Oh, zat, yah, yah... yes.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [to The Monster] Hello handsome. You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because... they are jealous. Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a God. And listen to me, you are not evil. You... are... good.
- [the Monster starts to cry, and Dr. Frederick Frankenstein hugs him]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him. I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire.
- Inga: [from outside] Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right!
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: MY NAME IS FRANKENSTEIN!
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor, help me with the bags.
- Igor: [Imitating Groucho Marx] Soitenly. You take the blonde, I'll take the one in the toiben.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I was talking about the luggage.
- Igor: What is this?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Schwartzwalder Kirschtorte.
- The Monster: [off-screen] MMMMMMM!
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Oh, do you like it? I'm not partial to desserts myself, but this is excellent.
- Igor: Who are you talking to?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: To you. You just made a yummy sound, so I thought you liked the dessert.
- Igor: I didn't make a yummy sound, I just asked you what it is.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: But you did. I just heard it.
- Igor: It wasn't me.
- Inga: It wasn't me.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Well, now look here. If it wasn't you, and it wasn't you...
- [he asks himself]
- The Monster: [off-camera] Mmmmmm!
- [Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What knockers.
- Inga: Oh, thank you doctor.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That music...
- Frau Blücher: Yes. It's in your blood - it's in the blood of ALL Frankensteins. It reaches the soul when words are useless. Your grandfather used to play it to the creature HE vas making.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Then it was you all the time.
- Frau Blücher: Yes.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You played that music in the middle of the night...
- Frau Blücher: Yes.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: ...to get us to the laboratory.
- Frau Blücher: Yes.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That was YOUR cigar smoldering in the ashtray.
- Frau Blücher: Yes.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: And it was you... who left my grandfather's book out for me to find.
- Frau Blücher: Yes.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: So that I would...
- Frau Blücher: Yes.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Then you and Victor were...
- Frau Blücher: YES. YES. Say it. He vas my... BOYFRIEND.
- Frau Blücher: Good night, Herr Doktor.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Good night, Frau Blücher.
- [horses whinny]
- [Frederick, Inga and Igor find an abandoned violin]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Well this explains the music.
- Igor: It's still warm.
- [after failing to bring the creature to life]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Nothing.
- Inga: Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace.
- [starts beating up the creature]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Son of a bitch! Bastard! I'll get you for this! What did you do to me? What did you do to me.
- Inga: Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I don't want to live. I do not want to live.
- Igor: Quiet dignity and grace
- [rolls eyes]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Oh... mama...
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, "I am man.", our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.
- The Monster: For as long as I can remember people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which is my deepest hope, I would instead cause fear. I live because this poor half-crazed genius, has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful and then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.
- [as monster runs out the door]
- The Blindman: Wait. Where are you going? I was going to make Espresso.
- Inga: You haven't even touched your food.
- [Frederick explodes and slaps on his food]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: There. Now I've touched it. Happy?
- [as she holds a candle holder with 3 unlit candles]
- Frau Blücher: Stay close to the candles. The stairway can be... treacherous.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [dreaming] I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it.
- [pauses]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Are you ready?
- Igor: Are you sure this is how they did it?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Yes! It's all written down in the notes! Now tie off the kites and hurry down as fast as you can!
- Igor: What's the hurry?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: There's a possibility of electrocution! Do you understand?
- [no answer, shouts]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I said, there is a possibility of electrocution! Do you understand?
- Igor: [suddenly appears next to Fredrick] I understand. I understand. Why are you shouting?
- Frau Blücher: Would the doctor care for a... brandy before retiring?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No. Thank you.
- Frau Blücher: [suggestively] Some varm milk... perhaps?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No... thank you very much. No thanks.
- Frau Blücher: [suggestively] Ovaltine?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
- Frau Blücher: Then I vill say... goodnight, Herr Doctor.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Goodnight, Frau Blücher.
- [horses whinny]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Uh, you were sent by Herr Falkstein, weren't you?
- Igor: Yes. My grandfather used to work for your grandfather.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [Nervous laughter] How nice.
- Igor: Of course the rates have gone up.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Of course, of course. I'm sure we'll get along splendidly.
- Igor: I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just... followed it down. Call it... a hunch. Ba-dum chi.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
- Medical Student: But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: My grandfather's work was doodoo! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life!
- [jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Class... is... dismissed.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: With such a specimen for a body, all we need now is an equally magnificant brain. You know what to do?
- Igor: I have a pretty good idea.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [pointing to Igor's hump] Good man. Didn't you, didn't you use to have that on the other side?
- Igor: What?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Your, uh, oh nevermind.
- Inspector Kemp: Vee had better confeerm de fect dat Yunk Frankenshtein iss indeed VALLOWING EEN EES GANDFADDA'S VOOTSHTAPS.
- Villagers: What?
- Inspector Kemp: Following in his grandfather's footsteps.
- [looks at blank faces]
- Inspector Kemp: Footsteps! Footsteps!
- Villagers: Ohhh. Footsteps.
- [following Igor's botched attempt to interpret Dr. Frankenstein's charade clues while being attacked by the monster]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: SEDA-GIVE?
- Elizabeth: [singing, while having sex with the monster] Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!
- Frau Blücher: I came to tell you that your fiance should be arriving any second!
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [shirtless] Elizabeth! Here, tonight?
- Frau Blücher: I suggest you put on a tie!
- [Frederick arrives at the Transylvania station]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Pardon me, boy. Is this the Transylvania station?
- Shoe-Shine Boy: Ja, ja. Track 29. Can I give you a shine?
- [Frau Blucher has just "walked in" on Frederick and Inga in the lab]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I thought I told you never to interrupt me while I'm working!
- Medical Student: Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extrordinary means, it actually began to move with voluntary motion?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
- [the class laughs]
- Medical Student: Why, the worm, sir.
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Yes, I did read something of that incident when I was a student, but you have to remember that a worm... with very few exceptions... is not a human being.
- Medical Student: But wasn't that the whole basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: My grandfather was a very sick man.
- Medical Student: But as a Fronkensteen, aren't you the least bit curious about it? Doesn't the bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue to you?
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind! Dead is dead!
- Medical Student: But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys...
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I am talking about the central nervous system!
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Sit down, won't you?
- [Igor sits on the floor]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, no, up here.
- [Igor gets up onto a stool]
- Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [singing] If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits...
- The Monster: 'UTTIN' ON THE 'IIIIITZ.