- Barney Donahue: You know how often my wife tried to get me to get rid of this car? Well that's German machinery for you. The car outlasted her.
- [At the Guest Back Room of Gallagher's Steak House, Michael Bannon welcomes the racers]
- Bannon: Ladies, Gentlemen, you have been selected because you have the necessary skills. You are here because you have the determination to suceed. Now, it won't be as easy as last year. There are some who will use any means to try and stop us. Some of you won't make it. For those of you who do, there'll be no glory, no headlines. But... just a few magic hours flat out against the red line, with no catalytic converter and no 55 mile-an-hour speed limit.
- [Guests chuckles]
- Bannon: Ladies and gentlemen... The Gumball Rally has begun!
- [Guests cheers and applauds; Smith taps glass to quiet them down]
- Smith: Um, for those of you who never done this before, I think I better go over the rules. Um, first thing to remember is there are no rules.
- [Guests laughs]
- Smith: The first vehicle to reach the parking lot of the Queen Mary in Long Beach is the winner, the unofficial winner, as this is an unofficial race. And, uh, so it follows thst none of us are in this race. We don't want any civilian involvement. No accidents, please. Remember, it's 2,900 miles. That, 34 hours and 11 minutes, is the record, set last year by our dear friend, Mr. Bannon.
- [Guest cheer as Graves shakes Michael's hand]
- Smith: Now I know we all oughta get some rest tonight, but, uh, may I? I'd like to propose a toast... to internal combustion and wind in the face.
- [Franco, Smith, and the crew are at a service station checking out the Ferrari when a woman in a Mercedes-Benz 280SL convertible arrives]
- Franco's Date: [to the attendant] Um, fill her up, please.
- Smith: [to the crew] Shut it off. Shut it off!
- Franco: [approaching the woman] Hello.
- Franco's Date: Hello.
- Franco: Where are you going?
- Franco's Date: Los Angeles.
- Franco: Driving all night?
- Franco's Date: Yes.
- Franco: Alone?
- Franco's Date: Yes.
- Franco: You like-a me?
- Franco's Date: Yes.
- Franco: Excuse-a one moment. Don't go away.
- Bannon: [Answering telephone] Hi, Sam.
- Prof. Samuel Graves - Cobra Team: Bannon?
- Bannon: It's on, we're go.
- Prof. Samuel Graves - Cobra Team: [about the Gumball Rally] Look, I've been giving this matter a lot of thought, and... look, you don't have anything to lose. I mean, to you this thing is just a stunt! I've got a position at this university. I've got a shot at tenure... all I have to do is stay out of trouble a couple more years, I'll be set for life. I can't risk that!
- Bannon: It's not a risk... it's a challenge.
- Jane - Porsche Team: Alright, the lights are set to 32 miles per hour, just keep going on Sepulveda!
- Alice - Porsche Team: OK, hang on!
- [starts to downshift and floor the throttle]
- Alice - Porsche Team: [Two motorcycle cops pull up on either side to check out the girls, and Alice holds up] Smile!
- Jane - Porsche Team: How fast are we going now?
- Alice - Porsche Team: [with a large fake smile on her face] 32 miles an hour.
- Andy McAllister - Mercedes Team: Sedately Barney, as befits our years and station in life.
- [Barney squeals tires as they leave the parking lot]
- Roscoe: [looking up at the sky] Why! Why me!
- Voice from above: You're an asshole, Roscoe. That's why.
- Prof. Samuel Graves - Cobra Team: From the garage to the Jersey Turnpike, six minutes, fifty-eight seconds. That's fifteen seconds better than last year.
- Barney Donahue: [as Lapchik passes them] Would you say that man Lapchik has a certain "joie de vivre"?
- Andy McAllister - Mercedes Team: I'd say he's possessed of a severe case of masochism!
- Franco's Date: [When Franco climbs into his roadster, he rips out the rear view mirror] Why did you do that?
- Franco: What's behind me is not important!
- Gibson - Camaro Team: [their Camaro is running hot] Jeez, can't we turn off the heater?
- Ace Preston: Either the engine gets hot, or we get hot!
- Gibson - Camaro Team: Well, I'm about to have a stroke!
- Ace Preston: A stroke? I should be so lucky!
- Barney Donahue: Andy, I need an inspiration.
- Andy McAllister - Mercedes Team: Yeah, it's that time of the morning.
- Barney Donahue: Something to make the blood *hot*.
- Andy McAllister - Mercedes Team: [pulls out a bottle] What would you say to a bit of Henry the Fifth?
- Barney Donahue: Ah, you're a mind reader!
- Chopper Pilot: Sir? We can't catch 'em.
- Roscoe: Whaddaya mean?
- Chopper Pilot: They must be doing 180. We don't even have a fixed-wing that'll go that fast!