- Hawkeye: War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.
- Father Mulcahy: How do you figure, Hawkeye?
- Hawkeye: Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?
- Father Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe.
- Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.
- PA System: Due To circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.
- Radar: My own father didn't have me until he was 63, and the first time we played peek-a-boo together he had a stroke.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: [to Klinger] You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.
- Henry Blake: Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the General?
- Radar: Oh, nobody does, sir.
- Henry Blake: Oh, fine then, if nobody does we don't have to, but make sure we do, just in case we don't.
- [some wounded arrive during the night]
- PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel - we interrupt your sweet dreams to bring you the following nightmare.
- Frank Burns: Attention all Allied personnel! There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one.
- Hawkeye: Very good, Frank.
- B.J.: They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.
- Colonel Flagg: You think you're real smart. But you're not smart; you're dumb. Very dumb. But you've met your match in me.
- Frank Burns: I'm taking this to a higher authority.
- Trapper: Aw, Frank... you're not going to write your mother again.
- Frank Burns: I love it here.
- Col. Potter: Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to figure out which one.
- Col. Potter: [Potter, Hawkeye & BJ are drinking in the Swamp] Y'know, I had a still, on Guam. One night, it blew up!
- [leans forward conspiratorially]
- Col. Potter: That's how I got my Purple Heart.
- Father Mulcahy: [offering to go through the local black market, for needed medicines] You'd be surprised what a priest can get away with.
- [PA Announcement after 3 weeks without wounded]
- PA System: Attention all personnel . Due to a lack of casualties, today's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 in the morning... And midnight has been canceled.
- Frank Burns: It's the way these yellow devils think. It's burned into their brains. Kill Americans, kill, kill. They don't respect human life the way we do. I'd like to take him out and shoot him.
- Klinger: [Klinger enters Potter's office with a giant salami in one hand, and a giant loaf of bread in the other] 50 more pounds, and I'm homeward-bound!
- Col. Potter: You're going to *eat* you way to a discharge?
- Klinger: I call it "Food for Freedom"!
- Col. Potter: I call it "Suicide by Salami"!
- Klinger: I'll take my chances!
- Col. Potter: Okay, when you can't get through that door, come see me.
- Klinger: I'll be wearing a size 30, sir.
- [to Margaret]
- Hawkeye: Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?
- Frank Burns: You disgust me!
- Hawkeye: You're right, Frank... I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting.
- Father Mulcahy: Colonel, an ambulance has turned over in the compound, you better come on the double.
- Col. Potter: Anybody hurt?
- Father Mulcahy: Well, the driver's a bit shaken-up, but he'll be all right.
- Col. Potter: No-one else inside?
- Father Mulcahy: No.
- Col. Potter: Thank God.
- Father Mulcahy: I already did.
- [South Koreans are being taught to speak English]
- Frank Burns: We're making real progress.
- Hawkeye: I can tell. You have a Korean accent.
- Frank Burns: Why don't you guys like me?
- Hawkeye: Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.
- Frank Burns: Aside from that.
- B.J.: Well, there's your pimples.
- Frank Burns: My pores won't close.
- Father Mulcahy: [Some Refugees leave on a truck, Father Mulcahy is handing out the Holy Bible] Here you go kids... just something to read on the way.
- Hawkeye: If you have any questions they have branch offices everywhere.
- Trapper: [after being asked a question] How should I know? I dropped out of school to become a doctor.