How to Make a Doll

A nerdy professor and his lecherous sleazy old man lab partner build robotic ladies cause he can't get any in real life.They use a machine that makes the most annoying sounds I have EVER heard (well besides those that emanate from Al Franklin i mean). Supremely unfunny, boring, horribly acted, and a tedious LONG chore to sit through, all combine to make this one of the worst comedies that I have EVER seen. I hated this as much as Doctore Gore. And that, my friend, is a lot. This movie can be found as a bonus second feature on Something Weird's "Doctor Gore" DVD (Yet another reason never to buy said DVD EVER)

My Grade: F

How to Make a Doll (1968)

* (out of 4)

A nerdy professor (Robert Wood) knows absolutely nothing about women, love, sex or anything that deals with the opposite sex. He goes to see another scientist who just happens to have created a machine that can make beautiful women.

Herschell Gordon Lewis' HOW TO MAKE A DOLL is a pretty boring film that's not going to appeal to too many people. The director will always be best known for his Blood Trilogy but he also made a great number of children's movies as well as softcore sex pictures. This one here seems like a mix between the two but those who enjoy the director's sex pictures will be disappointed that there's not even a hint of nudity here.

I'll be honest and admit that I'm really not sure who this film was aimed at. As a comedy there were a few funny bits but certainly not enough to fill up the 81 minute running time. After a while the nerdy scientist becomes rather boring as does the film. Even when the beautiful women show up there's just nothing overly thrilling seeing them in bathing suits. Again, I'm sure someone paid to watch this back in the day but it's pretty boring today.

Alright, here's my theory, Herschell's name ending up on this nightmare had to be the result of his loss of some drunken poker game he had going with Brad Grinter, one night. Herschell lost, didn't have the money to pay up, so he allowed Grinter to use his name, to spare him the humiliation of the world finding out he's mentally retarded. Otherwise, who Knows what Grinter would have had to take credit for. But seriously, if you consider something like Year of the Yahoo or Blast-off girls to be bad, then you just haven't been searching hard enough, because How to make a doll is the absolute lowest of the low, at least as far as the work of Herschell Gordon Lewis goes. This movie will make Jimmy, The boy wonder look real interesting, real fast, Well, anyway, here goes...

The ridiculousness starts at the very beginning, it's about a little professor guy, Percy, he doesn't know of anything other than science and math, a 32 year old virgin who lives with his mother. I love how they play that "frustrated virgin" theme song when ever Percy is driving that thing he drives. A mere babe in the woods when it comes to the relationship between B and G, boy and girl, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. To make matters worse, Percy's mother is Rodneys mother from The Gruesome Twosome, so you know she's a hand full. If you haven't seen the Gruesome Twosome, it's actually 150,000 times better than this pile of pointlessness. Percy, being a frustrated virgin, who considers himself a creep, only really needs the companionship of a nice young lady. Percy would prefer the nice young lady at least be a real person, but, let's be honest, beggars can't be choosers. In a shocking plot twist, Percys scientist friend figures out a way to create artificial women, with some irritating machine. Is this Percys big chance to finally get a little experience with the opposite sex? Or does the machine just make a bunch of irritating noises that makes us feel like fools for buying such garbage? Buy Dr. Gore to find out.

Yikes!! We have quite a mess on our hands here, don't we? As far as I know, this is the worst film Herschell Lewis ever made, if not, then that's just sad. I'll be perfectly honest, when I watch this, I usually stop paying attention around the 20 minute mark, up until I replace the DVD with something watchable, like Decampitated. Like I said, This can be found, as an extra, on the Dr. Gore DVD from Something Weird Video. Dr. Gore should be the extra, because, believe it or not, it manages to be less entertaining than this one, how does that happen? How to make a Doll offers humor that juvenile doesn't even begin to describe, not to mention the countless hours of silly noises and scenes where nothing at all happens, really!! You got to be a veteran bad movie watcher to make it through this one. For something watchable, that doesn't involve gore, from Herschell Lewis check out Moonshine Mountain. For more Florida Bore check out Scream, Baby, Scream. for something worse than How to Make a Doll, check out Zombie '90. Sweet Jeepers, this movie sucks. 1/10

While the whimsically weird, Low-Fi Sci-fi, artificially fabricated farce 'How to Make a Doll' by the venerable Gorefather Herschell Gordon Lewis is, perhaps, not one of Florida's foremost fear-makers most talked about feature films for good reason, since it is, quite frankly, undeniably silly, and yet, that being said, the microbudget maestro's quick-buck crowd teaser remains a scintillatingly strange, fitfully funny, goofy cosmic-age comedy about how the amorous frustrations of an uncommonly square brain-box professor are mechanically alleviated by the Promethean capabilities of a crazy computerized glamour girl-making, leviathan-sized gizmo! This bizarrely burbling, wickedly warbling, room-sized, babe-making, jumped-up typewriter magically manifests a perfectly perky, plastically permissive Playboy Pet for this terminally loveless simp to sordidly satiate his long latent lusts! His rampant, albeit clumsy ardour actively encouraged by this robotically randy, switched-on, super-swinging, sympathetically synthetic strumpet! Put simply, this is the charmingly well-thumbed, cross-wired tale of boy makes girl, girl makes boy, beleaguered boy runs away from this oversexed, sensually synchromeshed sex-bot, and finally settles down with a nice, respectably bespectacled girl replete with disarmingly fluffy bunny ears, and a deliciously Pom-Pom'd, perfectly picturesque bot! 'How To Make a Girl' is an eerily prescient film, fearlessly foreshadowing the existential complexities of so unthinkingly creating a rogue, hyper-sexualized A. I., the myriad dangers borne of manufacturing a synthetically sensual, inventively inquisitive, unquestioningly pliable, consistently reliable, bodaciously bonking, soft-bodied simulacra, and resolutely reaffirming that the lurid love of a lap-headed lovely conquers all! 'How to Make a Doll' proved to be far more of a contemplative, consciousness-raising opus than I had initially expected it to be!

Nothing makes sense, Nobody can act, there's mostly one single room that looks like a unfinished Star Trek Original set and I love it. It sucks 100% but there's so much bizzare things said and happening, it's a feast. It's sexist af but who watches HGL films for their political correctnes? Just enjoy it, shut your brain off with whatever you like to take and get ready to laugh your ass off.