Unkissed Bride

Ted (ex-Mouseketeer Tommy Kirk) is a button-down sort of guy who is petrified of having sex with his new wife, Marge (Anne Helm). He faints on his wedding night; Marge would rather read Little Red Riding Hood anyway. He visits a doctor who explains this fear as the "Mother Goose complex." The doc suggests he and Marge spend their honeymoon at the Sheraton Towers hotel in Hollywood, which is run by a smarmy Lothario, Mr. Philippe (Jacques Bergerac).

The remedy for Ted's problem is an atomizer filled with an LSD-like substance -- "A mild psychedelic drug," the doc says -- which Ted must inhale when he stresses over sex. During inane dream sequences, he sees characters from Jack and the Beanstalk and The Three Little Pigs. Eventually, Ted regains his manhood after several unfunny sight gags and leering sex jokes.

UNKISSED BRIDE is a would-be zany comedy that falls flat in almost every department. Tommy Kirk tries hard and is very sincere, but this film is a good indication of why his career went nowhere as an adult. His next stops on the downside ride included Larry Buchanan's MARS NEEDS WOMEN and the fiasco called BLOOD OF GHASTLY HORROR.

To his credit, in UNKISSED BRIDE Kirk makes an effort here to shake off his Mousey image. He smoke cigarettes, gets drunk, gropes women, and even sings the swingin' title tune. I wonder what must have gone through his mind as he belted out lyrics like, "Cut me loose, Mother Goose . . . Just quack and get off my back . . . "

This film didn't need Tommy's involvement to be stupefyingly dumb. For example, Bergerac plays a character who talks to ladies' asses, and Henny Youngman plays himself at a drive-in. The best joke involves an African savage in full native regalia objecting to the wild dancing at a nightclub.

You've been warned.

This film is also known as "Mother Goose-A-Go-Go" which I think is a better title as it is about a young groom (Tommy Kirk from Old Yeller of all things) who is obsessed with Mother Goose nursery rhymes, a problem which messes up his love life with his new bride. The film almost has an experimental feel to it. There are several points where you may ask yourself "Are they serious?" What makes the film even stranger is that it is mostly done with a straight face. It has a cheap look to it but there is a cool, nostalgic scene set in a 1960s night club. It's hard to tell what the producers had in mind when they made this. The final result though can only be described as "weird!"

"Unkissed Bride" is a very, very broad comedy. When I say broad, I mean that it's low-brow and appeals to the dopier part within us. So, when goofy things occur, it's often accompanied by silly sound effects such as 'boing'! This is NOT an intellectually stimulating film by anyone's standards! But is it funny? More about that later in my review.

The film has a very simple plot. On his wedding night, Ted (Tommy Kirk) discovers that he's struck impotent and unable to consummate his marriage. So, he goes in search of a psychiatrist (the sexy, very well-endowed variety in this case) and works through his various issues. What this means is that there are a variety of skits and fantasy sequences about sex. Yet, oddly, for a sex film, there really isn't any sex--just lots of suggestive situations and gorgeous women. And to facilitate these flashbacks, the psychiatrist uses drugs....lots and lots of drugs. It's very much a portrait of the times--and the liberalization of films and mores.

As for the film, it's jokes are mostly hit and miss--with a strong emphasis on MISS! In some ways, it comes off as a much, much, much cheaper version of "Amazon Women on the Moon" as well as "Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)". The music is rather cheap and sometimes sounds like the stuff you might expect to hear in a 60s burlesque house. The acting is generally very cheesy and the script isn't exactly deep. In many ways, I think it's a film teenage boys would like a lot more than adults. It's much more a weird film as opposed to being a good film! Actually, now that I think about it, it is awfully dumb.

This is absolutely the SILLIEST movie I ever saw! And i did NOT find it funny in the slightest, just annoying in parts. Two characters in the movie, the hotel detective, and a blonde woman who keeps calling the Frenchman on the phone, saying she's waiting for him are especially irritating, and a little of Both of them goes a long way, but unfortunately, both are in there nearly to the end. There is a Keystone Cops atmosphere to it, and they actually under cranked the camera in several of Tommy Kirk's scenes, making the action sped up, which looks even sillier. I didn't even get a chuckle out of this ridiculous fare. I will say that Tommy Kirk singing Mother Goose a Go Go is rather a treat, as his singing voice is excellent. The most romantic part of the movie, in my opinion, is when Ted is climbing the hotel wall to get to his very upset bride, and he does say some romantic lines to her. But the whole movie really makes no sense at all.

This was the only film Jack H. Harris directed and it's a good thing he never directed again. He also wrote it and the script is terrible. The actors look like they are improvising the entire time and there is no comic timing at all. Tommy Kirk looks uncomfortable kissing a woman and I was uncomfortable having to look at his nipples several times. This should have been a campy fun film, but it is just a silly bore.