Les monstres de la planète des singes

Ooo-kay. Try and follow this: it seems that there is a plague of vampirism running rampant on Earth, and scientist John Carradine is the only one who has a snowball's chance to save us. It seems there's this planet somewhere where vampires are known to exist, so John and a team of dunderheaded astronauts whoosh off to see if there's anything on this planet that might bring about a cure. Still with me? Okay. When Carradine and crew land their $1.95 toy spaceship on the distant planet, things get hopelessly goofy: the so-called "horror" of the Blood Monsters that inhabit this rock is portrayed almost completely by tinted stock-footage from an old Filipino caveman flick. These scenes contain: hopeless-looking bat-men that glide on wires, ridiculous lizard-men that couldn't make it into a Toho soundstage, and vampire-like cavemen wearing tusks from the local Filipino five-and-dime. Carradine and his hapless away-team are baffled by what's going on...needless to say, so is the audience. For those who desire quality cinema--avoid this like the plague. For the rest of us...don't miss.

A ragged, befuddling palimpsest comprised of shavings from no fewer than three pre-existing films, all shuffled together within a framework of "new" scenes(added, I suppose, to bring some degree of cohesion to the amalgamated mess at hand). Success? ....ehh....hardly. In fact, watching this crudely stitched patchwork is like staring at one of those damn squiggly-dot pictures...eventually, you might catch a fleeting image of a snow-boarder or something, but was it really worth the headache in the end?

Well, there actually is a narrative of sorts knotted up within this argy-bargy. It seems that Earth is facing a vampire plague, so a spaceship of scientists is sent to the planet from which they originate. It's also inhabited by various other predatory monstrosities, as well as a tribe of peaceful cave-people. The bizarre atmospheric conditions of this planet result in garish uniform color saturation which shifts randomly from blue to red to green and so forth(a specious means of presenting B/W footage "in color"). During a scene inside the spaceship, one of the intrepid astronauts peers into a periscope-type of device. The view presents a grid with marked north, south, east, and west coordinates. I'm certainly no science wiz, but don't those points of direction become "lost" once you have left the Earth? Hmmm...whatever.

John Carradine is in this flick. A little bit. He looks sort of embarrassed. He knows damn well that this is a petrified turd of a film, but as the patron saint of undiscriminating "any old thing for a paycheck" movie stars, he sails through the muck like an old pro. He would have stripped to a thong at your bachelorette party for fifty bucks. I guarantee it.

2.5/10.

HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS is Director Al Adamson's magnum opus. It concerns a global outbreak of vampirism, leading to a deep space mission to the planet of the plague's origin. We know this, thanks to the intense narration by "Brother" Theodore Gottlieb.

John Carradine explains the ensuing mission, which does little to prepare us for the lunacy that follows. Upon arrival, the astronauts watch "from afar" as clips from other movies are shown, supposedly having to do with whatever the hell is going on! Cavemen encounter snake-men, bat-men, and lobster-men, on their way to find sacred oil, while the astronauts "look on" from that other film.

This isn't so much a movie, as it is a test of will. Much like seeing how long one can endure being slowly baked in a kiln.

Otherworldly, discombobulating, and disconcerting, Adamson spared every expense, splicing and dicing this masterwork of garbled, drive-in fodder. Watch agog, as this miraculous mutation unfolds in all of its unbridled glory! This is cinema as God intended...

Plot

In the near future with a intergalactic vampire plague threatening earth, an expedition is sent to a distant galaxy in hopes of discovering the plague's source. Landing on a mysterious planet they discover that Spectrum radiation has turned the atmosphere into a one-color tint. Exploring further, the group discovers living dinosaurs, a race of vampire cavemen, and other strange creatures.

Cast

Outside of John Carradine unfamiliar with anyone involved, I do find it interesting that the writer did nothing else though. Probably best.

Verdict

Horror of the Blood Monsters I assumed would be a hokey 70's creature feature of some description, within 5 minutes I assumed based on what I was watching it would be instead a goofy vampire movie with some of the most questionable looking vampires in cinema history. I was wrong on both counts, so very very very wrong.

So what is it? Well after 5 minutes of exposition about vampires and suggesting that's what the movie is going to be it suddenly becomes a very dated looking science fiction movie set on a space ship that looks like had been created by Blue Peter and then descends into a non-sensical plot that involves cave men. Yes, vampires to space ships to cavemen and that's not even the worst part.

Yes the worst elements are why this is a 1/10, I don't give 1/10's very often as that suggests the film is devoid of a single redeeming feature but this right here I can confidently say doesn't have one.

You see after the horror tease and the segway into tacky science fiction we arrive at the vast majority of the movie which is ruined by awful acting, random stock footage, a non-sensical plot and filters.....random colored filters! Everything is green, then red, then pink, then orange, it's deeply annoying and illogical oh and headache inducing!

I can't stress how bad Horror of the Blood Monsters is, because it's indescribable, unique and a flurry of random imagery that doesn't constitute as a movie at all.

Rants

Why? Just why did they think those filters were a good idea? Then again why did someone sign off on this at all? It's like a fever dream, induced by too many illegal substances and written by a child bouncing off the walls on energy drinks. Awful, just awful.

The Good

The opening scene the dated isn't awful

The Bad

Abyssal acting Those filters!

Story is a mess Teases one genre then veers into another.

Ya gotta love Al Adamson. Only he would (1) take footage from a 20-year-old movie about gorillas in diving helmets ("Robot Monster"); (2) combine it with clips from a 30-year-old movie about elephants with hair mats glued to their sides ("One Million B.C."); (3) throw in parts from a God-knows-how-old Filipino movie about midget cannibals, half man/half lobster monsters and beer-bellied Chinese cavemen with snakes growing out of their shoulders (all of the aforementioned footage being in black and white); (4) spend $2.15 shooting new "connecting" footage (in color, no less) with an apparently--to be charitable--confused John Carradine and a bunch of actors who have trouble remembering their lines (among them a vapid blonde who is so incompetent that all her dialogue is dubbed in by someone else, and who doesn't even have the decency to make up for it by getting naked); (5) put it out under at least 10 different titles; and (6) try to pass each one off as a new movie. Go, Al!

This is Al's masterwork, the film by which he will always be remembered. Orson Welles had "Citizen Kane," Michael Curtiz had "Casablanca," Francis Coppola had "The Godfather," Al Adamson has "Vampire Men of the Lost Planet." You're in heady company, Al. You deserve it.