- Joe Putzman: But surely, Professor Shlibovitz...
- Professor Shlibovitz: No, that's Professor Shirley Shlibovitz. A strange quirk of my mother's.
- National Guard Captain: Well, looks like the guns got him.
- Professor Shlibovitz: No... 'Twas beauty killed the beast.
- Detective: [long beat] What's *wrong* with you?
- Joe Putzman: Excuse me, Detective Sergeant Wino, I'm Joe Putzman. I was wondering if you'd like to reassure our viewing audience that this reign of terror in our town will soon be over. That these ghastly series of banana murders will soon cease. Can you tell us anything, give us one ray of hope that our streets will soon be safe to walk again?
- Detective: No.
- [after Professor Shlibovitz puts a piece of metal tubing over his head]
- Joe Putzman: Excuse me once again, Professor. What is the purpose of that peculiar headgear?
- Professor Shlibovitz: This particular helmet was designed by Dr. Heywood Floyd Jerome of the Acme Research Group.
- Joe Putzman: Well, yes, I see, but why is it you're wearing it?
- Professor Shlibovitz: I have no idea.
- National Guard Captain: You Wino?
- Detective: Detective Sergeant Wino.
- National Guard Captain: Yeah, okay. Where are the kids? What are they doing? Burning their draft cards? Huh? Rioting? Wearing that damn long hair? That's what really grinds me, that long hair.
- Detective: Say, aren't you the barber from down on 3rd Street?
- National Guard Captain: Yeah, that's right. You need a trim!
- Detective: I was thinking of cutting my sideburns...
- National Guard Captain: Yeah, we can style them. Why don't you come in and have a shampoo too? Say about four o'clock Monday, huh?
- Detective: Monday's no good. How about Wednesday?
- Cal: Can't you guys discuss the haircuts later? That thing's got Mindy!
- National Guard Captain: Yeah, speaking of haircuts, ya punk...
- National Guard Captain: [Schlock has kidnapped Mindy and is holding her in his arms] All right, men, let him have it!
- Cal: No, hold it! You can't shoot while that thing's got Mindy!
- National Guard Captain: Why not?
- Detective: [surveying a park littered with dead bodies] When I discover who or what is responsible for this... they're gonna be in *big* trouble.