Bog

I'm a devotee of bad films ("Manos, the Hands of Fate" is one of my favorites; no, seriously, I really like it!), but "Bog" was just a bit too dumb, even for me. Oh, I don't deny that it had it's moments. But in between those moments was a lot of dead space. I was surprised by the "love scene" between the film's two leads. I think this is, without question, the oldest love scene I've ever witnessed! Now, it's not graphic by any stretch of the imagination, but how often do you see a 50-year-old woman making out with a 60-year-old man? Heck, how often do you see a 50-year-old woman who is supposed to be our eye-candy? I've got to give the movie props for striking a blow for the geriatric community!

BOG is one of those movies that cannot be described in words. Well, that is, if the words "atrocious" and "stomach-churning" and "mind-boggling" aren't in your vocabulary. The kissing scene, Jenson's ode to "the dummies," the gratuitous laboratory scenes and Adrianna's monologue dealing with the tribulations of the Namin/Wadna/Crat creature are all featured players when it comes to the hilarity of this stinker. I'm afraid, though, that the monster (or man in monster suit) takes the cake, ahem, rice-cake that is. Don't get me wrong, this film is great. It's one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I love it!

"Bog" is quite similar to, and instantly reminded me of "Croaked: Frog Monster from Hell". Both movies were filmed in the rural Wisconsin regions during the mid-70's ("Bog" didn't get released until the early 1980's) and they are both … well … abominable! That is to say, they're bad but somehow irresistibly charming, cheesy and entertaining as the same time. And, for some strange coincidental reason, these movies also just happen to have the two greatest taglines ever in the horror film industry! For "Croaked" the tagline was: "This time the frog dissects you" and the DVD-cover of "Bog" proclaims the tagline: "Who's the bait now?" That's good stuff.

The film neatly follows the familiar monster-movie routine. Some type of ancient creature that has been lying dormant on the bottom of a desolate lake gets awakened in a banal fashion (local fishermen using dynamite instead of regular bait) and begins to devour everyone in the area. This particular beastie entirely drains the blood out of his victims' bodies and leaves the complete lake town community baffled and scared. The awesome Aldo Ray stars as the heroic and quite fearless local sheriff who can't prevent the bodies in his town from piling up and "Bog" also stars two other veterans in the roles of forensic scientists; namely Gloria DeHaven ("Summer Stock" and Marshall Thompson ("It! The Terror from beyond Space"). They can't seem to figure out what kind of dangerous species they're dealing with, but perhaps that's because they're too busy falling in love. The scenes in which senior citizens Adriana and Dr. Wednesday interrupt their investigation of the organic tissue under their microscopes in order to declare their love and affection for each other are unintentionally funny, misfit and rather awkward. It takes more than a full hour before we get a proper impression of the monster. Before that, we just hear it growl and have to derive from the petrified expression of its victims' faces that it must be one hideous beast. Still, it's plain obvious that "Bog" is an incredibly low-budgeted and amateurish horror romp, so likewise for the monster design. The creature actually even looks more imbecilic and less scary than the monsters in those zero-budgeted 1950's movies, like "Attack of the Giant Leeches", "The Beast from Haunted Cave" and "The Giant Gila Monster". The thing has enormous eyes and his arms look like an over-sized crab. According to the trivia section, the guy in the suit was 6ft7 and weighed nearly 250pds. One final remark I just have to make: I seriously wonder how many gallons of booze were consumed during the production of "Bog". The first victims, two fishermen and their wives, drink beers non-stop. Even during their police interrogations! And also every dialog with good-old Sheriff Aldo Ray ends with the words "I could sure use a drink right now…".

After an explosive beginning, featuring senseless fish slaughter, and the unforgettable theme song "Walk With Me", BOG unfolds.

When two beer-guzzling imbeciles lose their crabby wives to an unknown horror, the sheriff (Aldo Ray), Dr. Wednesday (Marshall Thompson), and Ginny Glenn (Gloria Dehaven) are on the case.

Simultaneously, the two aforementioned fishermen follow the town moron into the wilderness, where the local hag (Dehaven again) tells them the legend of the creature they encountered.

In another neck of the woods, Wednesday romances Ginny, while "Walk Witth Meee" plays once again. Where might one purchase this musical masterpiece? Further deaths occur.

BOG IS A SHOWCASE FOR: #1- Aldo Ray, who rants and emotes in a way that Bill T. Shatner would envy! #2- Hundreds of impossibly huge sideburns on parade! #3- Loads of scintillating, pseudo-scientific gobbledygook! #4- That melodic treasure-beyond-price, "Wwwaaalkk Wittthh Meeee" to work its magic in our very souls! #5- The monster, which is -understandably- barely shown, until the finale, when the ludicrous lobster-man causes laughs aplenty!

EXTRA POINTS FOR: #1- The monster's growl, which is a combination of a rhinoceros, someone farting through a trumpet, and my grandfather snoring! #2- The filmmaker's bold decision to play "Wwwwaaaallllkkk Wwwwiittthhh Mmmeeeeeeeeeeee" over the end credits! Bravo!...

Bog is a RIOT! I watched it twice in one week after I figured out what a PERFECT bad movie it is. This movie has everything a bad movie should. In parts it is reminiscent of both Pod People and Giant Spider Invasion. It has crazy hermits that talk like cartoon characters, bumbling outdoorsy city husbands who lose their wives to the mysterious creature and take off after it with whatever firearms they can muster up, a creepy old livin'-in-the-woods-tellin'-fortunes lady, a sheriff who says such wonderful things as "hypodeemic nerdle" instead of hypodermic needle, and... well you get the picture. Perfect MST3K fodder!!!