- Mr. Rumbold: Let's try to keep it light and gay.
- Mr. Lucas: [to Mr. Humphries] I'll handle the "light" part.
- [repeated line]
- Mr. Grainger: Don't worry if the sleeves are too long, you'll find they'll ride up with wear.
- [Captain Peacock beckons to Mrs Slocombe]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, I do not respond to any man's finger.
- Mr. Grainger: Mrs. Slocombe. I suggest you take your underwear down at once.
- Mr. Lucas: Same goes for Miss Brahms.
- Miss Brahms: Well if England's a such good country you've cracked it up to be. How come then we've got strikes & inflation. Mmm? So what's so good about England then?
- Captain Peacock: I shall tell you what is so good about England Miss Brahms. It is the only country in the world that isn't semi-detached.
- [referring to Miss Brahms's house]
- Captain Peacock: .
- Miss Brahms: I want some excitement, I want to do something with my life. I'm looking for Dallas and all I'm getting is Coronation Street.
- Mr. Humphries: You're lucky. All I'm getting is Jackanory.
- Mrs. Slocombe: You know, I always keep a couple of pound notes tucked away in me knickers, just for emergencies. Unfortunately, last week, I had an emergency.
- Mr. Humphries: Ooh, what happened?
- Mrs. Slocombe: The elastic broke and I dropped one in the Haymarket and it blew off down the street. Two seconds later, the other one followed it.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [into phone] Yes.
- [pause]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Yes.
- [pause]
- Mrs. Slocombe: I will.
- [hangs up phone]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock?
- Captain Peacock: Yes?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Apparently Miss Belfridge is in one of the fitting rooms, and Mr. Rumbold requires her in his office.
- Miss Brahms: She must have got in early!
- Mrs. Slocombe: She's no right to be there without my permission.
- Captain Peacock: Or mine. Get her out of there, Miss Brahms, I shall speak to her most severely about this.
- Miss Brahms: [walks to fitting room] Here! Captain Peacock wants you out here, at the double.
- Miss Belfridge: [walks out in outfit that is barely more than a bra and pantyhose, with Captain Peacock's eyes glued to her bust] You wanted to see me, Stephen?
- Captain Peacock: You should really ask for my permission to be on the floor, but I'll overlook it this time.
- Mrs. Slocombe: It's the only thing he has overlooked.
- [about a suggestion in the suggestion box]
- Captain Peacock: This one is unsigned, and suggests that you do something physically impossible with the suggestion box.
- [the nurse is coaching Old Mr. Grace on an electric bicycle]
- Mr. Grace's Nurse: I've got a surprise for you, Mr. Grace. You've been doing it on your own the last five minutes.
- Old Mr. Grace: You get used to that sort of thing at my time of life.
- Captain Peacock: [Knocking on Mr. Rumbold's door] We're all outside, sir.
- Mr. Rumbold: People who knock usually are!
- Mr. Humphries: [discussing having to hang onto backs of buses and skateboard to Grace Brothers to save money] I had just bent down to tighten my nuts, and there was a double yellow line, see? And next thing I knew, there was policeman behind me. He put a sticker on my helmet and tried to clamp me.
- Mr. Beverley Harman: Ah, here's your instant coffee, sir.
- Mr. Rumbold: Why's it called instant coffee?
- Mr. Beverley Harman: Because there is only one instant at which it tastes like coffee.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [Mr. Humphries has just been sacked for being a "troublemaker"] I can't believe this is our last morning coffee together!
- Miss Brahms: Coffee? I thought this was tea.
- Mr. Bert Spooner: No, the tea's the one with the froth on top.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock! Captain Peacock!
- Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, you will return to your post. When I turn around, you will raise your arm. I will ask, "What is, Mrs. Slocombe?" You will ask me, "Are you free?" If I nod, you may then approach me.
- Mr. Humphries: I attended the Barley Road Mixed Infants.
- Miss Brahms: Oh, boys and girls?
- Mr. Humphries: No, just boys!
- Miss Brahms: How's your queen pudding?
- Mr. Humphries: It hasn't quite fulfilled its promise.
- Mr. Lucas: I don't know. It promised to be awful and it's disgusting.
- Captain Peacock: [walks up to the manageress] Did you notice that I was clicking my fingers, clearing my throat and banging my spoon on the table?
- Canteen Manageress: I did notice it, yeah.
- Captain Peacock: And what message do those actions convey to you?
- Canteen Manageress: Well, when my two-year-old does it, it usually means he needs to go to the potty.
- Captain Peacock: Your truculent behavior has not gone unnoticed and will be reported!
- Canteen Manageress: Good! That's what I hoped. Then perhaps the management will realise that sacking my waiting staff is more trouble than it's worth because I ain't serving.
- [pause]
- Canteen Manageress: You'll have to make do with a set menu.
- Captain Peacock: Well, then, may I ask you what is on this set menu, or are you not programmed to give an intelligent response?
- Mr. Humphries: And Mrs. Peacock. Just to let you know Miss Belfridge will be directly under Captain Peacock.