The Toy Box

I would like to see the movie before I could give you a review.

In "Boogie Nights" Burt Reynold's porno director character has this hilarious monologue where he talks about his "dream" of making a porno film that people will sit and watch to the end even after they have. . . (well, see "Boogie Nights" if you haven't). Anyway, this is one of those rare movies. In fact, I'm sure most of the porn addicts out there would probably hate it because it's too flat-out weird to really be very erotic. But I actually admire sex movies that have the guts NOT to be the same old boring "erotic" crap. If you have seen and enjoyed "Cafe Flesh", "The Devil in Miss Jones",and "Let My Puppets Come" (the first and, to my knowledge, only hardcore porno puppet movie) you'll probably appreciate this film . On the other hand, if you're the type that eagerly lines up every week for the latest Jenna Jameson shot-on-video sex opus, don't bother.

First, about the plot--there is no plot. And that's good. There is nothing more annoying than when a movie like this tries to have plot. Imagine you have an hour and half or so to kill, but every five or ten minutes you have to have sex for five or ten minutes, you probably wouldn't get much done in that time, and you certainly wouldn't develop much as a character (especially if you were being played by your average porn star who couldn't act his or her way out of a crisp paper sack). This movie is ineptly made in some ways. Obviously, the dubbing is terrible (porno movies are dubbed?--who knew). But the best you can hope for in a movie like this is a lot of interesting scenes, and this movie has them in spades. What I enjoyed most about this movie was the cinematography (not surprisingly the director worked mainly as a cinematographer), and the truly unique dream-like atmosphere it creates. This isn't a pedestrian sex fantasy--it's a cross between a warped wet dream and a really, really strange nightmare. It's basically a surrealist soft-core porno movie.

Los Angles' Boxoffice International were truly the purveyors of some of the most unpredictable sexploitation movies ever conceived, and they didn't come much stranger than The ToyBox. Two swingers Donna and Ralph, along with a whole bunch of like minded individuals come to a castle run by `Uncle'. Uncle is a rich old man who rewards them for acting out some of their most out to lunch fantasies with a gift from the `Toybox' that always contains something they've always wanted. Its the fantasy scenes of `greedy people performing sex acts'that make up the film and what strange fantasies these folks have! One tubby guy fantasizes about women being hung up like butchers cuts who come back to life and hack him to pieces with meat cleavers. In what appears to be a parody of a German sex film, one long haired guy imagines himself and a girl running around speaking German, he puts on a scary mask and she kills him with a pitchfork. Uschi Digart, an actresses with big things in front of her turns up to get groped by a horny `Thing' like hand in a box (the latter scene really has to be seen to be believed). Donna and Ralph soon realise that things are far from normal- How does Uncle know what they're doing when he always stays in his room?, Why does he appear dead ? and why is he so lacking in the eyeball department! is it all part of an alien invasion? Soon severed heads start falling from the roof, people start dropping dead on the spot, a 50ft Woman and a glowing Kiss Me Deadly style case turn up as well. Never mind what 70's exploitation movie audiences made of this, today I can't imagine anyone watching The Toybox without thinking `what the hell is this?' What it is, is wonderfully disorientating. The Toybox also contains scenes that put most horror films of the time to shame, plus a spooky ending of Carnival of Souls proportions. Confusing? oh yes but far from the average softcore quickie its an almost impossible movie to classify- part Sci-Fi, part House on Haunted Hill and part skin flick as viewed through the eyes of someone on the verge of infinite madness. As for director Ron V Garcia he's more well known as a noted cinematographer on many movies (everything from Seventies sleaze to recent mainstream assignments) and has a good eye for the bizarre. Its a shame he didn't direct more movies, then again how could you top something like The Toybox?. It was as if Garcia wanted to create the most eccentric movie on the face of the planet, and he certainly had a good go ! The Toybox then is surely the best surreal Age of Aquarius sexpo overflowing with early Seventies craziness ever made.

