Guru, the Mad Monk

GURU, THE MAD MONK is another dismally delightful offering from Director Andy Milligan. The basic story is about Father Guru (Neil Flanagan), who needs cadavers for his experiments. Luckily, he knows someone at the local prison, where there are plenty of executions to keep him supplied with subjects.

All of the requisite, Milligan trademarks are here: Non-actors "acting" in a style akin to mannequins on wires; painful, unrehearsed, just-wing-it dialogue; petrified pacing; thrift store costumes; a nonsensical "plot"; and sub-home movie filming techniques. The torture / death scenes are particularly rib-tickling!

Guru himself is a living absurdity, with his garage sale wig and paper pope suit. His conversation with himself in the mirror is a marvel of idiot cinema! Thankfully, this movie isn't quite as brain-smashingly dull as most Milligan output. It profits greatly from its ineptitude, making it a laugh-out-loud classic!

Guru's hunchback sidekick, Igor, is the best imbecile since MANOS' Torgo. The way he bobbles along is almost musical! There's also the cranky old vampire woman, Olga, who runs around in some otherworldly headdress, apparently made from curtains and pot holders!

Nothing can possibly prepare you for the dunderheaded, bellringing finale!

Mr. Milligan, we salute you!...

Guru the Mad Monk (1970)

BOMB (out of 4)

Another film from the infamous Andy Milligan. Guru is the monk at a local prison where prisoners are beaten, executed and so on. Blah, blah, blah. The entire film runs 56-minutes and I was wanting to hit the FF button each and every single minute. The film is horribly made with horrible acting, horrible directing and everything else is equally horrible. Milligan has the reputation of being one of the worst directors ever and I'd certainly have to agree with that. The movies has no pacing and really doesn't have anything going for it.

Let's see... We have Hunchback of Notre Dame, shades of Burke and Hare, a little Lady Carmilla... Just everything that Milligan could cram in, he did. (Motor scooters in the 17th century be damned!) Sometimes the actors rise above the dreck, but not this time. Our lead "hero" sleepwalks his way through the movie making him look less intelligent than the poor hunchback.

The lead actress is quite beautiful IMO, but her fake eyelashes and pixie cut hair do are just a LITTLE out of place. (But so is the aforementioned scooter and a light switch or two) I've become so enamored with Milligan's films.

GURU, THE MAD MONK is a no-budget Z-grade horror flick from schlock maestro Andy Milligan. Everything about this film is awful, particularly the production values: there's never a sense of this being a real movie, just a couple of actors inside an old church playing dress-up.

If Milligan's direction is dull and amateurish, his writing is even worse. The "film" charts the misadventures of the titular monk, played by the extraordinarily wooden Neil Flanagan. Guru's crimes include betraying those he's close to and torturing innocent people in a series of shoddy gore sequences that'll have you laughing instead of wincing thanks to their ineptness.

The acting is terrible across the board, the dialogue is stilted beyond belief, and no effort has been made to bring any part of the screenplay to life. Attempts to depict a medieval tableau are ruined by the all-too-obvious mistakes and screw-ups, like characters using a modern pair of scissors and a heroine wearing fake eyelashes - who knew they were invented hundreds of years back?! In my favourite "bad" scene, two characters converse with a motorbike sitting behind them. How did Milligan not notice? My feelings are that he did, and he just didn't care - a real filmmaker he isn't.

I know this movie is bad. I know I shouldn't like it. But there's something about it that holds my attention when it plays. Something in its crude simplicity compels me forward to the end. It happens every time I watch it. I don't know what it is.

Guru (odd name for an orthodox priest) is a bit hammy but not overly so. Carl delivers his lines in one of the oddest intonations I've heard. He later appeared as Detective Eric Dorsey, a minor character on the Barney Miller show. Olga, who apparently is a vampire (?), can't seem to speak her lines fast enough. Pay attention or you'll miss 'em! Igor is fun to watch, as is the cute girl (Nadja) in the attic who befriends him.

Watch for the modern claw hammer, the modern scissors, the steel bars on the windows, and the prisoner wearing corduroy pants!