Touche pas à mes tennis

Another vapid beach movie from Crown International Pictures, who certainly worked hard in churning out plenty of low budget drive-in style movies in the '70s and '80s. I've yet to see a Crown picture that didn't have some gratuitous nudity in it, and sure enough, this being a beach party film after all, there's the requisite bikini-stealing-dog scenes in it.

Otherwise, this is an unmemorable waste of time, without many sub-plots or indeed much in the way of plotting at all to recommend it. A group of teenagers hang around at the beach, fall in love, and smoke pot. They also have sex - lots of sex. A couple of cops show up, one of them turns out to smoke pot as well, while the other complains about the state of the world. An overage muscle guy tries to hit it off with the women but gets into a couple of fights instead. The production values and quality of the acting are as poor as you'd expect, leaving this an entirely pointless little movie.

This movie has just about everything you would expect from a beach movie: Bullies, nerds, lifeguards, sharks, obnoxious brats, police, drugs, "chicken" races, horny teachers, sluts, topless beach babes, and surprisingly a bikini top stealing dog!(this gag was repeated in the classic "Hardbodies").Hey, with so much thrown into one can, you have to like something! And I like it a lot.This movie, I believe accidently, came off as a genuine "slice of life" movie that could have been better if it had stuck to the characterizations and not tried to be something for everyone.It was a nice try though!

Malibu Beach doesn't have much in the way of a plot, but it doesn't really need one:it's more than happy to wander aimlessly from scene to scene with a 'why worry?' attitude that is perfectly suited to its carefree teenage characters, all of whom are far too busy living for the now to think about the bigger picture.

There's sexy young lifeguard Dina (the gorgeous Kim Lankford), handsome high-schooler Bobby (James Daughton), promiscuous babe Glorianna (Tara Strohmeier), desperate nerd Claude (Roger Lawrence Pierce), Margie the hot-dog stand girl (Sherry Lee Marks), and the older (but none the wiser) bodybuilder beach-bully Dugan (Steve Oliver) to name but a few. As the viewer, we get to tag along with these regulars of the beach scene as they party in the sun and frolic in the hot summer nights.

While it's far from ground-breaking stuff—a series of frivolous vignettes in which our on-screen pals party, swim, dance, race, fight, and hook up with each other—it's a lot of fun while it lasts, a reminder of a time of life when all that mattered was having a laugh with your friends (whilst trying to attract the attention of the opposite sex).

Ingredients needed for a good coming of age teen beach sex comedy:

1 A couple of hunks with blonde hair, blue eyes, lots of pecs and no discernible personality as main characters.. CHECK

2 A nerd with a bowl haircut and thick glasses who gets on everybody's nerves because INTELLIGENT PEOPLE ARE NEVER ANY FUN.. CHECK

3 Two sexy young girls on vacation who start off hating our heroes but gradually, through the course of the film.. CHECK

4 At least one prudish middle-age adult who start off disapproving of the teenage hormones that surround him but gradually, throughout the course of the film.. CHECK

5. A female lifeguard in a swimsuit who is a total bombshell.. I wonder who'll be the first to pretend to be drowning so they can.. you know.. tee hee.. CHECK

6. A pair of dopey cops who try to stop the party for reasons unknown, but always end up losing.. usually tied up, with their trousers down and a pair of humiliating boxer shorts exposed.. CHECK

7. A campfire scene where everybody confesses their deepest darkest secrets and past mistakes cos, you know, even silly little films like this can have a SOUL too.. CHECK

8. Who can forget the classic skinny-dipping bit? Better make it at night though, and at a distance.. that way the young starlets won't get too embarrassed.. CHECK

9. The mandatory final love scene, which involves lots of kissing, drippy background music.. but not much in the way of movement. Oh well, as long as she's got a nice rack.. CHECK

10. Put a nice montage of all the lead characters playing on the beach over the end credits, just to show that even though summer may be finished, THE BONDS OF FRIENDSHIP ARE ETERNAL!! Bless.. CHECK

Oh yeah.. I almost forgot about the dog who is trained to steal bikini tops. That's a laugh, seeing this puppy with a bra in its mouth being pursued by a Playmate while she flops all over the place. Comedy gold! Benny Hill, eat your heart out! Oh, I can't go without mentioning.. wait, is anybody there.. HELLO? HELLO? I haven't finished yet!! 0/10

This film is one of my favorite of all time. Why? Because there's obviously something wrong with me. Who in their right mind would find brilliance in a film so thoroughly built for the quick Drive-in buck. Who would tolerate marginal acting and a non-existent storyline, a soundtrack the consists of three songs played over and over and over again, and a freeze- frame ending where everyone is laughing at a bad joke?

Who, you ask? Anyone who can see past the mechanics of this film, the strained convention and the low-budget. Crown International was the perpetrator of this relaxing slice of 1970's nostalgia and they know how to make these type of films like no one else.

There's something magical that exists between the lines of this film and how it captures the lazy days and fun nights of being a teenager and spending your days on and near the beach. It reminded me of those times back in the late 70's/early 80's. Moreover, the two lead girls have definitely got something going. And, as far as the three songs are concerned, with the exception of the synth track that seems to be the only thing that plays at the bar they all go to, the other two tracks ("I go to pieces" originally by Peter and Gordon, and "You're Gonna find love" by who the heck knows) add to the charming time machine quality of this film.

During my summers, when I was too young to see R-rated films like these, I recall that Crown used to group their latest and their last as double features. This film originally was grouped with "The Van" and later with "Van Nuys Blvd." Both MB and Van had "Dugan", whom, I guess, wasn't a popular enough character to make a franchise out of (due to the unfortunate comic stylings of Steve Oliver). Van Nuys Blvd., it seems, couldn't procure him so they created the much beloved character "Chooch" instead. A sad day for all, indeed.

I put this on sometimes when I have friends over. The typical response they have is amazement at the sheer randomness and stupidity of the movie -- but after a few minutes, no one can stop watching it. When I ask why, they usually say, "I just want to see what happens next." Sign of a masterpiece if you ask me.