Porno Paradise

Jack Horner, Burt Reynolds' character in Boogie Nights, was determined to make "a real movie." This is probably what it would have looked like, right down to the mid '70s production quality and costumes. No one should be ashamed to admit they've watched it. It is a witty, intelligent comedy that just happens to be a porn film. Watch the exchange between Jamie Gillis and the flight attendant for proof of this. It's just as funny as anything in an early Woody Allen film. And the "swindle singing" that was featured prominently in Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid and Allen's Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Sex gets a real workout here. And dare I say that this is a really good "date flick," of course after you've been dating for a while. I remember this movie playing in Northern Virginia for 12 years, from 1976 or so to 1988. Had video stores not flourished in the late '80s, I would be willing to bet that it would still be playing. It definitely has staying power, and the dated quality of the film just adds to the appeal.

For a brief moment in the mid '70's, before herpes, AIDS; at the beginning of the disco revolution and the absolute beginnings of the VCR, American society had grown up enough to allow genuine adult entertainment on the mainstream big screen as entertainment and not disguised as a morality play like "Reefer Madness." Unlike its predecessors, "Deep Throat" and "The Devil in Miss Jones," "The Opening of Misty Beethoven" features rich production values and exotic locations. The production values of this film are on par with most Hollywood productions at the time and huge cut above "B" movies of the era.

Explicit sex fills this film, even when the main characters are not engaging in it, the background extras on screen are. It's an interesting mix, leading to explicit sex being both glorified and trivialized. More than any other single film, this movie celebrates the promises of the 1960's Sexual Revolution with candid portrayals of sexual behavior from solo sex to heterosexual to both forms of homosexual-ism, namely gay and lesbian (though the references to gay sex are not presented as direct man on man contact).

While the sex is explicit and at times shown in the kind of close-ups that makes one feel as if they are a gynecologist, few of the sex scenes follow the pattern of modern pornography where the partners are filmed in close-up and changing positions every three to five minutes. On one hand, little of the sex between the main characters is gratuitous, yet, since this IS a sex film, it can be argued it is ALL gratuitous. The story is clearly a twist on the classic "My Fair Lady" theme. Can a lowly, "civil servant" class sex worker be elevated to the pinnacles of being a sexual legend? The dialog can be very witty at times and the movie doesn't mind stopping the "action" for a few good lines. The acting is above average for the period. The hip, very vogue fashions of the day are a wonderful flashback to another time and may be worth witnessing for their own value.

By 1978's "Debbie Does Dallas," the moment was over. Production values had fallen along with the caliber of the story lines and quality of the actors ability to act. Theater owners were under political pressure about showing such explicit movies. Mainstream Hollywood never took the bait to make their own adult productions, marginalizing the industry. And most importantly, there was a new technology entering the homes of Americans that would allow people to view such explicit content in the privacy of their homes, the VCR (first introduced to consumers as the Sony Betamax in 1975).

When the filmmaker in Paul Thomas Anderson's BOOGIE NIGHTS waxes elegiac about what porn could have been--a porn movie that's a real movie--THE OPENING OF MISTY BEETHOVEN is what he's talking about. Directed by Radley Metzger under the nom de guerre Henry Paris, this remake of "Pygmalion" has some wit, stylish production design, a story, rhythm, characters, and, if you can believe it, some not at all bad acting. Nothing else--not even Metzger/Paris' big-selling BARBARA BROADCAST--ever equaled it. See it, laugh, and mourn for what could have been.

Opening of Misty Beethoven, The (1976)

*** (out of 4)

George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion is the inspiration for this porn film, which has been called the greatest ever by many critics and I'd have to agree. In the film a sexologist (Jamie Gills) picks up Misty Beethoven (Constance Money), a second rate slut who refuses to do anything but straight vaginal sex. With the help of a friend (Jacqueline Beaudant) Misty is taken back to a secret location where she's formed into someone who can perform at a lavish party. Yes, it's MY FAIR LADY porno style and it works. Having gone through many of the "classics" from this golden era of porn I had been led to believe that many of them were well acted, directed and featured good screenplays that would rival the normal movie playing in theaters at the time. This turned out to be wrong as most were better than your typical bump 'n grind flick but nothing else. This film, however, is actually good enough to where it could compete with a mainstream film. Not only do we get some good acting and directing but the screenplay is extremely smart as well. We get some very funny dialogue and the film is smart enough to even take a few pot shots at the people who would sit in a theater just to watch porn. There's a very funny sequence early on with Misty having to serve Napoleon in a theater and the people inside this place make for a few good laughs as well. We even get one guy who keeps losing his passion but Misty finally gets him to the bathroom where an elderly woman eventually walks in on them. There are countless scenes here that just work and most of it is due to the wonderful direction by Metzger who would not only helm this porn movie but countless mainstream flicks including the 1978 remake of THE CAT AND THE CANARY. Metzger has a masterful editing style that makes this film look so professional and it adds so much to the jokes. There's a terrific sequence where Misty is trying to learn to pleasure three people at the same time and he edits this against some other stuff going on and it just makes the joke so obvious and clear that you can't help but laugh. We even get some wonderful jokes aimed at stewardess and various types of things you can do or order on a plane. The acting in any porn film or softcore flick has never been better with Money giving a wonderful performance. You can believe her as this snotty, light hooker but we can also believe everything she's going through in terms of changing. Gills is also extremely fun as the know-it-all who must teach Misty what to do and when. The two have some wonderful chemistry together and how often do you say that in a porn flick? Even the supporting players handle their parts extremely well. Even though this film has a lot of plot it also features the most sex from any of these films from the period. I was surprised to see how much sex there was here but that wasn't a bad thing because it either worked as comedy or was very erotic in how it was shot. Typically I don't buy into reputations as I often find myself disagreeing to a certain extent but I think the reputation of this film is right on the mark. It's smart, sexy, witty and just downright fun to watch so it being called the best porn flick is probably true but it's certainly recommend.

Try crossing My Fair Lady with Deep Throat and you'll end up with "The Opening of Misty Beethoven", a porn film with good production values, surprisingly decent acting, and a young, knockout female lead actress.

This film could never have been made today where all you see are numerous gynecological closeups with copious amounts of spewing bodily fluids. Instead you are treated to an imaginative film with a lot of laughs wrapped around enough sex to earn it's XXX rating.

Constance Money, worth seeing in this film by herself, plays the Eliza Doolittle role as the classless gum popping French street hooker (Misty Beethoven) who gives hand jobs in a dingy Paris movie theater. Jamie Gillis plays the Henry Higgins part as Dr Seymour Love, willing to take on Misty and turn her from this cheap trollop into a high class "Goldenrod Girl" with the help of Jacqueline Beaudant (a female Colonel Pickering?).

There are some very funny sequences on the adult airlines and in the training sequences which brought to mind the "Rocky" films. The sex is not of the grind house variety that you find in most XXX films but it is highly erotic, entertaining and with Ms. Money, surprisingly romantic. This is a jewel of an erotic film.