- Reporter: [Newscast from opening credits]
- Reporter: And the senator, while insisting he was not intoxicated, could not explain his nudity.
- [Voice of Johnny Carson from a monologue]
- Jennifer Marlowe: Mr. Craven I would like to ask you a question about the phone company.
- Wayne Craven: Well that's what I'm here for, fire away.
- Jennifer Marlowe: You know the phone company won't give you a specific time when they'll come to install your phone. You have to wait all day long. Like most people, I work and can't take the whole day off.
- Wayne Craven: Uh-Hunh.
- Jennifer Marlowe: So Saturday is the only day I'll be here. But because so many other people have the same problem, you can wait up to two, three weeks or more for service.
- Wayne Craven: That's correct.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Could you tell me why that is?
- Wayne Craven: Of course, it's like that because we don't have any competition.
- Venus Flytrap: [Fever runs into the booth and hides behind the coat rack] What are you doin', man! I'm on the air!
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Herb Tarlek is selling life insurance!
- Venus Flytrap: Oh, no! Close the blinds before he sees us!
- Andy Travis: [Walks into the booth] What have I told you guys about goofing off when one of you is supposed to be on the air?
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Herb Tarlek is selling life insurance!
- Andy Travis: Oh, no!
- [slams the door and hides with Fever]
- [after an elderly couple has broken into the DJ booth]
- Dr. Johnny Fever: All right, you two, up against the wall! I don't what you want but you should know I've killed a lot of old people in my time. And I'm not above doing it again.
- Les Nessman: Last night at that house, did anything happen?
- Jennifer Marlowe: I met a lady whose car I have to replace and I discovered we have a sex pervert in the neighborhood.
- Les Nessman: No, I mean did anything unusual happen?
- Les Nessman: [repeated sign-off line] This is Les Nessman saying good day, and may the good news be yours.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Do you have enough money to feed yourself?
- Les Nessman: Yes.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: I don't, can you loan me some money?
- Les Nessman: No.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Can you loan me some food?
- [Venus is showing off his flashy wardrobe]
- Venus Flytrap: I only came downtown to have one of my suits serviced.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: I'll bet a suit like that stays in the shop most of the time.
- Venus Flytrap: I got suits I can't get parts for.
- [at a record store hosting a WKRP remote broadcast]
- Herb Tarlek: Del, goshdarnit I've got to go, but if you need anything, anything at all, I'll be in my car somewhere.
- [Johnny is lying to keep from being beaten up by a big thug named Dave]
- Dr. Johnny Fever: I'm Andy Travis, glad to meet you, (pointing to the real Andy Travis) that's my brother Randy and that's old Venus of course.
- Venus Flytrap: Of course.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: [referring to Dave] We don't know who the mountainoid is.
- Dave: Name's Dave.
- Les Nessman: [saying that Bailey shouldn't produce the show] This isn't the Ohio State School of Journalism, this is the big time.
- Bailey Quarters: Have you noticed all the men in Landersville are going bald? I wonder if there's a nuclear power plant in the area.