Secrets of Sex

A mummy narrates vignettes about men, women, and the sex between them. Huh? At the beginning, the mummy randomly asks the viewer, "Imagine having sex with this girl. Imagine having sex with this boy" about 37 times, while flashing pictures of half naked mod youths. Later, said mods boys pelt mod girls with...vegetables? If you ignore (or fast forward) through the mummy's rambling, the shorts aren't bad in their own right. I found a few of them rather funny. My personal favorite is one where the sexually-confused man tries to convince a girl to have sex with him while his pet lizard sits on the bed. This is one, well, bizarre movie.

What happens when you combine British portmanteau films, William S. Burroughs cut-up techniques, 1970's philosophy, British men's magazines like Mayfair and throw in a mummy? You get a sheer burst of pure insanity like Bizarre.

Also known as Secrets of Sex, the film starts with the story of a king who found his wife's lover and trapped him in a chest. This theme of trapping lovers carries on throughout the film.

But never mind all that. Let's meet our narrator — a mummy voiced by Valentine Dyall (The Haunting, Bedazzled and the voice of Count Karnstein in Lust for a Vampire). He's here to tell us all about the battle of the sexes. Just listen to his words, as half-naked women and men fill the screen, one at a time: "Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine this girl was making love to you. Imagine this boy was making love to you. Imagine this girl was making love to you. Imagine this boy was making love to you. Imagine this girl was making love to you. Imagine this boy was making love to you. Imagine this girl was making love to you. Imagine this boy was making love to you. Imagine this girl was making love to you. Imagine this boy was making love to you. Imagine this girl was making love to you. Imagine the consequences."

We're then on the front row of this battle, with women in underwear facing off with me grasping machine guns. The women have vegetables thrown at them as the men advance. One of the women, a blonde, stares down the men, who fall to her beauty before she removes a straight razor from between her legs.

Alright — let me be perfectly honest. Your ability to enjoy this film totally depends on the amount of drugs in your system, how late you're watching it and your tolerance for 1970's experimental filmmaking. If you're been reading this site for any length of time, you know that this movie was pretty much made for me and sent forward 47 years into the future.

This oddity is more 'interesting' and of social significance than it is enjoyable to watch. I had great difficulty maintaining interest despite plentiful nudity and the fact the segments are not over long. I suppose the fireworks inter-cut with an orgy at the end is the easiest part to watch. Now I think about it I am not sure why I didn't enjoy it more but I think it's basically because nothing really worked. Even though the sections were less than quarter of an hour long they moved rather slowly and uncertainly. I seemed to be for ever trying to work out what was going on only for the part to end with some seeming significant statement regarding the 'battle of the sexes'. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood. I understand the commentary on the DVD is worth listening to, so I shall be able to give it another go AND there are those William Burroughs shorts. Still, they will probably be more 'interesting' than enjoyable too! DVD originates in US and has extras

An ancient mummy voiced by Valentine Dyall hosts a succession of wacky vignettes which explore the theoretical battle of the sexes. Uncommonly eccentric and retro-hip sexploitation features an attractive cast, and devotes every second of its duration to kinky, campy, unchained absurdity. The expounded stories run a gamut of erotic situational weirdness, ranging in tone from gruesome and unsettling to giddily whimsical.

This is a distinctly British cult item, and a unique concoction from Antony Balch(one of the more unduly ignored outsider personalities of sixties underground cinema). He is, perhaps, better known for his short film collaborations with iconic writer/poet William S. Burroughs.

Though it clearly has limited appeal, it's worth investigating...I personally found it highly enjoyable and refreshingly original nonsense.

5.5/10

A strange little film that's a bit like a softcore sex version of "The Twilight Zone". A mummy hosts a series of odd horrorish stories involving sex ... a woman photographing a series of pictures of medieval torture devices really tortures her male model; a female burglar has sex with the man of the house and robs him anyway; and so on. It's somewhere between a brainy sex film and a fairly lame horror anthology. Director Anthony Balch had previously worked with William S. Burroughs, which isn't all that far off from the tone of this one.