- Nicholas Parsons: Are Thames executives against attractive nude women?
- Fred Scuttle: Not as often as they'd like to be!
- Honey: [referring to Martha's husband] Girls at college adore him. Doesn't it ever worry you, him chasing after girls?
- Martha: Honey, I have a dog that chases after cars. But if he caught one
- Martha: [shouting out the kitchen door at her husband] HE COULDN'T DRIVE THE DAMN THING!
- Commercial voiceover: Been having late night snacks again? That's a washing up job.
- Woman Washing Dishes: [cheerfully] Not really. You see, I use Sunbright Lemon Liquid.
- Commercial voiceover: Sunbright?
- Woman Washing Dishes: Yes. Sunbright. Makes everything so lovely and clean.
- Commercial voiceover: Clean?
- Woman Washing Dishes: Yes. It contains lemon juice.
- Commercial voiceover: Lemon Juice?
- Woman Washing Dishes: Yes, Lemon juice. That's what gives it its nice sparkle.
- Commercial voiceover: Sparkle?
- Woman Washing Dishes: Yes, sparkle. Makes everything come up lovely and fresh.
- Commercial voiceover: Fresh?
- Woman Washing Dishes: [completely irritated] Yes, fresh, are you bloody stupid or something?
- Mervyn Cruddy: I don't care what anybody says, you know, about these common-market Romeos, for my money the greatest lover in the world is the Englishman.
- Andree Melly: Well, surely it's the Frenchman who has that reputation, the way he'll kiss a girls hand, and then her cheek, her neck, and then here ears...
- Mervyn Cruddy: By that time, the Englishman's coming home from his honeymoon, I'd say!
- Sheriff Bill Jardine: Hey, do we know Ace Dickey?
- Deputy Leroy: Yeah. Did five years for statutory rape.
- Sheriff Bill Jardine: Why now, anybody who rapes a statue deserves what he gets!
- Traveller: I say, is this Platt's Bottom?
- Toddy: No, it's not, it's mine!
- Traveller: Well, where do I find Platt's Bottom?
- Toddy: Well, you don't start from there!
- Traveller: Well, which direction is it?
- Toddy: I don't know.
- Paddy: Me neither.
- Traveller: You're not very bright, are you?
- Chirpy Chuckles: No, but we ain't lost!
- [Andree Melly talks to Mervyn Cruddy at the N.F.T]
- Andree Melly: I think for me, the most memorable moment in films was when you played the doctor to that sick family.
- Mervyn Cruddy: "Inherit the Wind." Yes, I remember.
- Andree Melly: Opposite Margaret Lockwood's nurse . . .
- Mervyn Cruddy: That's right. Yes, I know what you're going to say, the scene in the operating theatre.
- Andree Melly: That's the scene. You kissed her when she least expected it.
- Mervyn Cruddy: I beg your pardon?
- Andree Melly: You kissed her when she least expected it.
- Mervyn Cruddy: Oh, I thought you said 'where'.
- Henry McGee: [referring to Scuttle's fellow astronaut] How old is he?
- Captain Fred Scuttle: Fifty-eight. He's a late developer.
- Henry McGee: He looks older.
- Captain Fred Scuttle: Well, he worries a lot.
- Martha: Today's our anniversary.
- George: Oh, it's our anniversary. Big... deal!
- Martha: Do you remember our wedding night? You were so eager you didn't give me time to take my stockings off.
- George: Tonight you'll have time enough to knit yourself a pair.
- Martha: [throws something at him] You skunk!
- Fanny Craddock: But first of all, we must put in just a little tiny spot of absinthe.
- Johnny Craddock: 'Cause absinthe makes the heart grow fonder!
- Director Sam Speiler: [reminiscing about an actress who was in one of his films] Oh God, she couldn't sing, she couldn't dance, she couldn't act . . .
- Lesley Goldie: Well, what could she do?
- Director Sam Speiler: With difficulty, stand up!
- George: Why don't you lace up your mouth and rent your head out as a football? Men like me don't grow on trees.
- Martha: No, they swing from them!
- [repeated lines, with Benny as a man with a heavy Chinese accent, and Bob Todd as an Indian gentleman who politely misunderstands almost everything]
- Chinese Man: Don't you know the Queen's English?
- Indian Man: Oh, I'm sure she is.
- Various: A shy young maid came down to stay down at our village inn./ The bedroom light was oh so bright, the curtain oh so thin./ At nine o'clock she enters her room, at half past nine she sleeps./ Lord Clarendon walks quickly by, But naughty Samuel Pepys.