The Cremators

Oh good grief.

Low production values. Special effects that are twenty years out of date. Dull and sometimes flailing direction. Humble and bland writing. A monster movie with a rather unimaginative monster. The transparent themes of human consumption of resources and destruction of life are admirable, but can 100% be found in other, far better films. We've seen this film both before and since, many times over, and done in ways that were better and more interesting. There are few standards by which 'The cremators' isn't a dud.

I guess the filming locations are nice. Some parts of the music would be okay if they weren't so repetitive; others are just overdone. The cast do their job on a baseline level. There is a story here, but it's meagerly written, and plot development is piecemeal. Between the sequencing, pacing, and the mere fact of some of the more questionable ideas that were thrown in, a title that is barely over seventy minutes long crawls laboriously. I suppose there are some good ideas here, but are they worth so much as to warrant sitting through an affair that's mostly so uniformly taxing as a viewing experience? I don't think so.

'The cremators' isn't the worst thing you could watch, yet this is a picture that is wholly unable to carry a spark, or build any excitement, even in those moments when it's mostly clearly trying to, including the climax. All the sincere effort that anyone put into it can't overcome a flat tone, weak construction, and notions that couldn't be picked out in a crowd. It's not that it's abjectly bad, but that there's simply no reason to sit for it in the first place. Yawn.

Weird alien life is rolling around and turning people into ash piles. While this sounds like it could be an intriguing premise, don't be fooled this is a truly dull film. Most of the movie involves people talking or just walking around as some shocking reveal music being played anytime there is even a modest advancement in the narrative. The cremation scenes are mostly forgettable with the exception of a few hilarious attempts at acting by some of the victims. But it is not worth even the very short runtime of 75 minutes.

I suppose you could use it as background noise as it will almost never pull your attention away from anything else that you might choose to do.

"The Cremators" is a very, very cheaply made film...and it looks it. The cinematography and editing are inept, the actors are obviously untrained and out of their league, and the special effects.....well, they ARE special...just not in a good way!

In this cheapo movie, there is a giant ball of flaming death that appears when folks pick up weird looking glowing rocks that look a bit like opals. The ball of death rolls over people and leaves ashes behind. And, a bunch of zombie-like actors try to stop it.

Sadly, while this is a very bad film, it's not unintentionally funny like some bad movies. In other words, if you are looking for a laugh, it might not fit that bill. In other words....it's just bad and incredibly dull. In particular, I think the worst thing about it are the edits...which just seem random and often unnecessary....but pretty much everything is bad about this one.

... great balls of crap!

A burning alien sphere crashes to Earth, the only witnesses an Indian and a fish: the Indian was engulfed by the ball and turned to ash; the fish swam away. So begins this utterly atrocious low-budget sci-fi oddity from director Harry Essex, who is perhaps best known for writing '50s sci-fi classic It Came from Outer Space.

The story kicks off proper three centuries after the arrival of the flaming globe, at the lake into which it sank. It is there that entomologist Dr. Iane Thorne (Marvin Howard) discovers strange minerals that glow and make weird beeping sounds; he shows these to his friend and fellow scientist Dr. Willy Seppel (Eric Allison), but neither can figure out what it is they have found. Further samples are found inside the body of the cat belonging to Thorne's long-haired draft dodger pal Mason (Mason Caulfield). Meanwhile, the alien sphere has been emerging from the lake and attacking people, reducing them to cinders. Can Thorne work out what the hell is going on before the viewer falls asleep?

Essex's direction is lifeless, Howard makes for a bland protagonist, and the film's visual effects are far from special (especially considering the man responsible, Doug Beswick, would go on to much better things). Countless cutaways to the bleeping stones pad out the runtime, and there's a dull romance between Thorne and Seppel's niece Jeanne (aria De Aragon) for good measure. The drawn-out finale, which sees Thorne laying a trap for the glowing orange orb, is completely bereft of tension and excitement.

1/10. If you should happen across this film, be like the fish and swim away.

A droning narrator tells us about the legend of THE CREMATORS: Three hundred years ago, giant, flaming cheeezeballs from outer space enjoyed chasing native Americans around, before reducing them to ashes.

Now, Dr. Iane Thorne (Marvin Howard), who writes "bug books", has discovered a glowing rock in his pool, while Mason (aka: "The Hippie") runs around holding cats over his head. Soon, Dr. Thorne is performing a feline autopsy and the local postman is a pile of cinders.

It appears that the rolling orbs of fiery death have returned, for reasons known only to whatever cult of cat-waving hippies threw this "film" together. In no time, unknown non-actors are consumed in flame like so many no-name marshmallows! Romance blooms for Thorne and the first woman he's seen in years. Is there no god in heaven to put a stop to this?

Absurd and terminally dull, this movie is only for those few, brave souls able to withstand a severe brain hammering!

BEWARE: The tedium contained herein could douse the sun! So, wear protective gear!

P. S.- For added "fun", see if you can count the number of times the word "bug" is used!...