Unkissed Bride

This is absolutely the SILLIEST movie I ever saw! And i did NOT find it funny in the slightest, just annoying in parts. Two characters in the movie, the hotel detective, and a blonde woman who keeps calling the Frenchman on the phone, saying she's waiting for him are especially irritating, and a little of Both of them goes a long way, but unfortunately, both are in there nearly to the end. There is a Keystone Cops atmosphere to it, and they actually under cranked the camera in several of Tommy Kirk's scenes, making the action sped up, which looks even sillier. I didn't even get a chuckle out of this ridiculous fare. I will say that Tommy Kirk singing Mother Goose a Go Go is rather a treat, as his singing voice is excellent. The most romantic part of the movie, in my opinion, is when Ted is climbing the hotel wall to get to his very upset bride, and he does say some romantic lines to her. But the whole movie really makes no sense at all.

Ted (ex-Mouseketeer Tommy Kirk) is a button-down sort of guy who is petrified of having sex with his new wife, Marge (Anne Helm). He faints on his wedding night; Marge would rather read Little Red Riding Hood anyway. He visits a doctor who explains this fear as the "Mother Goose complex." The doc suggests he and Marge spend their honeymoon at the Sheraton Towers hotel in Hollywood, which is run by a smarmy Lothario, Mr. Philippe (Jacques Bergerac).

The remedy for Ted's problem is an atomizer filled with an LSD-like substance -- "A mild psychedelic drug," the doc says -- which Ted must inhale when he stresses over sex. During inane dream sequences, he sees characters from Jack and the Beanstalk and The Three Little Pigs. Eventually, Ted regains his manhood after several unfunny sight gags and leering sex jokes.

UNKISSED BRIDE is a would-be zany comedy that falls flat in almost every department. Tommy Kirk tries hard and is very sincere, but this film is a good indication of why his career went nowhere as an adult. His next stops on the downside ride included Larry Buchanan's MARS NEEDS WOMEN and the fiasco called BLOOD OF GHASTLY HORROR.

To his credit, in UNKISSED BRIDE Kirk makes an effort here to shake off his Mousey image. He smoke cigarettes, gets drunk, gropes women, and even sings the swingin' title tune. I wonder what must have gone through his mind as he belted out lyrics like, "Cut me loose, Mother Goose . . . Just quack and get off my back . . . "

This film didn't need Tommy's involvement to be stupefyingly dumb. For example, Bergerac plays a character who talks to ladies' asses, and Henny Youngman plays himself at a drive-in. The best joke involves an African savage in full native regalia objecting to the wild dancing at a nightclub.

You've been warned.

A pair of newlyweds can't consummate their marriage because the groom passes out whenever he's close to coitus but with the help of a sexy psychiatrist and the liberal doses of LSD she administers with an atomizer, the young man is able to mount ...er, surmount his obsession with Mother Goose stories.

An obscure '60s sex comedy that wallows in innocuous bad taste and stars real-life queer Tommy Kirk as a milquetoast who can't get it up and handsome he-man Jacques Bergerac as his randy contrast. Jacques' got a sexy French accent that makes him hard to understand at times but who cares, he supplies beefcake in spades with a chest as hairy as the bearskin rug he lies on and it's easy to see what got Ginger & Dottie hot. He's also the owner of the resort hotel the couple are honeymooning at and even the house dick falls for him after ending up in the Frenchman's arms during a brawl. L.A. radio personality Joe Pynes (who dat?) plays himself as does Henny Youngman in a cameo at the drive-in where this movie most likely unspooled. The wholesomely attractive TV actress Anne Helm (a poor man's Annette Funicello) plays the frustrated frau but it's a former Miss Canada, Danica D'Hondt, who takes the cheesecake as Kirk's shapely shrink. Although shot on the cheap using one location, there's an un-PC night out on the town at the Hollywood A Go-Go that climaxes in drunk driving for laughs and Barbara McNair's on hand (or at least her voice is) to sing "Queen Of Soul". Tommy croons the title tune, "Mother Goose A Go-Go" ("You're a quack/Get off my back"). Oh, brother.

Jacques Bergerac, star of stage, screen, and tabloid scandal, was a tall, dark, and handsome staple on '60s TV in such shows as ALFRED HITCHCCOCK PRESENTS, PERRY MASON, DANIEL BOONE, and BATMAN. The strapping 6'3" actor was like a suave, Gallic version of Mike Henry and if he'd made only THE HYPNOTIC EYE, it would have been enough. Married to Oscar winners Ginger Rogers and Dorothy Malone (but not at the same time), his career never scaled those heights but he did become an executive at Revlon after retiring from show biz.

This film is also known as "Mother Goose-A-Go-Go" which I think is a better title as it is about a young groom (Tommy Kirk from Old Yeller of all things) who is obsessed with Mother Goose nursery rhymes, a problem which messes up his love life with his new bride. The film almost has an experimental feel to it. There are several points where you may ask yourself "Are they serious?" What makes the film even stranger is that it is mostly done with a straight face. It has a cheap look to it but there is a cool, nostalgic scene set in a 1960s night club. It's hard to tell what the producers had in mind when they made this. The final result though can only be described as "weird!"

This was the only film Jack H. Harris directed and it's a good thing he never directed again. He also wrote it and the script is terrible. The actors look like they are improvising the entire time and there is no comic timing at all. Tommy Kirk looks uncomfortable kissing a woman and I was uncomfortable having to look at his nipples several times. This should have been a campy fun film, but it is just a silly bore.