- Mr. Dick Lucas: [Mr. Humphries waltzes into the airport in a pink outfit] Oh blimey, it's the sugar plum fairy!
- Don Carlos Bernardo: Ah.
- [snaps his fingers]
- Don Carlos Bernardo: Of course. Tentyhouses! Oh, my English spelling is so bad. Whenever I'm wanting 'T' I'm having a 'P'.
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Remind me to stick to coffee.
- Cesar Rodriguez: Decide now! Are you with them, or are you with us.
- [draws revolver]
- Don Carlos Bernardo: Is that gun loaded?
- Cesar Rodriguez: Of course.
- Don Carlos Bernardo: I am with us.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: [discussing local custom of singing a song to let others know you are using the bathroom, because the only lock is on the outside] Many more dinners like that, and I shall have to learn a longer song.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: I had a bit of bad news yesterday. Mrs. Peacock won't be accompanying us.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh yes?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Two lonely persons thrown together on a foreign shore. It could be quite romantic. We'll have to watch it, won't we?
- Miss Shirley Brahms: Well, I intend on going to the discoes every night, so you'll have to watch it on your own.
- Don Carlos Bernardo: The goblet of honor for the lady with a beautiful body.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: Thank you!
- [Don Carlos Bernado places the glass in front of Mrs. Slocombe]
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [the staff just arrived at the hotel] Ring the bell, Peacock.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: I hope you're not going to keep ordering me around. We are on holiday.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I'm sorry. Ring the bell, Stephen.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: [Conchita has entered, thinking she is in Mr. Humphries' tent] . Ah! Who are you?
- Conchita: I am Conchita. Where is Mr. Humphries? I want to sleep with him. He will make me happy.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: You'll be lucky.
- Conchita: Follow me, please.
- [bends down to pick up luggage, and dress rides up so underwear saying "Ole!" is exposed]
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, I look forward to seeing the pantyhoses, er, pentyhouses.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: [Watching Mr Lucas trying to stuff a sandwich into his jacket pocket] How many times have I told you not to put food into your pockets?
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Every time you've caught me, Captain Peacock!
- Mr. Beverley Harman: What do you want - India Tea powder, or China Tea Powder?
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: What tastes most like the label on the packet?
- Mr. Beverley Harman: The actual packet! Look, there's not point being fussy
- [rips a packet open and pours the powder into the cup of hot water on Rumbold's desk]
- Mr. Beverley Harman: Here, have the Indian!
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Arn't I supposed to leave it for 2 minuttes to brew?
- Mr. Beverley Harman: I shouldn't do that - it'll take the pattern off the cup!
- Mr. Beverley Harman: [Pausing at the door] Would it be in order to ask if your good lady wife will be accompanying you?
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: No, as a matter of fact, she will be staying at home.
- Mr. Beverley Harman: Oh, I see - hoping to cop a bit of spare when you get there!
- [Exits]
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Been taking a dip, Mr Humphries?
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, I haven't been sitting in the cocktail bar with this lot on!
- Captain Stephen Peacock: [Watching a procession of nuns] What a charming, old world sight.
- Mr. Dick Lucas: Hey, you see the one at the back - I seem to recognise the walk!
- Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [the last nun in the line, moving away from the others] Peace be with you, sisters!
- Captain Stephen Peacock: [During the gun battle] Mr Lucus, remember you're up for a rise
- Mr. Dick Lucas: I hope you remember that when the time comes!
- Captain Stephen Peacock: I will - if you're still with us!