The Toy Box is something of a crossover between a porn flick and a mystery themed horror movie, and it doesn't manage to lampoon either of these two genres. However, that's not to say that this is necessarily a bad film; it's certainly not a particularly good one, but through it's bizarreness; there's something here worth watching. It's clear that the plot wasn't the foremost thing on director Ronald Víctor García's mind, so instead he just packed his film with sex, but there is a plot here and it focuses on a mysterious 'uncle' who hosts weird parties in which people are paid to perform erotic acts. This party is a bit different to usual as uncle's not there; or at least not alive and the guests must perform in front of his corpse. I can't say that this film is particularly erotic and that's why it doesn't succeed as a porn film. I've seen quite a lot of porn in my lifetime, however, so I can forgive this one for not being erotic and focus on the good things about the sex scenes - and the fact that they're weird and different to the norm is a good thing if you ask me because it means the film is a little different. Naturally the whole thing is completely inept and the acting is horrible, but obviously no one goes into a seventies porn expecting a masterpiece. There's a stupid twist at the end, but if you make it to the end of this film; you're unlikely to care by then anyway. Overall, I can't say that The Toy Box is brilliant or a must see, but it's better than I thought it would be and it comes somewhat recommended.

Acquired for distribution rather than produced by Harry Novak's sexploitation outlet Box Office International, THE TOY BOX stands out from his catalog through sheer weirdness. An unholy hybrid of horror 'n' hooters, it was both written and directed with remarkable disregard for either common sense or continuity by Ron Garcia, who would foist the sleazy slasher SWINGERS MASSACRE onto unsuspecting Times Square audiences before garnering mainstream credibility and respectability as DoP for both cinema (David Lynch's unfairly lambasted TWIN PEAKS : FIRE WALK WITH ME) and TV (GILMORE GIRLS, of all things). For fans of the unwrapped female form, it also happens to contain one of the more impressive line-ups of soft-core starlets the era had to offer.

Honorary members of the swingin' set, big-haired boozy blonde Donna (Ann Myers, from the Don Davis flicks SWAMP GIRL and THE GOLDEN BOX) and her mustachioed man Ralph (Sean Kenney, who was in Bill Levey's endearing SLUMBER PARTY '57, rarely referenced beyond being the skeleton in Debra Winger's closet) are rehearsing the little psycho drama they will perform for the benefit of portly middle-aged peeper "Uncle" at his next gathering of money-grabbing sleaze balls, who receive monetary compensation in accordance to the excellence of their dirty display. Having possibly faked his own death, "Uncle" sits propped up in a chair and still talks in some weird disembodied voice without moving his lips, providing the ultimate thankless role for scuzzy character actor Jack King, who appeared in the man-eating carpet from outer space classic THE CREEPING TERROR as well as Joe Robertson's oddity MRS. STONE'S THING, best remembered for co-starring the incomparable Ed Wood as a decidedly frumpy cross-dresser. Most of the movie consists of little groups of people coming in, performing their brain-fried party piece and getting paid. Swedish sex starlet supreme Uschi Digard takes top honors for the indescribably strange spectacle of being pawed by an overly amorous bed. Yep, you read that right ! The preposterously tasteless necrophilia production number that has a butcher taking liberties with corpse Maria Arnold (a lovely brunette who made the occasional foray into fornication film territory with Lowell Picket's COZY COOL and Mike Weldon's GETTING OFF) surely ranks as a runner-up in the "I can't believe I just saw that" sweepstakes.

And so it goes, with little rhyme or reason. Ostensibly taking place in a locked-up mansion, one sequence occurs in the great outdoors even though characters have already been getting antsy about being trapped inside ! People die inexplicably, sometimes to be "magically" resurrected late in the proceedings, with parts of them (heads, usually) popping up at various places in the house for cheap shock value. Eventually, all is explained in a final revelation so jaw-dropping, pushing the film headlong into science fiction territory, you will find yourself wondering just what substance Garcia was on while concocting this mess, at its most magnificent when it makes no sense whatsoever, and where you might get ahold of some ! He seems to have literally thrown in anything he could think of to make an impression on what was clearly a shoestring budget, whether it made sense or not, well, usually not, as you have surely understood by now. It's exactly that "anything goes" motto that kept me watching, completely at a loss as to what to expect next. This doesn't necessarily make for what's traditionally considered a "good" movie as it's positively riddled with amateur acting and production shortcomings, neither of which should seriously detract from audience enjoyment by the way. Sex scenes are long and reasonably graphic though still on the safe side of simulation with a formidable female cast that further includes such true fan favorites as ravishing redhead Debbie Osborne (from Corey Allen's comparably twisted EROTIC ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO), curvaceous Kathy Hilton (among A.C. Stephen's COCKTAIL HOSTESSES), blond beauty Casey Lorrain (who went all the way in Richard Robinson's ADULTERY FOR FUN AND PROFIT) and a sadly under-employed Marsha Jordan, uncrowned queen of the nudies, making up in acres of skin what the movie lacks in artistry or coherence.