Curse of Bigfoot

My brother and I also enjoyed making fun of how bad this film was back when channel 9 showed it every two months or so in the mid to late seventies. Remember the incredible delivery of the girl talking to her dog, reminiscent of that "What? Sandwiches again?" commercial about learning to drive a tractor-trailer? I mainly recall the moment when they pull the plate covering the ancient tomb off and gas spurts out, with the leader of the expedition a full thirty seconds later surmising that the gas might be coming from a hole. I wonder if that scene was in any way an inspiration for Steven Spielberg in the equivalent scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" when ... never mind.

A short (terrible) student film from the '60s is combined with some mid-'70s (also terrible) docudrama footage about Bigfoot and the result is this classic late-night insomniacs' favorite! The "monster" featured in the original flick is NOT Bigfoot, but rather some kind of mummy thing unearthed by a bunch of stupid teenagers digging in an Indian burial ground. A lot of very (unintentionally) funny dialogue and some of the worst acting ever committed to celluloid are highlights of the '60s footage, and make this sleep-inducing film worth watching.

THE CURSE OF BIGFOOT and TEENAGERS BATTLE THE THING are actually two different films. From what I can make out, TEENAGERS BATTLE THE THING was made in 1958. A VHS tape was released in 1997. It's in black and white and runs 60 minutes. I don't believe this version was ever released theatrically. THE CURSE OF BIGFOOT added newly-shot footage (some of it being needless padding) to the beginning and end of the film, leaving the TBTT footage basically intact in the middle. The new introductory scenes, shot over a decade later, use one of the actors from TBTT as a guest lecturer in a high school classroom. He recounts his amazing story of his encounter with Bigfoot. The TBTT scenes are then used as a flashback. Either version of the film is fun, although the new framing footage in BIGFOOT is a hilarious plus.

How does one even begin to describe a movie this awful? I'd first seen Curse of Bigfoot one Saturday afternoon way back in the late 70's with some of my brothers and friends . Even as a dopey teenager I realized that this movie was somehow VERY different than all the other "Godzilla" and "Creature Feature" movies we would make fun of and add our own dialogue to (yes, we WERE Mystery Science Theater 3000 before it ever existed). It was just SO HORRIBLY bad that it actually left an impression on you.......like a Mack truck does when it runs over your face. I did a Google search and couldn't believe I could now own this wretched movie.

I sat down with my wife (whom I excitedly told over and over again how bad/ funny this movie was) and for the first time in more than 25 years "experienced" Curse of Bigfoot. Just as I remembered, it was the most boring piece of garbage ever put on film.

First of all, imagine a film where they don't hire an editor. It seems that EVERY piece of film shot for this movie (including outtakes, flubs, and any other time the camera might have been accidentally left in the "on" position) was stitched together, in sequential order or not."Don't worry Jimmy if you have a temporary case of dyslexia with that line, just keep going. We'll use it somewhere in the picture!" Obviously the director thought (in his own mind, sadly) that he was creating SUCH an "every frame could be a postcard" cinematic achievement that he didn't want to see any valuable frames left on the cutting room floor. Everything moves at a super slow motion speed, also. The few motor vehicles shown NEVER go more than 5 mph. I think the gear boxes were ripped out the night before just so it would be impossible to go faster than "idle".....and to not give any of the "amateur hour" actors a means of escape off the set of this ticking time bomb of boredom.

Now imagine an entire cast, and no doubt crew, who look like they don't even want to have anything to do with this film. Almost as if being there were the raw end of a losing wager, or maybe the final humiliating prank before joining a fraternity. The acting (more like "bad cue card reading") is also a thing of beauty. "Method" acting? Try Methadone acting. No emotion, no feeling, and barely any eye contact. It seems as if everyone just wants to say their lines like a robot and get the heck home.

And being a serious amateur photographer myself, let me tell you about the fine cinematography. They probably had only a week to shoot this entire movie (before word got out to the authorities / film reviewers/ investors about how REALLY awful this disaster was turning out ) so there are plenty of "let's squeeze every ounce out of daylight we can and just keep shooting no matter what" type scenes scattered all over this thing, including those super cheap "let's shoot this night scene in broad daylight and just add a dark blue filter over the lens to fool our way less sophisticated than us audience into thinking it's really dark" visual tricks. It's a miracle anyone actually remembered to take their sunglasses off. And how many shots of looking up at the top of trees, or slowly panning through bushes (trying to maybe remotely cause some accidental suspense) can one movie have!?! If these scenes alone were cut the movie would probably be only 15 or 20 minutes long.

The background music, or whatever that sound is keeping you awake through this exercise of unending visual and mental torture, has all the rhythm and snappy beat of a machine gun firing at close range over your head. It's about as memorable as verses 62 and 61 of "99 Bottles of Beer".

You're probably wondering if there are any Special Effects in Curse of Bigfoot. If using someone else's stock footage of 45 or so logs rolling into the water, one after the other, after the other, after the other, after the other, is what you call "special" then march right into the boss's office and demand a raise because this IS your lucky day! And how about earth moving vehicles? Have you waited all your life to see a Bigfoot movie with earth moving vehicles in it!? Pinch yourself......hard, because you're NOT dreaming. Watch them going into a ravine about 10 or 20 stories deep. Maybe it's a mass grave for all those who had anything to do with this film (including all original negatives and prints).It's at about this point in the film that the normal person would start cursing up a blue streak, wanting to know exactly what the heck they're supposed to be watching. Maybe this is where the "Curse" in Curse of Bigfoot comes from. Maybe the original title was simply "Bigfoot".

And what about the actual bigfoot itself? Imagine a drunken homeless guy sprawling around from scene to scene, dressed in an old Halloween paper mache mask looking for a handout. Tape on some of grandma's old wigs to a hockey mask, plop in a ping pong ball in one of the eye sockets for a "creepy" bulging eye, spray paint everything sorta black and red, and you have one the most embarrassing attempts at horror since the Kerry-Edwards ticket.

A movie like this is so fascinating to watch because it dawns on you (in those rare fleeting moments of lucidity) that someone thought they were actually making a GOOD movie. One that people might want to tell everyone they knew to go see, and maybe see over and over again. This IS one of those movies, but sadly not for the reasons they'd hoped for.

In the tradition of such celebrated anticlassics as THEY SAVED HITLER'S BRAIN and VAMPIRE MEN OF THE LOST PLANET, this mongrel concoction haphazardly conjoins a barely released amateur monster movie of the early 60s(about a student archaeological field excavation besieged by a resurrected mummy monster) with a noticeably more recently filmed wraparound involving Sasquatch lore. The older material is modestly amusing in the praxis of regional horror schlock, but the add-on seems to be both a means of padding this garbage to fit TV time slots, as well as a feeble attempt to incorporate Bigfoot into the story(a wet squib topic highly marketable at the time).

A positively horrible Scotch tape and rubber-band mess, although the older part has a naive, campy charm...sadly, fate would decree its unfortunate metamorphosis as a component to this throwaway picture. 2.5/10