Machines à tuer

I'm from Texas so I thought I knew big hair, but the female villain in this movie had humongous hair. Whenever she was on the screen I couldn't concentrate on anything but her hair. Take about stage presence! There seemed to be a lot of people with hearing problems in this movie also. There was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket who somehow didn't notice the owner plunging toward the car screaming at the top of his lungs until he hit the car. Then there was a guy in a phone booth who couldn't hear a huge bulldozer coming at him until it was 5 feet away. All the hit men in this movie seemed a bit deaf, no one had to sneak up on them. The one handed 'hero' of this movie was so whiny and ineffective that it was funny. The bar-fight was pretty funny. There is a priceless scene where the hero and his girlfriend just had sex and judging from their expressions, it wasn't good for either one of them. It made me laugh out loud. This movie is on the 50 Movie Pack Martial Arts set if you want to see a lot of bad movies (with a few decent ones).

Death Machines. This old classic action film in a kind of tale of a difference...

This movie asks us what the plot is all about? Well basically, it's all to do with these highly trained assassins who work for some mysterious chinese woman who sends them out to terminate anyone who stands in her way...

Have you got it..? Well, to me that film was dull in some parts especially those "machines" that don't even say a word in this film. Yep! They just basically going round killing people left, right and centre..

Another thing that bothers me was that when the film finished, the three men just stood there as they're making their way off somewhere.. I don't know where.. But, as me the viewer, it didn't say "The End" to say that the film has finished. It just plays the music and the men are just standing there like a bunch of bananas..

Well, if you ever see that film, see what you think..? You may the plot but you'll never know the ending...

"Death Machines" is a wonderfully precocious bit of bad movie nonsense, director Paul Kyriazi really lets a scene play out to it's conclusion, however unpleasant. There is a scene were two idiots destroy the world's crummiest dive bar. Kyriazi captures the dull poignancy of this act of stupid violence, it's an idiotic, mean thing to do, but at least they care enough to do it.

The story involves a Dragon Lady (Mari Honjo, in a one shot performance of a lifetime Carol Burnett could not touch) who are developing some machine like marital arts killers for use by an evil syndicate, problems arise when the killers learn to think for themselves. There's a pair of refreshingly plain lovers who are only trying to find a little happiness in a world where Death Machines come along and run right over you. A not by the book cop tries his best against all odds.

it's really hard for me to imagine how someone could not enjoy "Death Machines." It is quite cheap, and the final freeze frame suggest they just ran out of time and money and couldn't finish the credits.

If you remember the great Lee Marvin movie "Point Blank" you'll recognize the "pipe-smoking assassin" character originally played by James B. Sikking. As you watch "Death Machines" you find yourself constantly reminded of some of the great scenes or clichés you've seen in other movies. It's almost as if the makers just grabbed a handful of as much fun stuff as they could remember from other movies and tossed it all into one. Of course it makes for one very silly and (in that context) very entertaining movie. Can you see actress Mari Honjo actually biting the blood capsule after she is shot? Clearly this is one of the reasons she has never been seen on the screen again. Or anywhere else, at least lately. C'mon, how can you not appreciate a movie with a one-armed bartender?

Director Paul Kyriazis' "Death Machines" is so unrelentingly silly and incompetent as to rate as a true hall of fame see-it-to-believe-how-bad-it-is turkey. It's so silly, in fact, that one has to wonder if the filmmakers had their tongues in their cheeks the entire time. Now, granted, it could have been even more entertaining on a lovably clunky level, as it's somewhat overextended, but sometimes the padding is absurd enough to generate some real chuckles.

This martial arts / action / exploitation piece of sludge stars Ron Marchini, a student of Bruce Lee who also produced the film, as one of three "death machines" (the other two are a black and an Asian) who've been given a drug that controls their minds, and apparently also makes them impervious to bullets. Thus they make handy assassins for Madame Lee (Mari Honjo, who sports an enormous wig and whose facial expressions are truly gut busting), a dragon lady villainess. But when the trio of killers massacre the students at a karate school, the lone survivor, Frank Thomas (charisma-free John Lowe), vows vengeance. Good old Frank's not about to let the fact that they chopped off his hand deter him at all.

So much of this is gloriously goofy. Let's start with our "hero", Mr. Thomas, who actually gets his ass handed to him by a rowdy old barfly. Yet somehow this turns on Mr. Thomas' new lady friend! One incredibly, deliciously moronic set piece has Marchini sitting down for a nice nourishing burger at a restaurant and being hassled by annoying bikers. Another fine bit of comedy has a target for assassination, a bank manager, handcuffed to his file cabinet while a time bomb in his office ticks away - yet his secretary takes her sweet time while helping out.

From the super funky and funny music score by Don Hulette (dig that piano during a fight scene) to the thoroughly amateurish acting, "Death Machines" sizes up as a real hoot and a half. If you love silly schlock, you know you're going to be in for a good time with those opening credits. And it all leads up to a resolution that will leave you with a smile on your face. As low budget '70s cheese goes, this is a movie worth a look.

Seven out of 10.